I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for just over 4 months now. We are both convinced we are each other’s twin flames, soulmates etc. It is really a beautiful relationship. She is loving, trusting, funny, etc. I could go on for hours. I’m 40 next month and I can say this is the first time I’ve ever been in love with anyone. She is coming over to my country early next year to live with me.
However, I get jealous. I hide and suppress it a lot. Her previous partners (who were physically mentally abusive) were jealous too. We talk a lot of the time when she isn’t working, we even spent an entire week together, being in constant contact all day for 6 days and only stopped to sleep, even then we left our phones on during the night. It was beautiful, still is.
But this jealousy I can’t shake. I’ve not had this feeling for a while now, but today she messaged me on Discord to say she was playing a Dead by Daylight event with a friend, and she will speak to me soon. No problem.
Here is what happened in my head when I read it:
* Who is this person?
* It will be a dude
* She only ever mentions/has two male friends, one of which she is no longer talking too.
* So, who is this person? A new guy?
* Are they having fun? What if she has more fun with him than she does with me?
* What if she starts playing with him more and more and me less and less?
I even got jealous when she played with her two male friends with games, even if I joined them. I would analyse the way she would speak to them and the way she laughed, and my brain once more would go:
* I’ve never heard her laugh like that with me (*even though I’m sure she has*).
If I have any reason for this jealousy, a source for it, I will guess it somewhat stems from the fact that she is the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. Stunningly gorgeous, never been in a relationship with anyone as close to her in looks. She could have anyone she wants.
This jealousy hits in waves when things like this happens, I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Its going to ruin our relationship. I can never tell her about it, so I bottle it up and try to get over it.
She’s done NOTHING wrong; I just hate feeling this way. Is there any advice anyone has that can help me? I don’t want to lose her over something like this, but if she found out, she would get flashbacks to her other relationships and probably doubt our future.
I want to change for her, I want to change for myself, but I don’t know how to make this stop.
2 comments
Jealousy happens when you compare yourself to another person. And that’s a slippery slope. There’s only one person like you, no one else can compare. Then we worry about that person being better than you. No person is really better than you are, just different. She’s WITH YOU bro, don’t allow this second hand emotion to ruin your relationship. You cannot control another person. Their thoughts, their emotions, their actions. It’s impossible but trying to do so will almost certainly be a huge turn off and besides that, its toxic for your spirit, your own sense of self is diminished when you entertain jealously. I get jealous sometimes too. But I try to keep it in perspective. I hope you try to do so too. If you let your Jealousy get out of control she could feel that as a personal insult, like she isn’t trustworthy. Take a deep breath. She’s YOUR girl dude, and she will more likely stay that way if u allow her to enjoy friendship with other people. If you need reassuring, talk to her.
Understand other people will always have lives outside of you. You need to have other things going on in life besides this one long distance person. If you don’t, and if you constantly depend on another person for their attention and validation, you will be perceived as needy, clingy, and desperate. People know when you are attached to them.
The more you are jealous and overthink things, the more likely you will come off that way to other people. People notice the way you act around them. People gravitate towards self confidence and positive vibes. Usually, overthinking, anxiety, nervousness, etc are detected via verbal and nonverbal cues and then associated with negative vibes. The reason is these traits indicate you feel unworthy to hold a conversation with other people and that you need constant validation from other people. This is not the impression you want to give. People are hardwired to be repulsed by those who actively or passively seek validation.
Read this : https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/we54zy/big_tip_to_reduce_your_social_anxiety_and_why/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf