TL;DR
My husband and his female friend have both confessed they feel “differently” about each other, and different than other friends but my husband says it isn’t romantic even though my gut feeling and our other friends see it differently.
My husband and I are both in our early 20’s.
We have 2 children
This is long but I need help.
My husband and I have been together about 6 years.
He has 3 friends that come over every week to hang out. One of these friends is a female. They have all been friends for about 5 years. I have always gotten vibes from him and this female friend, I’ll call her B. B was dating one of my husbands friends but last year they broke up. Since then, B has been extra close with my husband and it has made me super uncomfortable. She will sometimes send messages that seem vague but targeted towards my husband, such as saying she has certain friends she thinks are hot and could hook up with. And when the friends come over to hang out, their body language screams into each other, they’re sitting near each other, talking the whole time, texting while beside each other, even the other friends have noticed that they are “obviously each others favorite”. As I started to get more uncomfortable with their relationship I told him I wouldn’t really feel ok with them hanging out alone, since they were talking about going to the movies and stuff. Immediately the next time they hung out, after everyone else left they stayed up talking for hours. This happens in our living room while I’m asleep in the next room. Till about 4 am. He says it doesn’t really count as “alone” because I’m in the next room and there’s a camera (for our children) in there so they obviously aren’t doing anything. He walks her to her car, they text every minute of the day, she said she didn’t feel good enough to drive one day and he was texting “are you ok?? What’s happening??? Do you need me to come get you???” And calling her. He has always dismissed there being anything special between the two of them, and I reached out to B’s ex boyfriend and asked if he ever got the feeling something is off between them like I do. He agreed fully, and spent about an hour telling me all about it. He said he knows she is into him but doesn’t know if my husband is into her. So I told my husband to ask her. She confessed she is attracted to him and feels differently about him but can’t really pinpoint how. She said she gets thoughts about hugging him and holding his hand. My husband finally opened up and was saying he feels differently about her too, but he wouldn’t consider it romantic. He says he really cares about her, they’re closer than any other friends, he wants to get closer and wants to be her favorite person. He doesn’t understand why I’m feeling so hurt when he isn’t wanting to be with her. There was one instance when he agreed he wouldn’t talk to her from me being uncomfortable before, I went months thinking they stopped but they had switched to a different app I didn’t know about and never stopped. Even when I was birthing our son he was texting her and changed his password so I couldn’t get in his phone while we were sleeping In The hospital. To be fair, I have NEVER found anything obviously bad or cheating. It’s always just things that make me feel weird or give me a gut feeling. I feel as if I’m crazy because I’m feeling like I’ve lost my husband. I just need any advice. I just don’t know what to think. He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong and it feels as if I just watched him get married to someone else.
Do I trust my husbands word that he isn’t in love with this person even though they may be having romantic feelings towards him. Do I ask him to cut off his friend. Do I sit down and shut up. Do we separate. Idk
33 comments
Unfortunately he’s emotionally cheating and usually it becomes physically and probably she’ll be the aggressor and he’ll Follow so he doesn’t hurt her unfortunately he’s not seeing what he’s doing to you so ask him face to face if you acted like this how would he feel and enough is enough or time to see a lawyer because he’s worried more about her then you!!!!
This is an emotional affair. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Cheating doesn’t need to be physical. He is taking away his attention and focus from you, his family which should be the most important thing. It looks like you have expressed your discomfort with the situations and he doesn’t respect your feelings. His concern and focus should be on how you feel and not the pleasure he derives from this friendship and/or attention. I would probably talk to him calmly and openly about why you find this concerning and if he still doesn’t respect you enough to let go of someone who isn’t family, I’d say you have your answer.
He is putting more time and effort into this friendship, than his relationship with you. He chooses her over your discomfort and has admitted to wanting an even closer relationship with her. This is emotionally cheating in my opinion. You feel the way you do because he is treating her like his actual partner. He has shown you through his actions that she comes first. If he’s willing to risk your relationship over this, then you may have reached the breaking point of being able to fix this.
He is at the very least having an emotional affair . He needs to shut that shit down. Immediately. He’s disrespecting your marriage and so is she. He needs to end all communication with her. Now! No ifs and or buts. If he’s not willing to get rid of a “friend “ to save his marriage then you have your answer about what is really going on between them. And I have to say that woman has some nerve coming over to hang out in your home pretending to be a friend when she actually has romantic feelings. My first thought is to throw them both in the trash together but since you’re married and have kids then I’d start with seeing how setting the boundaries go. But honestly I’d be prepared to leave his cheating ass.
You deserve better
Emotional affairs are based off relationship boundaries, it all comes down to how you feel about the relationship with the other person, I’ve seen people who are 100% chill about their partners being emotionally dependent on another person and I’ve seen people get pissed over the smallest bit of emotional conversation with another person.
