Met this girl (23) a couple months ago while on an extended vacation in another country and also met a guy (25) she was with the same night. I (28) wasn’t sure if they were together or not, but didn’t care because I wasn’t interested. I was just there to hangout with my new friend group that they joined in on. Before the night ended they both added me on social.
I left for a month and she started commenting on my posts and sending me messages about them. She became very flirty and I started to flirt back. I assumed she must have broken up or something or she never was actually dating him.
I’m planning on moving to this country. I decided to come back and visit and meet her for coffee one day. The next day I invite her to a movie for that weekend. I still wasn’t even sure if this was a friend thing or not, but she indicated interest in the movie. It ends up being a date. We go home and part ways. The next date ends up being her hinting at the idea of watching a movie with me back at my place. We end up sleeping together that night.
The next day that guy I met earlier starts following me on social. At that point, I figured maybe he is just a jealous ex. I ignore it. Another day passes. He then messages me saying he’s her bf and things got really messy after I had sex with his gf.
Now, I’m not feeling too well realizing she was still in a relationship. They end up breaking it off that night and she moves out of his place. He didn’t give me many details outside of not trusting her. I talk to her and she tells me she had tried breaking up with him before, but he wouldn’t accept it. There were lots of problems they had where he demanded sex every night even though she didn’t want it, wouldn’t show affection around her when he was with his friends, wouldn’t let her go out too late in the evenings with her friends, etc. None of her friends liked him and would discourage her from staying with him. The relationship sounded toxic and he sounded controlling. This was her first adult relationship.
I was ready to break it off with her until she told me all this, but now I can understand where she is coming from. It sounds like she was kind of trapped in a bad relationship and in her mind it was over already. However, they were still living together and still officially together. Their relationship lasted for about 6 months. He had been telling her he was going to move and that it’s just going to be a short term relationship. He actually planned on ending their relationship before the end of the year, so he kind of dragged her along on that idea. She feels she has ruined things with me and feels pretty bad about it. She says she wants to keep seeing me, but doesn’t think I should want to keep seeing her. Talking with her, it sounds like she couldn’t find the right time to tell me of her situation, but she also said she had no plans to tell me.
There will obviously be trust issues here. There’s that feeling in my mind that she might repeat this same kind of cheating thing. I don’t know if it makes it any different that she was in a bad relationship and then did it or not. What do you think?
TLDR; Girl (23) broke up with her bf (25) after cheating on him with me (28). Relationship was toxic and she tried to break up with him, but he wouldn’t accept it and said he’d break it off when he left by the end of the year. Should I expect that she’d cheat on me too even if I didn’t create the same environment with her?
28 comments
Probably. Do it once, second time is easier. Plus, 23 is not grown up. Maybe when she matures and grows out and grows up, she may learn relationships are serious for some people, not for others. She seems to be the others.
If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.
Well, it’s not your fault, you thought she was single, all of that is on her. Should you expect anything different? Even though people can change no, I would expect from her the same from her because she’s already shown you what she does. Although her story makes sense and it does seem toxic, she has still shown you her willingness to cheat. It’s up to you as to what you want to do but she’s already shown you a poor behavior. Hope this helps.
The problem with cheating is it shows what sort of person they are. But she didn’t cheat. She was a hostage in an abusive relationship who told him ti was over, but she was unable to get free. So, unless you plan to abuse her, what one does in response to being abused isn’t representative of how someone acts in a non-abusive relationship. You can’t cheat on an abuser, because cheating is breaking the relationship agreements, and abuse nullifies all relationship agreements. The only ethical responsibility of an abuse victim is to protect themself and any other innocents as best they can. Nothing is owed to an abuser, certainly not faithfulness.
