For awhile I’ve been stuck, my boyfriend (22M) gets very badly stressed and has always been told to keep it to himself from childhood. Until he met me, he speaks a little I’ve tried to help but tends to push me out, want his space and avoid taking it out on me which I always respect but I feel so useless in these situations because he takes time away continuously suffers alone and nothing I’m able to do helps him. This can usually last weeks, being in a LDR affects it a lot as I’m unable to be there in person.
Maybe I’m just overthinking nothing but am I doing the right thing just letting him be?
42 comments
I jerk off and get high
I jerk off and then try to find out what I can do about the shit that is going on.
Honestly I bottle that shit up and let it eat at me from the inside I’d rather not talk to anyone about it tbh
Lifting Weights, going out for a walk, oh and banging my girlfriend….. this usually works for me
I take pills since 2010 that help me with that. I don’t think they work anymore. In high stress situations my left arm hurts.
I don’t think I will be alive in 10 years. Stress and lack of reasons to feel happy will kill me.
I’m one of those guys too, and while I know for sure he appreciates your support, I suspect he would also appreciate if you were to back off a smidge. When people are in my face about trying to help me with personal shit, I always feel as though they’re prying, though I know they don’t mean it that way
Biking, walking in the park, working, model making or building something cool. Cooking and cleaning seems to be helpful as well.
Living a healthy lifestyle, mentally and physically. Get out, do exercise, eat healthy, count my blessings, avoid rumination, and spend time with family and friends. A lot of people struggle with stress. It just gets expressed in different ways.
Boys are socialised to be tough and strong, and hide their emotions. Girls are socialised to be gentle and loving, and to carry other people’s burdens. Both are unhealthy if taken too far. It’s the Beauty and the Beast scenario.
Let him be. You’re doing the right thing. Tell him you’ll be there if he needs you, but otherwise make sure you take care of yourself.
I cope and hustle. What is he stressing about that’s so world ending
I try to walk home after a long day because the fresh air and getting rid of the extra physical energy help, also during that time I am just free (as in can’t work so I’m not stressing over it)
I also found myself creative outlets that I enjoy.
From a guy’s perspective:
We don’t bottle things up because we are told to as if it is an expectation. We bottle things up because of the feedback we get from the world when guys don’t. When someone tells us to bottle up, we don’t see that person as someone who is putting expectations on us… We see them as someone who is concerned for us and is giving us advice with how to handle a world that would leave us bleeding in a gutter to make a point. We are socially disposable on a level most women can’t relate to.
There is a huge difference between someone telling someone to “man up” because you don’t want to see them hurt by expectations…. And telling a man to do so because you don’t care about their problems and think they need to grow up…. We always know the difference.
That being said, we still value you… A lot. This is our struggle. When someone knows we are struggling and we know she cares… That means the world to us even if she did nothing. If he tells you to give him space and you do…. The fact that he has someone in his life that would do what he asks because they care just might be the most emotionally valuable thing he has ever had. He notices when you respect his wishes. He loves your for it and continuing to do so may make him feel safe enough to venture out on his own.
Alternatively, if you try to persuade him to open up…. He will often feel as if opening him up is more important to you than he is. Remember, the world doesn’t care about us… And anyone that tries to open us up to that doesn’t care what happens… They care about getting the results they want from us. The guy last week who told us to be quiet in a bro-like atmosphere did so because he knows our struggle and didnt want us to get hurt. Our life experiences are that different.
Perfect example: if I asked a mate to leave me be… And she quietly did… And then I looked up and saw that she had left my favorite drink poured on the table for me when she went to bed…. I would probably feel so loved that I would physically cry… And I would go straight to bed.
Smoke weed
just be there for the guy that’s a lot more than you think. When you can be there in person plan a little vacation or something
List his issues with him
Every problem has a solution
Less problems= less stress
Iceberg theory…u can only see the tip of the ice berg but underneath there’s a huge body hidden from the world that controls the tip
Poorly.
Men need more safe spaces to vent in healthy and productive ways.
Often times that means hitting the gym, but there are very few if none that are community safe spaces. That’s why they keep trauma dumping the moment they feel safe with their S.O.
1) I keep a mental health journal. A **very** private notebook where I write down my thoughts and feelings. What’s going well. What’s stressing me out. Just somewhere I can process what’s going on and find words for what’s going on inside me.
2) I exercise regularly. I never understood how helpful exercise is for emotional regulation till I started exercising regularly. I began to notice days where I’d show up to the gym pissed off and leave totally chill.
3) I have around 2-4 friends that I can talk to about the things that are bugging me and trust not to hurt me in return. I am proactive about maintaining these friendships. They are my emotional safety net.
Experience it.
I think your doing the right things I’m the same way with stress I need space to think up solutions. For the stressful things in my life. Don’t worry about it to much it’s how men operate and is a healthy way to deal with stress
Bottle it up because we’re MEN, then explode when someone tries to help us because that’s what society seems to like.
