I’ll start by saying that I love my sister very much, even though we have never been very close. Something that’s always caused tension between us is that she can be quite a jealous and insecure person, and is always comparing herself and her life to others, particularly me. She has in the past frequently expressed jealousy over my appearance, weight, career, friends, travels, etc. The one aspect of our lives that she’s always felt ‘superior’ to me over is our love lives. I have had really bad luck when it comes to love, I had one relationship that was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive, and as a result dating has been quite hard for me and I have a difficult time trusting men. I was single for years. Meanwhile she had been with the same guy for eight years, and was always talking about how great and stable he was, all the gifts he would give her etc.
In 2017 I met my partner. We instantly connected on a level I’d never experienced before, and after many months of being “just friends” and getting closer and closer in the name of platonic friendship, we eventually told each other how we really felt and began dating. I cannot express enough how much I love this man: he makes me feel adored, safe, supported and appreciated. He’s witty and smart and hilarious and gentle and sexy. We moved in together in 2019 and life has been blissful.
Also in 2019 my sister fell pregnant. Her partner told her he was getting ready to propose, however about five months after the birth of my niece he decided he didn’t want to be with my sister anymore and left. This was very traumatic for my sister, especially since this was around the time COVID was kicking off and lockdowns were being announced, and all of a sudden she was facing being a single mum. Thankfully she lived close to my parents and was able to form a bubble with their household, so she had their support, and when lockdowns eased my boyfriend and I would help out whenever we could.
It’s been incredible watching my niece (F3) grow up, and it’s been lovely watching my boyfriend be so good with her. He has four nephews so he knows how to be a fun uncle, play with kids and talk to them etc. This is where the weirdness started. It began with my sister making constant comments about how good my boyfriend is with kids. I would agree with her, but then she’d make digs about how it’s such a shame he’s with someone who wants to be childfree (aka me) and it’s such a waste of a good man. That he was born to be a dad etc. Soon she would start sighing about how my boyfriend is perfect and how she needs to find another him. Again, I would agree because IMO he really is the perfect package and I would love for my sister to find someone as great as him. But it soon became evident she doesn’t want someone like him. She just wants him.
She began saying he was the main male figure in her daughter’s life, and that he was the closest thing my niece had to a father. When my niece started talking and familiarising herself with our “roles” she would call him uncle, but then all of a sudden she started calling him daddy. I would always gently correct her and say “no darling, that’s your uncle” but one time my sister heard this and she yelled at me for correcting her daughter and said I need to leave it alone, that it doesn’t matter if she calls my boyfriend daddy. This is when I got really uncomfortable and put my foot down, and told her she needed to stop confusing her daughter and stop allowing here to think my boyfriend is her daddy. I feel like my sister knows that letting my niece call my boyfriend daddy is only going to confuse her, but I also feel like she doesn’t care because she likes to pretend my boyfriend IS the daddy. After that fight things got quite tense between us and my sister started snapping at me over everything I did (while still mooning over my partner and telling him how amazing he is). A few times my partner had to stick up for me and tell my sister not to speak to me like that in our house, which always bruised her.
Things hit a boiling point last weekend. She asked us to babysit my niece for a couple of hours while she gets her hair trimmed. This wasn’t ideal, as my boyfriend was doing something that required a lot of concentration and quiet that morning, plus we had an engagement later that afternoon, so I reluctantly agreed but explained to my sister that we needed to leave at a certain time so she really had to be back by then. (My sister is VERY disrespectful of other people’s time and has no regard for other people’s lives, it’s always all about her). I took my niece to the park to let my boyfriend have some peace and quiet, we played for a while then sat and had a coffee and babyccino at my local cafe before eventually returning home. I expected my sister to be returning soon too as agreed, but she was a no-show. Time is ticking, my boyfriend and I really need to get going, I’m ringing my sister and she’s not answering. I’m stressed. Then all of a sudden she turns up, 40 odd minutes late. I’m pissed but I don’t even have time to get into it with her, so I just start to say goodbye to my niece. That’s when my sister noticed what she insisted was mold on my niece’s shoes. She asked (or yelled) at me if I let her walk in puddles, I said she may have accidentally stepped in a puddle while at the park, but she wasn’t jumping in them. My sister then started ranting like a lunatic at me that I was not to let her go in puddles without gumboots, and that because of my thoughtlessness the shoes are now moldy. I said that’s not how mold works, it doesn’t grow after three hours, it can’t be mold. Or if it is mold, it isn’t there because of me. MOLD DOES NOT GROW IN THREE HOURS. But my sister can’t be told. She screamed at me, called me thoughtless and an idiot with no common sense or maternal instincts. I stepped outside during this argument and told her she was acting appallingly in front of her daughter. That’s when she closed the back door on me and locked it, locking me out of the house. MY house.
