I had started dating a girl and without going too far into detail the dates had been great, lots of chemistry. It been about a month and a half and we had protected sex twice, and she had discouraged me from going down on her but didn’t give me many reasons. Last night she messaged me telling me she had herpes and was on medication for it. It definitely caught me off guard (way out of left field) and is a little scary, I will need to get tested. I have read a little bit about it, and apparently it is possible to continue a relationship with someone is positive without contracting it, i like her, but I am a little more bothered that she didn’t tell me before we had sex. I understand that it can be scary to disclose that, and a large part of me wants to forgive that. But I don’t know if it is a good sign that she waited until now to tell me. I have to get tested next saturday instead of going on a third date with her now. Any insights would be helpful.
Edit:
I appreciate everyone who is reaching out to me, I have decided to cut contact with her, I am hoping for the best when it comes to testing. I will update with results when the outcomes are done.
Update: I did as some people advised attempt to tell her that it was the hiding that was problematic and not the std itself. However she merely stated she felt this situation made her feel less like disclosing it in the future. She did not feel it was information I was entitled to just because we were having sex.
28 comments
Have a serious discussion with her about why she didn’t tell you before you were sexually intimate. That would be a huge red flag to me.
Yeah, if someone didn’t tell me they have HSV-2 until after we had sex I’d be walking. Yes it can be controlled and majorly reduce the risk of transmission but informed consent is a thing
the stigma and difficulty does not excuse that you did not give informed consent, and it was not okay of her to do that. where you want to go from here is up to you, but definitely do not blame yourself for this at all
for me, it would be a dealbreaker/ huge red flag, in that i wouldn’t want to stick around to find out at that point if she’d show herself to be better (even though it may have the potential to be okay). this is especially the case if she did not seem apologetic/ didn’t seem to show any regret or desire to change her hiding it
I have been with my girlfriend for five plus years, we are currently expecting and in all that time I have not given it to her. So yes, it is possible.
We don’t use condoms and I do take the medication. I have never had symptoms.
That being said, I told my girl about it BEFORE we ever had sex so that she could make that choice herself. Your girlfriend didn’t give you that respect, and for that reason I would feel pretty betrayed if I were you.
I have been with my partner for 8 years. He has herpes, I do not. We have unprotected sex regularly. He is on suppressive meds. When he has predome symptoms, we don’t engage in sexual activity. It truly is no big deal
She waited until after you were emotionally invested in her before the big reveal. That’s a lie of omission which is a terrible way to start a relationship. Much worse she has put your health at risk which is unforgivable. Clearly she doesn’t give a shit about you.
Unless you have an active outbreak, it takes weeks after infection for it to show in an antibody test. So depending on the timing a positive test might mean you had it before her.
It’s recommended to not test people for hsv2 without symptoms. Due in large part to the stigma and mental health issues with a positive test even if there are no symptoms. For most doctors, unless you specifically ask you are not tested for it.
Furthermore, hsv1 (which is normally associated with cold sores and yes cold sores are herpes) is being found on genitalia at an increasing rate. And the antibody test can only tell you which strains you test positive for, not the location it’s found.
Pause, take some time to do some research and learn from couples online that have herpes and actual medical professionals, then decide what you want to ask her next. It’s okay to tell someone “I need some time to think about this”. STI’s are incredibly stigmatized beyond their medical implications, so you’re unlikely to find a level-headed, informative reply on this subject on this subreddit.
I saw your reply saying you have a history of forgiving too quickly. I feel like it’s good to learn from your mistakes, but it’s also good to avoid acting on your previous traumas. She is not youur exes. Collect all the information, and understand her perspective before making a decision. And know that it’s okay to walk away and it’s okay to stay based on the information you learn — it’s okay to do what’s best for you.
Omitting information is still a lie. And this is a big lie. I wouldn’t trust anyone who can keep that information to themselves and still have sex without telling their partner. Her choice to keep that to herself kept you from your choice of well informed consent. And if she can lie about this, what else could she lie about? That’s scary stuff, dude. This is your health at risk.
There are plenty of other people out there that wouldn’t behave the way this girl did. Don’t settle for less.
