So, my wife and I have been married 10 years. My dad lives with us. My parents split up after 35 years of marriage just as my wife and I were getting married. My dad was depressed, living in a shitty apartment and was just wasting away. I thought it would be a good idea to have him move in.
Our sex life obviously took a big hit. He’s directly across the hall from us. It’s like we’re teenagers all over again. We like things a little spicy, but out of respect, we have been keeping things relatively quiet and vanilla for the past 7 years.
It’s finally starting to catch up with us. It’s been frustrating to say the least. Our bed is loud & squeaky, our door is thinner than my hairline. Having to be quiet in our 40s sucks.
Has anyone been in this type of situation before? Any recommendations on certain bed frames that are quite? Can I sound proof my room or door to help dampen the noise? Please help!
19 comments
You could get a house next to them or something. That way you can move but still help.
He lives in YOUR house. Just fuck.
Well, it’s your house. Not having sex because your dad is living with you is not something you owe to him to show respect. Or anyone for that matter. You and your wife are adult people with your own adult lives. You can have sex and anyone else in your home should be respectful of that. You can be a bit mindful when he’s at home to try to minimize the noise. But don’t feel like you owe it to him to tiptoe around him.
But to answer your question more specifically, you can get a less squeaky bed as a cheaper alternative. But soundproofing – at least good soundproofing – will cost you.
That said, the bigger issue is your dad’s depression. It’s good that you wanted to take in your dad when he obviously wasn’t doing well. But we’re all ultimately responsible for our own mental health. And to the extent that his presence in your home is disruptive, then you need to consider that it’s probably not the best thing for him to be there. You can still support and help him if he lives on his own. If I understand correctly, your dad has been living with you for 7 years? It’s beyond time for him to figure himself out and find a new place if his presence is disruptive like this.
You might want to push him towards going to therapy so he can manage and work through his problems and help him get connected with new people to make friends with that will get him to begin to open up and build a support system that isn’t just you.
If you don’t need the under bed storage, a bed frame that contacts the floor on all edges (like a platform bed) without an attached headboard could work well. You can also just get a tall box spring and tall mattress and skip the bed frame all together.
True sound proofing is possible but may require some modifications to the walls. New doors would be a start, though.
Can your dad be left alone overnight? Maybe some regular hotel dates would help give you some freedom.
Please don’t abandon your father, he’s at the age he needs the most. Unless he’s evil/nuts, don’t abandon him
There’s certain beds that don’t make noise, get one of those!
Time to move out dude
Depending on your house and financial situation you could consider converting another area of the house (den/second living room/sun room) into a bedroom or if your basement is finishable then you could do a grandparent suite with small kitchenette (depending on you Dad’s age and health this could be a permanent solution instead of him moving out even as his mental health improves).
Legit sound proofing gets expensive quick, takes a bunch of time to put up and results greatly diminish when you use cheaper materials (as a drummer and therefore the jamspace house I have some experience with DIY soundproofing on a budget), so maybe a more permanent living arrangement not on the same floor as you would be a better use of your funds so you can get a little rowdy again! (Also extra bedrooms and grandparent suites add value)
Good luck!!
My bf lives with his dad as his caretaker. We are about your age. We can not be quiet. I have tried. Just have fun! You are married. Otherwise move to the floor.
Can you just be honest with him? “Hey Dad, I love you and it’s great having you here, you’re great with the kids… etc… etc…. but I gotta be honest. My wife and I want to have sex with each other, and having you 10 feet away complicates things. Can you figure out a way to disappear sometimes? Go for a walk, have a smoke, fix something in the garage, go play cards or bingo or whatever…. it doesn’t matter, we just need some time alone every once in a while. I want to be clear though, we do NOT want you to move out, we just need a little privacy sometimes.”
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Although …. you have kids…. how loud is this sex gonna be? Maybe you could get a motel every once in a while and have him babysit?
You are the product of your father’s sex to start with.
I was a little floored when you said this has been an issue for SEVEN years. Does your dad intend to live out the rest of his life with you? I understand he was at a difficult time in his life when your parents split up but surely he is a little more emotionally stable now and might be able to start making plans to be self sufficient again? I lived with my mother in law for 4 years before it finally became too much. Married couples need their space, and if it’s been effecting your intimacy for this long then it’s definitely time to make a drastic change.
7 years??? Maybe I’m not a good person, but I could not live with my parent that long. Like at some point, he should move out. It’s your life.
He needs to find a purpose like an easy going side gig, carpentry or something. Something that’ll take him out of the house. It’s either that or he needs to find his own place.
Soundproof your room
“We like things a little spicy, but out of respect…”
Then it’s entirely your fault and entirely on you to change it. What does “out of respect” even mean? Just fuck. It’s your house after all.
It’s your house. Put him in another room or put up some sound proofing.
I was reading this all sympathetic and aawww man that’s gotta be tough couple of months for you all then I got to the part where he’s been living with you for 7 years, so you are a good guy for inviting him to stay and trying to get him out of that slump but 7 fucking years he should be out now, and any Ill affect of your sex life is kinda on you at this point take your dad apartment shopping today no hints no hey dad when you feel like you’ll be ready just do it.
I’m going through a similar situation but double yours I have my dad and mother Inlaw living with us, but like others have stated this is MY HOUSE, I am considerate most of the time about us being loud, but again it’s my house and every now and then my wife and I do get a little rambunctious especially after drinking, and date nights, so we basically say if you don’t like it you can leave
OP….your sex life took a hit for SEVEN YEARS?! I thought we were going to be talking months here!