Full disclosure, I only read the title. You should probably expect to be cheated on. If she had had time to reflect on how cheating is wrong and that she should have ended the relationship before beginning a new one, maybe it would be ok, I do believe people can change. And if I met someone now, in my 30s who I found out had cheated on a toxic partner when they were in their early 20s, I would likely look past it (but still be wary tbh) but it doesn’t seem like thats the case here. You should keep your guard up and watch for warning signs of infidelity, especially if you guys have an argument
What’s important to you: Honesty or exclusivity (or both)? I thought for a long time that being cheated on would hurt because that’s what everyone says, right? But then I realized it was just the dishonesty, every time. If someone immediately came to me and told me what they’d done, it didn’t feel bad at all. But I’m not wired for monogamy so I acknowledge that this is not normal. My point is that it’s only cheating if you don’t know about it / aren’t okay with it.
Anyway, to answer the question—there’s a definite chance she will cheat again. It does sound like a very toxic relationship so what you know is that she is the type of person who could cheat when the relationship isn’t going well. And it is possible for any relationship to have rough patches. That said, if we write off anyone who has ever cheated, that eliminates a hell of a lot of people. It’s necessary to take this case by case. You haven’t known her long and don’t know how much of the toxicity came from her, though it sounds like the relationship was edging into abuse territory. Things are usually not black and white. Most people have a bit of bad in them. The real question is whether she’ll show you that ugliness and whether you’ll accept it or not.
You sure will, and hopefully it happens soon. If they cheat WITH you, they’ll cheat ON you.
Yup. If she’ll cheat with you then she’ll cheat on you. That’s just science.
Eventually, your relationship will likely end the same way, with her describing you the same way that she described him, to some new guy.
I’m sorry but people do lie and the whole ”I wouldn’t even speak to me if I were you” is a pure form of manipulation that everyone uses especially when cheating and if you think about it she was cheating on the both of you she was in a relationship and straight up told you she wasn’t going to tell you about it
Even if she isn’t lying why was cheating the only thing she could do to get out of the relationship? How did she manage to sleep with you and go to hang around you if he doesn’t let her go out? It is possible but just seems a bit too fishy for me
Idk anyone willing to cheat and jump into a relationship straight away normally ends up cheating on that person too not everyone is like that though so I can’t sit here and tell you that she will 100% do that and is 100%lying all I can say is if you do continue to date her just be careful OP
It’s a firm maybe. Sometimes people cheat and learn there are no consequences, other times they cheat and learn the consequences aren’t worth it. Best you can do is talk to her about her current relationship (does she regret that it came to cheating? What would she do instead in hindsight?) And then just make sure you’re very clear early on what your expectations are regarding exclusivity and see if she’s on the same page. Try to be as nonconfrontational about it as possible, because if she feels threatened she might feel like she has to lie. Just approach it from a call “this is what I want out of a relationship, is that also what you want? If not, no hard feelings but let’s go different ways.”
Time tells all truth. You could start seeing a person who has never cheated or been in a relationship and they could cheat on you. You could be with someone who has cheated in past relationships and they could be loyal to you.
What you know in this situation is that she cheated when she felt done with the relationship. That doesn’t mean she would do it again or that she wouldn’t do it again, or that it could or couldn’t happen under different circumstances.
So no, you shouldn’t “expect” her to cheat on you too.
That doesn’t mean either of you are ready for a relationship with the other. If you choose to pursue a relationship it will come with its own pleasures, issues, and circumstances.
But you both will still carry your individual patterns. A pattern I see based on your post is that you do not ask direct questions, maybe you’re a bit passive and prefer to make assumptions instead of being assertive and having hard conversations (ex: you could have asked if they were together when you had assumptions going both ways). She will withhold information that she thinks will get in her way (ex: she didn’t tell you she was in a bad relationship she wasn’t willing to leave first before seeing you).
Definitely come to Reddit for a nuanced take on this subject. Definitely.
Don’t ever date those girls. Can never turn them into a housewife as the famous rap lyric goes.