What have you done so far?
Weed seems to help
Vigorous exercise and plenty of fun.
I just take it. Work out until I’m too tired to worry. Scream like a goddamn animal when I’m sure no one can hear me.
Very healthy, do not recommend.
I guess the most you can do is be there for him. A lot of men (including me) don’t like to be a burden onto others, so we’ll usually just suffer in silence. There are moments though where he’ll open up if it ever becomes too much. Does he have a guy friend that can check up on him, hangout with him?
Try to get him into a healthy coping mechanism. some men go to the gym, others eventually may give in and see therapy, mines… Not the healthiest, but marijuana has helped me a lot (I’m not going to judge anyone for drug use, but PLEASE go to a psychiatrist before self medicating, and seek medical help if you’re addicted).
If he does ever give a glimpse of what he’s feeling, don’t dismiss it, but don’t treat it as a huge deal either. Remember men may want to be heard, but don’t want to be a burden.
> How do guys deal with stress?
Poorly. 😂
Speaking for myself, I’ve gotten fired from multiple jobs and have had long periods of unemployment, the reasons for which were mainly to do with poor mental health and poor stress management. I’m only now at a point at which I can finally say that I’m getting decently centred and can handle most of the bullshit that gets thrown my way without letting it sink me.
I couldn’t have done this on my own. Without my family doing more than their fair share to help me (or, more accurately, *drag* me) through it, I probably wouldn’t even be here to tell you all this. So that’s helped a great deal.
I’ve also learned to not sweat the small stuff, to roll with the punches and to not try to carry the world on my shoulders. Carrying oneself is hard enough — perhaps he needs to focus on that. Discipline maketh the man.
I meditate and work out, they help a lot. Talking things through with my girl is also great, even if she isn’t able to help directly. I also go to therapy.
Being present and dumbbells only go so far. You need help when you’re suffering badly, it’s just that simple.
I want to fix the problem if I can, or just let it go if I can’t.
Talking about it doesn’t actually make it feel any better, and it certainly doesn’t fix it.
All it does is make me seem and feel whiny which is a trait I think most honest people can admit is not attractive in a partner regardless of gender.
The best way to move past it is to just stop focusing on it. I can talk about it with you for 2 hours and dwell on it for another hour after that, Or I can just go load up some CSGO, play a game and get my mind off it, and be refreshed and ready to actually be a boyfriend an hour later.
No idea why your boyfriend is taking weeks. That’s insane to me but some people are better or worse at letting things go.
We bottle things up because the times we’ve opened up have gotten us left.
Why are you making his stress about you?
I masturbate. Or I sleep. Or I masturbate and then sleep.
Consider doing magic mushrooms with him. It will help him gain insight in as to why he is so stressed out, make him feel the real reason and then present him with a solution. Life events will still cause stress, but it will help him to learn manage it better.
Talking with my dad or my mom or my grandma. Old people have a lot experience and can help putting things into perspective when needed. Suggest maybe he talks with his older relative. Best of luck for you 🤞
I go to the gym
Work on my car’.
Walk my dog
Try and let things go.
When my car was running good I used to take long drives. No stereo. Just engine noise.
After a few miles testosterone would take over and if complete forget why I went for the drive in the first place
Sometimes I sit there and stare at the ceiling, then close my eyes and let my mind wander. Usually I play video games tho
I jump from a plane
Work out a way to meditate together – there are heaps of guided meditation apps for free, wifi call and sit through one together.
The problem with stress isn’t that it exists, stress and the processes your body uses to respond to it are normal. It becomes a problem when you aren’t able to get away from that stress. By doing simple guided meditation together, you help him by giving him some stress free time, you asking him to do it with you gives him permission to put down his burdens, and do something that most men are taught not to do. This is the sort of thing many men find in other ways – gaming, chatting on the internet, late nights alone, and drinking. Instead see if he wants it to be something he does with you.
Vigorous exercise actually works and mostly I do that (running 3x a week etc.) I also build in “break” activities – nights out, weekends away etc so I always have something not too far away to look forward to.
I keep time to myself and time to spend with my wife (a couple of drinks in the pub on Friday followed by pizza abs a movie at home, or long walks in green places on the weekend) and for me, unless I actively want advice, or to share I’m in a bad place or want to warn about some impending risk, I keep work discussion to a minimum.
When I’m coping badly, I drink more than I should, eat badly and always regret it, so I try to do the other things as much as possible.
Workout, read, do crafts, cook something new, garden, board games, D&D, videos games, etc.
**The thing that makes a coping skill effective is that it requires you to focus on it**. If you find yourself thinking about your troubles while cooking, for example, you need to change your task.
**After cooling down, dealing with the issues is an entirely separate step.** Therapy is a good place to start there.
Drink excessively
Just move on because even if i do open up to a SO what if she uses it against me in an argument. And while you might never do that and god bless you for it there are a lot more women who would.
Gym, sleep, videogames, friends, food, ur mom.