Wife and I have been together for a decade, and have been through heavy shit. She survived rapidly spreading cancer, a Near-death experience with COVID for me and a military career that left me with severe PTSD.
We both see the same therapist for separate issues — her dealing w cancer, me dealing with my PTSD, but it obviously overlaps and occasionally we’ll have couples sessions together.
For about 2 years, I’ve been contemplating how pitch the idea of opening our marriage. She still has severe scar tissue issues and I essentially didn’t get touched or hugged for a year —> i didn’t realize this wasn’t normal until I had a suicidal ideation. That sparked my (our) therapy journey.
I realized I needed to proactively assert my needs — despite whatever reservations I might have felt (it feels weird telling your wife with cancer you need sex). I’ve frequented strip clubs on a quarterly basis to get lap dances because she (my wife) was very reluctant (and later recanted) her willingness to enter into an open marriage.
I finally had an “ah ha” moment the other night and read a posting where someone had the idea of showing your wife how beautiful she is — by having other men compliment her; not just her horny husband.
I made a few postings and of course that made her horny and it actually helped us romantically.
That being said, I don’t think I want a divorce. I want more intimacy — regardless of who it comes from. She’s my best friend and my child means everything to me. I could not live without them.
Have you guys ever been stuck at this cross roads and been unsure about how to proceed? I sound very shallow but literally the only things that bring me true joy are being with her and my child and sex/intimacy. Everything else feels very “gray” and non-exciting.
Thoughts?
6 comments
Two books helped me out of my lost wandering
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
7 Principles to Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
I was until recently and my wife also went through cancer. During that time I simply set sex aside. There’s just no way I was going to make that a priority.
I think you need to decide if you want to improve your relationship with your wife or not.
Regarding your PTSD, I strongly encourage you to look into the success former soldiers have had with psychedelics. With just a single treatment many are cured of PTSD entirely. Do some searching on that.
I have been in a similar place with my wife (her recent lack of intimacy & low libido) for the last 6 months or so. In her case it’s almost certainly caused by one of the 3 psych meds that she’s on. I’m confident that it can be fixed, but it’s complicated by her not thinking it’s a problem. We’ve been together for 38 years and this is a bolt out of the blue. I’m sure that she will get going with the shrink in the next few weeks since I informed her that it is indeed a critical problem for our relationship.
you come across as a very selfish man. Putting your intimacy needs before your wife. She has cancer and will be delicate her phycoal health needs to be there for intimacy and it seems like u are not bothered about that just bothered about sex and where u get it from.
Ok I am going to give advice based on an assumption. If Im wrong feel free to let me know. I had a slowly declining sex life with my wife for a bit and to cut to the chase one realization on my part helped alot. I realized I did not crave sex or even affectation. I craved desire. I simply wanted to be wanted even if she couldn’t physically act on it. I think you may feel the same way.
We talked and this realization helped alot. She began verbally reassuring me she did want me and there were alot of “but XYZ” at the ends. However it really helped to focus on her knowing I needed to be wanted. Then it slowly helped because those XYZ issues became things we could acknowledge and work on.
I dont have a cure all for this situation but focusing on being extremely clear that you need to feel wanted or the relationship hurts you more than it helps can be a game changer.
Do you carry/hug your child? Could you get a dog or cat to pat and cuddle? Can you visit a massage therapist regularly?
If touch is important in a relationship for you, please make a list of anything your wife could do. Kisses, hand holding, handjobs, etc – there must be some things she can do to help you feel loved, which would still be comfortable for her to do?