I banged and demanded she unlock the door, she said “not until you calm down and I feel it’s safe for you to be around my daughter”. I was so disgusted at her audacity. How dare she lock me out of my own home?! I went around to the front door but she had locked that too. Luckily I had my phone in my pocket, so I rang my boyfriend and told him to let me in because she had locked me out of the house. He was upstairs and had no idea any of this had happened. When he opened the door for me, I have never seen him look so angry in my life. He was furious, but he kept his cool and calmly but firmly told my sister to get out, that he was sick of her being so disrespectful to me when I bend over backwards trying to help her, and that she was no longer welcome under this roof until she apologised to me. She scoffed and said “that’s never going to happen” then she left.
It’s been a few days and since then she has been blowing up my boyfriend’s phones with texts. He’s shown them all to me. In them, she apologises to him (not to me though), saying she’s stressed out being a single mum and that she gets no support from her family, the only support she has is him. My boyfriend replied saying that the only time he is around her or my niece is when I’m there too, so her saying that is proof that she does not appreciate or see the amount of support I give her. My sister replied saying it’s not the same because I’m not a maternal person and would never be a good mother so I “don’t get it” like he does. Then she sent message after message, each more insane and inappropriate than the last, saying she wishes he was my niece’s father, that he’s everything she’s ever wanted in a man, that they would make such a good team, that she is more compatible for him than I am, and that it breaks her heart every day she sees him wasting his life with me. There were also texts where she talked about how great he looks and smells. My boyfriend replied with “This is not appropriate nor appreciated. I’m not comfortable receiving these messages and ask you please not contact me again until you have resolved things with (me).” Then he blocked her.
I’m just at a loss on where to go from here. I love my niece so much and want to be in her life. I’m worried about my sister, I can see she’s struggling, and I want to help her but this situation has become so toxic. Nothing I do is good enough. I’m tired of being screamed at for everything I do wrong and being told I don’t have good maternal instincts, when others who have seen me with my niece tell me I’m doing a great job. I may not want to be a mother but I do want to be an aunt, and it hurts my feelings to have everything I try to do for my sister get dismissed. Then there’s my sister’s feelings towards my boyfriend, which at this point feels like a fucking obsession. I feel like both he and I have been disrespected hugely by her. How do we navigate that? I genuinely have no idea what to do and it hurts my heart. Please help.
TL;DR My sister became a single mum shortly after giving birth to her baby, and since then she has grown an obsession with my boyfriend and a resentment towards me, I don’t know what to do anymore
33 comments
i’m so sorry you have to go through this. Do you have parents you can show evidence of this to? I day show evidence because they may not believe how extreme it is otherwise. Maybe you guys can work together to get her therapy.
Simply cutting off contact may not work at this point. Hopefully it won’t come to this, but please be alert and aware for your own safety.
Holy shit this is mad. Like it’s basically the plot of one of those lifetime movies where your sister slowly transforms herself into your doppelgänger and tries to literally replace you. Super goddamn creepy, very glad to hear your partner has your back on this.