This is such a tough situation to be in. I have a few friends with HSV 2 and the absolute worst, hardest part is figuring out how and when to talk to new partners about it. It makes everything complicated and kinda changes your approach to sex life and relationship. The least difficult part, ironically, has been managing symptoms. In no way am I condoning her decision – I would also be really upset and feel violated. It would be 100% appropriate to end the relationship. But it might be her first encounter since contracting HSV 2 and from the way you describe it she is really struggling and apologetic. It’s really up to you to decide how to move forward…and it’s never too late to decide it’s not going to work.
The stigma is worse than the disease, and a lot of people here are severely misinformed. But the real issue is her lying to you, and not letting you make your own choice.
If you live in the US, then I understand where this girl’s coming from. I also understand where you’re coming from. Herpes is incredibly stigmatized in the US, and most people don’t have a strong base of sexual education. It’s not your fault that you haven’t had to learn about herpes, but now it’s in your hands to become more educated about it.
Now, if you’re not in the US, then her not telling you is more messed up in my opinion, depending on your country’s culture.
If her omission of herpes is the problem, then assure her that you will learn more, but you expect her full honesty and disclosure for everything else. Hold her to this boundary.
If it’s the herpes itself, then just let her know that you don’t know enough about herpes, and you’re uninterested in continuing the relationship. In the future, you need to proactively ask questions about STD’s before your first sexual encounter with a new person.
I am a woman with hsv-2 (genital herpes), although I’ve fortunately never had an outbreak. I am in an awesome long term relationship now, we use condoms, he goes down on me all the time (hsv-2 is very unlikely to contract orally especially without an ongoing break out). I told him that I have hsv-2 well before we ever had sex, sent him info about it and let him make a decision.
Herpes itself is not a big deal, it’s basically a skin condition that flares up under stress, and people can have it on different parts of their body. The stigma is much much worse than the condition itself.
Regardless of how bad it is or isn’t, not disclosing is pretty sneaky. My ex hid it from me our whole two month relationship, and he was not on antivirals or using condoms while he had unprotected sex with me. He knew he had it the whole time. That was straight up rapey, because uninformed consent is not consent. I think if you’re on antivirals and use a condom it’s less of a big deal to not disclose, but with someone you plan on pursuing a relationship with rather than a hookup, that’s just a huge breach of trust that would be a deal breaker for me.
Getting tested for herpes is not as easy as you make it out to be. Most people have antibodies, which I assume you are talking about having tested. If you do have antibodies, that tells you nothing about when you had contact with the virus and whether it’s gonna break out again.
If you had protected sex and she wasn’t having an outbreak, you should be fine. HSV-2 is basically a cold sore or sores in the genital region, and in the same family as HSV 1 (cold sores around your mouth). You can get herpes from oral sex by someone who had a cold sore around their mouth. It’s treatable and she should abstain from sex when she’s having an outbreak. The stigma around herpes is silly. According to the Cleveland Clinic website, “Herpes infection doesn’t usually pose a serious health risk. The risk of a health complications due to herpes is higher in infants, and if you have HIV/AIDS, cancer or an organ transplant.” You don’t have to be promiscuous to get an STI.
I don’t care how apologetic she is, this is a deal breaker move. She *chose* to not say anything.
I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this but there isn’t much of a point in testing unless you have an outbreak they can test from. The virus and it’s antibodies are elusive and the only way to test for it without active sores is in the blood and a negative test there doesn’t mean you don’t have it. Just FYI.
OP – sorry you’re going through this. I think your partner was wrong to not disclose at first but it’s really important for you to understand that your risk of infection is VERY low if you used protection, she’s on meds, and she’s not currently having an outbreak. So please don’t be too worried before your test this weekend. Though I think it’s not great for your partner to have not told you in advance, I do have empathy for her because of a close friend’s experience, her bf knew he had it but never took meds or disclosed, and she eventually got an outbreak a while after they stopped using protection…it was devastating to her and it took her a really long time to try dating again. What I’ve learned from this is that herpes is much more complicated than I ever knew, and it’s actually a lot more common than most people think. My friend is now living a very normal life and hasn’t had an outbreak in years. She has always talked to partners before sex, so that they understand, despite the minimal risk when precautions are used.
It’s important for you to understand that your risk of infection is probably about 2-4%, so it’s extremely unlikely. That being said, a large percentage of the population has herpes but has never had an outbreak, and the test is not part of a standard STD panel, so you can carry it but never know. Some people are even born with it.
