I (36M) have a laid back personality, patient and always willing to help. My wife (37F) is great but she can get frustrated quite easily and can lead her to be snappy about things.
I get frustrated because of our relationship dynamic I cope some shit for things that a joint responsibility, or partially joint responsibility, or aren’t that big of a deal.
For example, The dishwasher not being run the night before, is met with a frustrated grrrr, followed up with a snappy remark.
Or the diaper bag is packed but I have forgotten the drink bottle, and she has to grab it and pack it. Then makes it out to be so terrible that I might have forgotten the kids water (It is possible to get water out and about).
I would like to have a code word that I could say. The meaning of that word would be, I think you are treating me unfairly, and how would you want me to react in this situation, if you were in my shoes.
I am guessing the above isn’t an original idea. If there is something similar that has been written about or discussed can you point me in that direction. I would like to share something with my wife so we could intern discuss it and try it out.
TLDR: looking for examples/articles of a Code word being used to say how would you want to be treated if you were in my shoes.
1 comment
I think that first you should examine your attitude. “Willing to help” might just be phrasing or it might indicate that you’re defaulting responsibility onto her and that anything you do is “helping” her even if it’s incomplete. There’s always a lot of discussion on here about mental load. If you help here and there vs taking responsibility for making sure things get completed, then you’re not taking on the mental load. She still has to go through and check everything. If that’s what’s happening, then that is going to be very frustrating for her. If you forget to do the dishes, does it then pass to her? In the case of the bag, she had to double check your work and then correct it. That’s adding work for her. If youre always laid back, that might force her to always be diligent. If that’s not what’s happening, then you need to have a discussion when neither of you are already worked up about the division of labor, why she’s feeling so frustrated, and what needs to change so that you guys can be the best team possible. If there’s a division of labor/mental load problem that’s dumping more work on her, then a code word seems more like you just asking her to not make you feel bad about not doing the work. She should be finding better ways to express her frustration, but if she’s overwhelmed and feels like she can’t rely on you then that’s the root problem that should be addressed first.