Honestly I don’t even know if there’s any advice to give here if she’s resistant to therapy etc and thinks she’s done nothing wrong (she almost certainly has some kind of personality disorder going on given how she’s acted). The best thing you can probably do is keep an eye out for your niece even from a distance – is the only parent she has is this unstable, it’s pretty likely she won’t have the greatest home life once she starts having her own ideas and opinions. You could think abide insisting on family counselling with your sister as a prerequisite for you OR your partner spending any more time with her or your niece, if there’s a chance it might improve things. But honestly I don’t think your sister will be happy until she feels like she’s “better” than you again, which probably means her getting into another relationship. It sucks that you may have to miss out on time with your niece as a result of this, but her behaviour is just so utterly insane I’m not sure there’s anything else you can do except avoid her.
Until your sister gets her head screwed on straight you go no contact. Surely your parents look after your niece occasionally. You can see her then. If you’re lucky, she’ll become infatuated with someone else soon.
As much as it sucks not being able to see your niece, for your and your boyfriend’s well-being it would probably be best to not have any contact going forward.
Your sister is… sick and in need of therapy asap. You really need to go nc with her and stop putting your bf though this insanity. He is ok with your niece, but if you are both child free, he for sure doesn’t want to be called her daddy. I am furious for you, and for your bf and you need to start protecting him from this fruit cake you call sister.
Cut her off until she recognizes your boundaries, she is not allowed at your house, you will not watch your niece. Advise her to get counseling. If you let her back without that, it is on your head.
I am so sorry to be so blunt, but being nice, compassion, ignoring has not worked. You will have worse issues down the line if you don’t stop it.
You have to think about yourself & your partner atm. Your parents will help out your sister with your niece. But right now your sole priority should be your own life with your man. I’d go no contact from now on with that lunatic of a sister
I know you love your niece, but you cannot keep your sister in your life right now. She is sexually harassing your boyfriend. If this was a man bombarding you with unwelcome messages & behaving in an increasingly aggressive and unhinged manner demanding that you be with him I think maybe you would see this more clearly. It’s dangerous.
Great job on your man shutting shit down sis!
I mean at least you have confirmation that your boyfriend is a hell of a keeper, I can’t think of a way he could have handled it better. Had your back throughout shutdown your sisters text’s perfectly 10/10 partner for once on this sub.
Silver linings and all that.
You actually have no sensible option other than cutting her out of your life.
You may only need to do it for a year or two, but you absolutely cannot permit her to be a destructive force in your life. It’s not an option.
I don’t understand how people cannot cut family out. Blood means nothing. Your sister is a sick and terrible person who resents you and is extremely jealous of you.
Glad to see your BF has your back. For fucks sake end your relationship with her. Yes, I know this means you may not get to see your niece. But that is your shitty sister’s choice she is making by making your life miserable.
My advice is : don’t babysit for her until she agrees to go to a therapist, and never speak to her without a witness present.
Sounds like she depends on (yet somehow completely invalidates) your help with childcare based on the situation you described here. You’ll want to babysit anyway bc you love your niece but it is absolutely in *her* best interest as well that your sister be seen by a therapist ASAP, and imo setting this firm boundary is the best way to do it. She’s not going to see an appeal to reason, she’s obviously not going to be moved by your emotions, but she will feel the lack of childcare quickly. You’ll want good evidence that she actually went and saw a therapist too because at this point you shouldn’t put it past her to do something like forge receipts or have a friend pretend to be a therapist, etc.
Your sister is literally acting like an insane person at this point, and I don’t mean that as an insult but an honest observation from an unbiased third party. Sane people do not do things like this- she is absolutely mentally unwell. I wouldn’t be alone with your niece for awhile either because the escalation from “you let mold grow on her shoes!” to “you physically/sexually abused her!” can happen quicker than you’d think, and you don’t want to be left with no proof against it. Best of luck to you, I hope your sister gets help and you take appropriate actions to keep yourself and your bf safe from her.