You need to decide upon your own boundaries
This sucks. It’s absolutely an emotional affair. Your relationship can be repaired, but he’ll need to want to do the work.
I’d post on the infidelity forum at talk about marriage. Even better if you can get your husband there too.
Hugs. You deserve better.
You need to give him an ultimatum and get his friend (her ex) to back you. This is insanity. Talking until 4am in YOUR house. He needs to step up.
This is an emotional affair and if he doesn’t get her out of her life it will turn physical. Did he only tell you that he feels differently about her, or is that something she knows too? If she knows she will 100% try something physical. She needs to be out of the picture, and it doesn’t seem like he understands that and has no boundaries. He’s being disrespectful and inappropriate and picking his relationship with her over his own wife and kids. Talk to him and seriously tell him he picks you or her, or you divorce.
Yes, it’s an emotional affair. I always wonder, while reading posts like yours (sadly quite a few) how much better your marriage would be if he put all that “friend” energy towards his actual family. Perhaps that’s a way to open a conversation with him?
He is using this friendship to escape the pressures of his real life. With this friendship he has no responsibilities, no wife, no kids (including a newborn) that require his time & effort. It’s just a love-bombing love fest of how “special” they are together, with his ego being fed.
Of course, as mentioned, if he took that energy & turned it towards you and the kids, he wouldn’t be experiencing nearly as much pressure.
At this point, he has exceeded the usual “friends” boundaries, that others in his group (past/present) see it and he needs an ice bucket shower of reality that if he continues, he will still have the same financial responsibilities to your family (child support/alimony) with new expenses (place to live/attorney fees).
Yea to the EA. It’s so not appropriate for a married man to do this, and for her to go after him and tell him how she feels about him. Even after her telling him that she’s attracted to him, he’s still super close to her and even lied to you and texts her on an app that you were oblivious to. You have your boundaries, he’s crossing them. Question is: what are you going to do about it? Are you going to to sit there and wait for your husband to fuck her? Sorry for my language but they will sleep together, if they haven’t, they will. She wants your husband. And I think he wants her too to be honest.
He’s having an emotional affair.
> There was one instance when he agreed he wouldn’t talk to her from me being uncomfortable before, I went months thinking they stopped but they had switched to a different app I didn’t know about and never stopped. Even when I was birthing our son he was texting her and changed his password so I couldn’t get in his phone while we were sleeping In The hospital
Anytime you feel the need to hide a conversation with another person from your spouse, especially to the point that you have to change passwords, you can be sure that you are cheating.
He lied to you – he knows that.
OP, your husband is cheating on you. You already talked to him and voiced your concerns multiple times and he continuously chose her over you. I would advice you to more drastic measures.
Oh hell no. Whatever’s going on needs to end (all the teasing if there’s no cheating).
Not just friends by Shirley glass is a good book for you and your husband to read in order to understand why this relationship is damaging to your marriage and how to maintain healthy boundaries going forward
Become close with his best friend see how he likes it 😂….All jokes aside this is really weird sounds like an emotional affair in denial. Even if they aren’t doing anything he gives her too much time and thought space.
Tine to get a really close male friend?
Definitely trust your gut feeling here. You know your husband and you know that he is putting the relationship (platonic or not) with her over making sure his relationship with you is strong and healthy. Also, changing his password so you won’t “snoop” just screams emotional affair at an absolute minimum. He wants to preserve his ability to privately maintain whatever relationship they actually have (or want to have), which means even if it’s technically platonic he is still keeping something from you. Which will only unravel the trust between the two of you and puts you on the back burner as far as his priorities, because it’s no longer as important to him to make you feel prioritized and to do things that secure your trust in him as it is to continue to benefit from whatever his relationship with her is giving him (even if it’s just that he’s flattered by the attention and doesn’t actually have a romantic interest… which I personally think is hard to believe based on what you’re saying).
I think you’re going to have to have a very frank conversation with him stating that his actions are seriously putting your relationship in danger… because they are. You’re his wife and not her, so if it makes you uncomfortable then you need to state what your boundaries are and then give him the chance to make changes. If he doesn’t, then that kind of gives you your answer and you may need to trial separating so he knows that you’re serious and he can truly make his choice.
This is 100% an emotional affair
Id say emotional affairs are worse then cheating for sex imo
The first thing that needs to be done to save this marriage, **if that’s what you both want,** is for him to completely cut off his side piece; she has to go.
Next, he needs to confess **everything;** the cheating (emotional & physical), the lying; all of it. It’s up to you if you choose to believe his confession. If you can’t, honestly it’s time for divorce, kids or not.
If you can believe him, then it’s time for immediate marriage counseling. If you find yourself having to police him going forward, having constant trust issues (who TF would blame you), it’s time for divorce.