Herpes is super stigmatized but most people don’t know much about it, so please do your reading, and try to inform yourself outside of this comments section, I just read a ton of bad info from my fellow commenters!
There’s 2 types: HSV-1 (mostly oral/cold sores) and HSV-2 (mostly genital). You should find out which one your partner has, because it’s actually very possible that she has an HSV-1 genital infection, rather than the more common HSV-2. It’s difficult to explain all this, so I recommend you just research online, make sure the sources are LEGITIMATE. Planned Parenthood, the National Institute of Health, the Mayo Clinic, the CDC, the World Health Institute, and the NHS (UK), are all good sources.
As far as things go with this girl, it’s really up to you. It’s not wonderful for her to not disclose, but given the precautions in place I think she might not have felt the need to. Personally, I’d want to know. But, it’s crazy to me that some comments here are saying she should’ve told you before you even went on a date!? She should have told you before sexual activity, but it’s insane to expect her to tell you upon meeting you. It’s just not anyone’s business. If sexual activity comes into the picture, you should be given that knowledge so you can make an informed decision, even if it’s low-risk. The thing is, it’s really hard for people to actually understand it because of the stigma. So it’s probably hard for her to navigate that…it’s understandable that you feel a lack of trust here, but I hope that if you like this person, you will try to understand her situation. At the very least, try to be compassionate. She doesn’t have this by choice, and it seems she’s still figuring this out. A lie by omission is bad, but I’m guessing that she understands her own situation and the associated risks a lot more than the commenters here, and she did actually tell you before things progressed, which is better than never telling you. Whatever you choose going forward is up to you, but I recommend that you at least talk to her about it instead of just going no contact – you can wait until you get test results if you want. But don’t further the stigma. It’s important for you to tell her that you are upset by her dishonesty, it might help her figure out how to better manage in the future.
Coming out with herpes to a partner is a very scary thing, im assuming you guys are young because I feel older person would have an easier time coming out.
If you really like this girl OP you need to have a sit down with her about boundaries if you want to.stay with her, she doesn’t seem like a bad person and you might be the first person she tried to date with this disease.and doesn’t know how to conduct herself.
IF YOU BREAK UP WITH HER, she might feel it was BECAUSE of the herpes thus make her want to hide it from her next partner.
PLEASE OP, IF YOU BREAK IT OFF WITH HER acknowledge it is BECAUSE SHE HID the fact she had herpes and not that she actually has it. Make a stigma for her to be open and honest rather than make her feel the need to hide this again from the next person she dates.
As someone with herpes who is medicated : according to my doctor it is basically impossible for me to pass it on unless I have an outbreak (rare and easily identifiable in my case) that being said I ALWAYS disclose well before physical contact and definitely not in the heat of the moment. Sober, conscious conversation.
It’s a matter of full consent for my partners and personal integrity on mine. People who don’t disclose (which should also be practice if you get cold sores btw) contribute to the unjust stigma. Is herpes a big deal? No. Did she show a complete lack of care for you and lack of personal morals? Yes.
That is so scary. And some people say its not important to know someone’s sexual history?…
that’s not okay at all. it’s selfish for her to not share such a thing with you. i hope this test comes back negative. sorry that happened too you<4
This is always interesting to me. Should someone confess they can get cold sores? I think herpes is the same. If you have an active cold sore no kissing. If you have an active herpe no sexing.
But I’ve never had someone say they have cold sores and if they did I wouldn’t care I’d just not kiss them when one came to the surface.
She quite literally denied you informed consent, you deserve better.
This is a NO. This info needs to be disclosed PRIOR!
As I’m a person who has had someone do this to them MONTHS into a relationship; shit happens. Up to you if you stick or go if with them or if too late then: too late. Mine was a genuine good person, just fear and stigma took over her telling me. I’ve been up front with every partner since and even got to add more non-curables to my list after they didn’t disclose.
So yeah. Shit happens, I let everyone know now, still get my tings. Ish. Meh. RuneScape it is.
I’m just curious to the answer of this- but isn’t withholding that information until after sex a type of sexual assault?
What?! No! Uh you have to tell someone that before you bang, not after (TWICE).
Edit: also, huge problem that she said your reaction makes her not want to tell people I the future. Huge. Obviously, this is in fact information you are entitled to (and I can’t believe she would say otherwise).