Well, kudos to your boyfriend for acting absolutely appropriately and defending you. You are going to need to separate yourself from your sister right now. She is acting inappropriately and disrespectfully. I am afraid she is going to accuse you of something to get you out of the way or try something horrid with your boyfriend. She is insecure and toxic at the moment. She is confusing your niece as to your boyfriend’s role in her life and has no respect for you or your relationship with your boyfriend. Step back and stay away. Never leave her alone with your boyfriend. His feelings matter too. Eventually you will see your niece again but you need to have your sister gain some independence and stop fixating on your man. She needs counseling as her behavior is irrational and I would let your parents know she has acted horribly and until she apologizes to you and corrects her behavior you will be keeping your distance. At a minimum your sister is a narcissist and possibly a sociopath. Look up those two disorders and see if they match her behavior. Your parents can keep an eye on your niece. You need to stay away. Encourage your boyfriend to keep blocking her number.
I encourage you to speak to your therapist about her behavior and if you feel she has traits of a narcissist or sociopath, read books on how to deal with them.Remember, you need to protect your boyfriend as well.
I feel like her getting therapy is needed but won’t happen. IF you rug sweep this for the baby’s sake, she 100% will end up hitting on your bf. Sounds like she is already starting “no one understands but you.” Like there aren’t hundreds of thousands of people going through the same thing. She has just picked YOUR bf to be baby daddy.
To be honest, after she started demanding he be called daddy, you should have stopped her from being around.
It’s time to go no contact until your sister gets help. I know you love your niece, but at this point the relationship is doing everyone more harm than good.
Time to put sis on an immediate time out, and to cut her off from any and all of your support.
Then, talk to your BF and decide what you’d like your relationship with your sister/niece to look like moving forward. Set your boundaries together on what is acceptable behaviour from your sister, and the consequences if she doesn’t abide by them.
It’s really all you can do, as you can only control your own actions. Be prepared that your sister will use your niece as a pawn to guilt and manipulate (I’m confident she’s already established this dynamic), and stand strong. Unfortunately, standing up to her will probably have a negative impact on your niece – do remember that it is not your fault, but the result of your sister’s behaviour and choices. Good luck.
Your sister doesn’t care for you the way you do for her. If your bf actually wanted her, she would drop you in a heartbeat. Doesn’t matter if you were crushed and heartbroken because she got what she wanted.
This isn’t a safe situation for you, your bf, or even your niece. She needs help. And until she finds the strength to get it, you should stay away or at the least your bf, because he’s the source of her obsession.
It’s clear you love your sister and your niece. I hope she gets the help she needs.
She may have issues around unhealthy attachment, and though you and your partner are very solid, your contact with her may put him in compromising positions.
He has a clear boundary, and she appears disinterested in respecting them. It’s unfortunate that you may have to deprioritize your relationship with her children, but distance would be advisable.
Discuss this strategy with your partner and see if would agree to going NC with her for the next while.
This may also involve not being available should an emergency occur with the children. She may use her children to manipulate people around her, and that is a whole other concern in itself.
It’s tough with family, but often they can would us the most as they are the closest.
Good luck.
As much as you love your niece this is not healthy for anyone. Go no contact with your sister and pray your parents can convince her to go to counselling.
And make sure your bf never contacts her again. Once she really gets the dream is dead, she will likely go vindictive and who knows what she’d accuse him of.
Your sister has got to be one of the most toxic individuals that I have read about here. Even worse is that she walks ALL over you and rubs her heels on you and YOU let her do it. Seriously, this needs to stop. Being wishy washy and allowing her to keep smacking you in the face all the time is not working. The more you cower to her, the more badly and toxic she knows she can treat you.
I am recommending you going to counseling so you can work on why it is, you keep tolerating this kind of treatment and do not set a firm boundary and strict consequences if she breaks them. Hats off to your boyfriend for finally making her face a consequence. Now it’s your turn to learn how to do the same.
So I think you need to get your parents involved and then you need to go no contact for awhile. I know that will be so hard because you love your niece, but you being around your sister is clearly triggering stuff for her, and so it is better if you take a step back and have your parents step in to support your sister/ask her to seek help.
Then, if you do have any contact with your sister/niece, your boyfriend should not be involved. Have dinner with your sister and niece at her home, or at your parents, but never with your boyfriend there. I know the holidays are coming up, but even then, no contact with the boyfriend and it might make things weird or hard, but it isn’t forever, just until things improve. For example, if you celebrate Christmas, you and your boyfriend can see your parents on Christmas Eve, and then you could open presents with your niece and sister and parents but your boyfriend doesn’t come to that, then you join your boyfriend for other stuff that day (so only being apart for 2 hours or so).