Her bf needs to be made aware of everything that’s going on. Honestly, it’s possible your marriage can survive this, but it mostly depends on your husband’s willingness to change & cut off the other woman.
Even still, it’ll be a long road of recovering your trust in him. If you’re both willing to endure the long road ahead, forgiveness does need to happen, hard as that may be, but not before confession & repentance on his part.
Don’t be distraught if divorce becomes your best option. **Your deserve a faithful husband,** u/Far_Internal_4693.
oh it always hurts me to hear that someone is in this dynamic and had a child together.
He’s not going to cut off his friend. You already asked him to do it and he didn’t. He lied to you. You are married to a liar and that’s how you know his bullshit about it not being romantic is just bullshit.
What you need to do is assess your life. Are you going to be happy living like this for the rest of your life? Being told that nothing is happening when it’s clear it is something.
Next step is to assess your financial situation. your support system. Talk to a lawyer and figure out what being single will look like.
The next time your husband asks why you are so mad about the situation you should tell him “Because i want to be married to someone whom I can trust and who respects me. But I’m not I’m married to someone who just switches apps to get better at hiding things from me.”
> he wants to get closer and wants to be her favorite person.
He should only care to be YOUR favorite person!
> There was one instance when he agreed he wouldn’t talk to her from me being uncomfortable before, I went months thinking they stopped but they had switched to a different app I didn’t know about and never stopped.
Doesn’t matter what the content of their conversations was, whether it was truly platonic or romantic. He betrayed your boundaries. He’s showing that he cares more about being in contact with this woman than he does about respecting his marriage.
> Even when I was birthing our son he was texting her and changed his password so I couldn’t get in his phone while we were sleeping In The hospital.
Oh hell no! I would end the marriage right there.
It’s an emotional affair and in some ways it feels worse than a physical one.
He seriously may not even realize it, but he is having an affair. You are within your right to demand it end.
Definitely an emotional affair.
He goes to her first for the good, the bad, with how he feels, with what he’s excited about, with his happiness, sadness and frustrations. That’s how you treat your partner, not your friend. And that he’s not treating you that way, but is her…he’s emotionally cheating on you.
Personally, I recommend seperating. At this point, you’ve laid your feelings bare and he doesn’t care to understand them, and you’ve also asked him to cut communication and he lied to you and snuck around behind your back (and at one of the most vulnerable moments of your life as well).
Not only do you need to show him that you’re quite serious about this (which he currently doesn’t believe as there have been zero consequences for his bullshit), but you also need to stand up for yourself. If he wants to work on your marriage and is genuine, he would need to suggest how to do so from there. And if he suggests anything less than cutting her from his life fully and marriage counselling, then he’s not genuine and you should just divorce. If he’s gonna treat you like a single parent, might as well be one so you can move forward in your life.
If it were me, I’d ask for a trial separation. Husband is already deep into the emotional affair, and I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I’d give him the space to go enjoy this other person, while simultaneously getting my ducks in a row to move on and live my best life.
The alternative is OP nagging and begging and hoping that the affair runs its course, and having to live with either never knowing if husband really loves her or just doesn’t want to deal with a divorce, or worse, coming home one day to packed bags and “I’m sorry, I have to see this through.”
Take your power back, OP. He’ll play both sides for as long as you let him, and you’ve already tried damn near everything else.
Tell him you’re not into sister-wife shit. He wants her to give all his romantic and emotional attention to, and you for… sex and laundry I guess? You’re worth so much more than that.
FYI, as soon as you’re out of the picture and their relationship becomes Real and not a shimmery dream, he’s gonna come crawling back. But by then you’ll have realized how much better you are without him.
He is emotionally cheating, could be he just doesn’t notice, look this is a kind grey area for lack of a better term, in other words is something that could escalate quickly, for the good vibes of the friendship.
Obviously he has gone all overboard is clear cut emotional cheating, in other words, the emotional investment that should go to you is going to her.
You need to give the ultimatum, this is not acceptable, he is loosing moments with his family for this friendship, is fucking your marriage for her
This is why is dangerous
It’s emotional cheating
>There was one instance when he agreed he wouldn’t talk to her from me being uncomfortable before, I went months thinking they stopped but they had switched to a different app I didn’t know about and never stopped. Even when I was birthing our son he was texting her and changed his password so I couldn’t get in his phone while we were sleeping In The hospital.
He’s actively cheating. He has violated your trust. There isn’t a future here. Why do you want to stay with someone you know you can’t trust even as you are giving birth?
You can’t trust him to cut her off. He’s said he would before and just hid it better
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
Your husband is having an emotional affair. He has refused to cut contact with her. He is consistently choosing her over you. Do with that info what you will.