Im at witts end because whenever i think, things are improving, stuff happens that put us to square one again.
So my fiance has this habbit of leaving his things around and forgetting to put them back or tidy up. For a while ive been feeling like he doesnt appreciate the effort i make into making our appartment ( which we moved into recently) a home. I always have to remind him several times to tidy up. He always tells me he will and then something pops up and he tells me hel do it later.
I told him last night to please remove a package that he opened in my study room. He said he will, on his way out to work tomorow. We live in an apartment complex, where the bin is about 60ft away from our flat. He saw the annoyance on my face and said that he understands that , its just that he is too tired to do anything mostly once he reaches home but he assured me he will remove the package from my study the next day. We had a nice evening after and everything was fine.
My fiance left the home at 5am. When i woke up, i saw the package in my study and i started fuming, because he again hasnt cleared up his stuff, even though he meant to. I felt violated at this point, because why does he think its ok to leave rubbish in my place of work, but expects me to respect his space and work.
On top of this, its been two weeks past the time hes meant to pay me my allowance. Unfortunaley im still at law school, and take care of the kids. Hes the sole earner and he promised me to support me throughout my studies and encouraged me to finish them. We had an agreement that he transfers the money to my account monthly so far it worked out fine.
But this month, he hasnt transferred anything yet and ive been running low, the bills are piling up. I kept on asking him, about when he sends the money and he kept on telling me that this month is a bad month, i have to wait for a bit, but hel try his best by next week. We dont have a shared account. ( he said this last week). So Monday came and Ive sent him a request via paypal to send the money. And he rejected it. I called him to ask what that was about and he said, that he currently is short on money due to a high bill he had to pay to the tax office. He is self employed. And the taxoffice has demanded he pays 46 k and threatened with court etc. He himself is waiting on money from others so, he told me to bear it, hes doing his best etc.
I understand that to some degree, however because I feel that in general he likes to put things off to another time and uses work as an excuse or to make himself important. I felt that he isnt taking the issues seriously and ive been wondering if hes being narcisstic and/or even sadistic for making me wait on him everytime.
So ive sent him a voice note making my frustrations known to him, that when it comes to him, he wants things to get done, but the other way around he expects me to be patient and understanding. I also told him that I just dont feel appreciated sometimes, in general. Him thinking that its okay to mess up the house, and expecting me to tidy because of whatever favors he claims he did for me, i feel like he doesnt see us as equals sometimes.
He called me to say that he is busy at work and that he will get back to me later. That just angered me more, so i told him that when he gets home i wont be doing the laundry or cook anymore until he starts treating me as an equal and also respects my space ( as in not leaving the package wrapper on my desk where i work).
He then messaged me that he cant do this anymore. Me terrorising him at work, while he is trying to provide for the family. Maybe i should find work myself, as he is not a walking wallet. ( is this not gaslighting?)
That really stunned me, because he never told me that. Whenever i was worried, looking for jobs, he insissted that i should focus on my studies. I waited for an apology but instead he was just cold and when i called him he angrily told me, that i should stop trying to sabotage him by terrorising him at work, there is nothing to talk about. I feel ashamed, because I know he was at his office and his colleagues surely have overheard this.
I feel so disheartened. A Weekend group trip with my sons Football Team is booked and planned for this weekend. ;My mother is meant to come in 3 weeks to look after the kids while we were meant to go on a retreat. Now i dont know how to tell my mum. I
He came home, clearing all the things he was meant to clear and when the kids asked wether he is not eating with us, he said that he will have to cook something himself, since the food is prob. not meant for him. I found that so shady. He was the one calling it quits via the phone. How can he possibily expect me to invite him over to the table. I just dont know how to be right now.
I hate that my studies depend on someone. I already took out a loan earlier in the studies but I had to stop, because the interest rate was increasing yearly. I gladly received a grant for a few years, but now that Im 30 this will be the last year. My fiance has assured me that we will make it. But today hes showed me a different side and despite his meanness,he is feeling sorry for himself because i didnt cook for him.
Im fuming but im trying my best to not let it out infront of the kids. So what is my next step? Should i stick to my pride and insist we seperate and make it clear to him that since he said he is done, we are done. Should i confront him again, hoping that he will see what he did wrong and demand for him to make ammends?
Guys dont get me wrong, its not because of a package wrapper. Its because in general, over the years I feel that when it comes to his demands, I am mostly attentive, and dont make him wait. He does not always appear to appreciates that. And when it comes to my demands, he thinks its okay to make me wait, and i dont like having to feel that im begging him just to do something he is meant to in the first place.
If It wasnt for my studies i honestly would have not cared to make ammends. But now I see that if we break up, i wouldnt be able to afford the apartment alone.The car, he bought me. Even if let me keep it, i wouldnt be able to afford to run it. Fuel, Insurance. Its things that he pays. I had our kids young, before i finished my studies.He already was doing well, so it gave me the sense of security.
I never wanted to be dependent on a man. I want to be a prosecutor one day. And im trying my best to get through to law school. But Sad truth. I am dependent at the moment. My parents are not in the position to help me out financially. My savings arent enough to sustain for another two years. What advice can you give me, how do i navigate in this situation without loosing my self worth?
3 comments
It sounds like you do treat him like he’s a wallet. You keep pestering him about little things,
like a package, when he is clearly busy and tired.
Look at it from his perspective. He works all day only (from 5 am?) to get bitched at by you during work over a package, then bitched at for not engaging in the argument with you *while he’s working*, and you threaten to not do his laundry or cook for him because he refuses to engage in an argument *while he’s working*. Why are you surprised he’s standing up for himself after you bully him all day when he’s at work? Why do you bother him while he’s working?
I would never treat my husband like that because he forgot to throw a package away or made a mess (and he makes messes frequently – he works in construction). My husband is self employed and I stay home/financially depend on him, and I would never call him during the work day to bitch at or argue with him. I would’ve gotten rid of it myself instead of turning it into an unnecessary argument.
You deserve to feel embarrassed for harassing him at work in front of his colleagues when he repeatedly asked you to stop while he was at work. You should’ve thought about that before continuing to bother him. What was he supposed to say when you continuously harassed him?
This happens from time to time with us as well. I’ll ask hubby to do something, he agrees, but forgets until I remind him and it can be a bit of a cycle.
It’s frustrating for sure. But there is so much going on in his mind that he doesn’t tell me about – to not worry me or stress me out. He is the man of the house, working to provide for his family. It basically all falls on his shoulders while I take care of the household and the kids. If he isn’t in the right mind for work because of stressors at home, then work and money flow will inevitably get messed up as well.
He isn’t a child that I can barter with over household duties. Like if he doesn’t move a box, I won’t cook dinner for him or so his laundry. These things don’t equal each other. He is out of the house for a majority of the day and honestly a box that’s left out is not his concern at all. It shouldn’t have been left there but he got sidetracked with something more important, most likely, and it didn’t get dealt with. Is moving a box more important that our relationship and family? No. Sometimes I’ll be petty and move it to his work area and say “hey I moved your box over for you so you don’t forget to break it down. “ or I’ll take care of it myself and say “hey. I noticed you were super busy/ tired and forgot about the box. I took care of it for you. Next time can you please not leave it in my work area as it was distracting or in my way.”
It doesn’t have to be complicated. You two are partners!! Have each other’s backs even if it’s a box being left out and you feel “it’s the principle”. There will be so much worse things you need to face together.
Sounds to me like you are resentful that you have to rely on your husband to be able to go to school, and are taking out those frustrations on him.
sounds like he’s had enough.