Just throwing this out there
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 6 years. What I wore, where I went, who I talked to was questioned constantly. I couldn’t go out with friends, wear makeup, talk to men without it being a problem. Not once did I so much as flirt with anyone else.
You know what I did? I left.
Cheating is still cheating. Maybe she had some better excuses than “I was bored” for her motivations but that doesn’t change anything for me. Do I think people can learn, grow and change? Sure! But “I was in a controlling 6 month relationship” doesn’t cut it. I would say if you really like this girl, things should be moving at a snails pace. A lot of trauma and damaging habits can form in a controlling relationship that will be brought into yours, whether she means to or not.
Go ahead and date her and then come back and let us know how it goes
My last ex ditched her bf at the time to get with me. 3 months ago she ditched me to get with someone else. Run.
You lose them how you get them.
I know a guy who married a girl who had admitted to cheating on previous partners. She too said she regretted it and had a bunch of excuses about those relationships being toxic, how she’d wanted to leave but wasn’t sure how to end things. He thought “I’m nothing like those other guys. Our relationship isn’t toxic. There’s no way she’d do that to me.”
Guess what? As soon as things got a little bit tough, she cheated on him too. He even forgave her the first time and tried to work on their marriage and… Yup, she cheated again. She’s now his ex-wife and that divorce cost him a very pretty penny. Thousands of dollars spend to learn an important lesson: He wasn’t the exception.
You won’t be either.
tbh OP it all sounds extremely suspect.
It’s not just the cheating its the blurred lines for being open and honest with you. If this relationship she was in was toxic its actually REALLY unfair on your because you could find yourself stalked and murdered.
> She says she wants to keep seeing me, but doesn’t think I should want to keep seeing her.
This is quite interesting – its a subtle and nasty manipulation, because this girl can always say “I told you not to” and basically blame you for staying when she strays.
A real one simply wouldn’t be in a relationship with you if they genuinely thought that, they wouldn’t string you along like that.
Even if she truly was in an abusive relationship, that means that she should NOT be dating someone else right now. She’s either someone who monkey-branches from relationship to relationship and cheats in these phases, or she’s been through some pretty heavy stuff and should not cling to the next best person who’s showing her affection and care.
She needs therapy regardless of which one is true/more suitable to her situation.
Either way, I’d call it quits and tell her that you can support her as a friend from a distance, but you’re not willing to risk either scenario and she needs to help herself and build up her own self-esteem and feelings of security before she can venture out again into the dating world.
You already see what she offers sooo where is the confusion?
Echoing a lot of the comments here. My ex wanted to cheat on her ex with me, I wouldn’t let her because I don’t agree with it. I got together with her in the end once she had left her boyfriend and she promised me she would never do anything like that to me etc..
Fast forward 3.5yrs and she cheated twice. Ultimately you are gonna do what you’re gonna do – but don’t make the same mistake that I did thinking ‘Oh they wouldn’t do it to me, they’ve learned their lesson etc..’ – They haven’t. Run for the hills please, you cannot change someone line this unless they address whatever issues they have in the first place.
No. Reddit loves their cute little simple phrases (my favorite is “you lose them how you get them”—I’m not entirely sure what kind of odd necromancy they’re into, given that some people lose their SOs to death, but I digress), but it’s not always so simple.
She’s already lied to you about being the other man, you think she isn’t gona lie to you about other-other men?
That, and I’m sure the other-other men will be getting the same lines about you, how you are controlling and won’t let her break up with you, how you want sex every night, etc…
Yeah, you’re also just the rebound.
Toxic relationship was an excuse. Could have left, found herself, then begin with you.
In general, a cheater will find a dozen reasons to cheat. So, yeah, expect the same to happen to you…
I’d walk away – there is a lot of baggage there and you are already starting out with trust issues. First, she is controlling the narrative on her previous relationship. She could have said at any point she was dating someone else. Second, if what she said isn’t true, what is she going to tell others about you down the road? Simple risk vs reward analysis says move on from this girl.