So, just to give context, I was previously married to a guy that was only with me and I was only with him. Since entering the dating scene after our divorce, I’ve found it very difficult to feel special in relationships. I just keep thinking about how they’ve already been with other people and have already tried/gone through the same things we have, so what’s really different? I know this is a bad way of thinking, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s just deja vu. Like, how will I ever know if I was the right fit for them or I was just available? If they’ve had sex before, why would they want to commit to having sex with me? How do I find meaning in something that guys say “is all the same” and I was at the end of a lineup of?
I keep finding myself ending relationships because, when it starts getting more serious, I ask these questions and the guys get off. This makes me think they don’t find me special (confirming my fear).
I used to look at sex like a confirmation of a guy saying “you’re worth the risk” since there is a pregnancy and disease risk involved but, after experiencing many examples of guys blocking me after, I’ve realized not many view sex this way. I guess it’s made me feel hopeless. If sex isn’t special? What’s really the point of entering into a relationship? Can it actually be special? How?
6 comments
I’m not really sure if this is the right sub for ur question. To me it sounds like you haven’t find someone you really fell in love with because otherwise you wouldn’t ask this questions.
The more I like a guy, the more hurt I am by this.
I could be assuming wrong but it seems like you’re using dating apps to find these men? I wouldn’t recommend those. There are good people on there, sure, but the vast majority of people that stay on dating apps are not ideal personalities in my opinion.
Instead, if you focus on hobbies and things you are passionate about, you can connect to men who share those things with you and form a much better quality relationship.
Regarding sex and “important questions” to partners like marriage, kids or whatever: my current gf asked my opinion on marriage the day I confessed my feelings to her. I don’t think it’s a scary or negative thing to ask. It just means that she knows her priorities LOL. So, don’t feel bad about asking “uncomfortable” questions, because the right person will not think it’s uncomfortable.
That being said, in current year, many people and especially young people don’t think of sex as something that special (in comparison to previous generations). So you can compromise on this, or you can look hard for a man who is more traditional. This usually comes with religion though, which may or may not be a dealbreaker.
Personally I think sex is kind of sort of special since it is the ultimate vulnerability, but I think the bond between two people and the relationship itself is more special than that.
It seems to me you’re putting sex and romantic love up on a pedestal and are looking for validation of your worth from men. I’m not surprised if men distance themselves from you when you start asking questions like the ones you describe. Do you have such a poor self image that you actually believe a man wouldn’t want to have sex with you because they’ve had sex before? Like “nope, I’m good. Already checked off ‘sex’ on my to-do list”. I have literally never had a men tell me sex with me was the same as every other woman he’d been with. Who a man had sex with previously has absolutely *nothing* to do with you. It is possible to have amazing sex with a caring man and not be in a romantic relationship. And there are plenty of types of relationships that don’t revolve around sex and romance.
Your worth is not defined by men and sex. You do not need a man to complete you and no single relationship should be everything to you. If this is the energy you’re bringing into intimate interactions it’s not gonna be easy to find a man who’ll stick around very long, unless he’s codependent (which is also very unhealthy).
“You’re worth the risk” is honestly a tragically low bar to set. These thought patterns are unhealthy and are obviously causing you a lot of distress. A therapist can help you with examining and reframing your thoughts much better than a Reddit rando can. You need to work on your relationship with yourself before anything else. Then focus on healthy relationships with friends and family. Gaining confidence and having a strong support system will go a long way in helping you attract the right man for you or will help you realize you don’t need a man in order to be a whole person.
I always hear guy say all vaginas feel the same.
Fbuddies are easier to find than lovers. When you find a lover, you’ll know it. Big difference in how it feels.