Your boyfriend should keep her blocked and the two of you should agree that any communication he receives from her (like on a social media or a burner account) he shares with you so that you both feel like you are always on the same page and sharing information. You should get a security camera for your front door and make sure she doesn’t have a key, and talk to your parents about respecting your boundaries here.
Your sister needs help, and you and your boyfriend cannot help her at this stage. She is obsessed with your boyfriend and sees you as standing in the way of her happiness and being unworthy. None of that is your fault, but you have to remove yourself- and your boyfriend- entirely from her life and let her and your parents deal with her struggles.
Holy shit don’t let this woman ever back into your home again.
What a nutcase.
Go LC or NC right away, and make sure your bf keeps those boundaries up.
I think going no contact for a while is necessary, specially to make sure that stomping your boundaries and sending lewd messages to your boyfriend has consequences for her. She has become like this because there might be an enabler at home (maybe one of your parents). But you need to put your foot down for this.
Woof. I would not only go NC but also put all your (you and your bf) social media on private. I’m glad your bf is supportive, I worried when you didn’t really give his perspective in the post. Being close to your niece will cost you your relationships. Your sister is practically harassing your boyfriend while lashing out at you. You should also make it clear to your parents about your boundaries and collect all the evidence of your sister acting like this.
I’m just curious where you and your sisters parents stand? If they don’t know, you need to share all this information with them, texts and all.
Your sister will only change if she’s held accountable for her actions and it sounds like she needs support to get by so she can’t just shut everyone out.
Also kudos to you’re boyfriend and his loyalty to you, that’s exactly how it should be.
I think it’s important as you move forward to call her out on her shit, especially in regards to her weird possessiveness for YOUR boyfriend, that you see what she’s doing and it’s inappropriate and childish. Her shitty situation is not your fault or your problem. You love your niece and holding your sister accountable and giving her a reality check will help your neice long term. She’s setting a bad example for her daughter and behaving eradicly.
I hope you all can eventually come together and get on the other side of this, healed and stronger for it.
Your sister is such a nut job, she’s literally forcing amazing people out of her daughters life, the opposite of what you think a mother would actually do. It’s so sad.
So sorry that this is happening to you, it reminded me of this [AITA post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t3oah4/aita_for_telling_my_sister_to_stop_acting_as_if/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) about this exact situation. Unfortunately sisters ridiculous behavior will not change over night or with one swift action. She may escalate the issue by weaponizing your relationship with your niece to get back at you or you may be forced to go low contact or no contact for awhile. However presenting as a united front with your bf is a step in the right direction, if your able to have your parents vocalize their disapproval of her behavior to her directly, it may help her realize her behavior is not supported or appreciated by anyone involved and get her at least thinking about therapy. She really needs to get to the roots of her jealous and competitive nature if she’s going to come out of this with you still in her life.
Cut her off completely. Start writing letters to your niece or set up an email account for her that you send emails, pictures, etc.
Eventually your sister is going to drive your niece away. Then you can share these with her. It may help build a relationship in the future.
She’s getting into bunny boiler territory. You need to cut contact with her and get security cameras if you don’t already have them. The fact that she locked you out of your own house shows she is escalating. Don’t take this lightly.
Your sister is abusive and deeply mentally unwell. You need to tell your parents what she is doing. I know it will hurt you but you need to go NC. You are getting abused your sister and it keeps escalating. You are desperate for a relationship with your niece even though it comes with the abuse of your narcissistic, selfish, entitled, disrespectful, ungrateful sister. She is obsessed with your boyfriend and is harassing him and trying to manipulate him into being with her. You would be sabotaging your relationship, your mental health and wellness if you let your sister back in your life because of your need to see your niece.
This whole situation is toxic and potentially dangerous for you and your boyfriend. I know you love your niece but for your own personal safety, you should go no contact with your sister. You can revisit the idea of allowing her back in your life once she’s been in therapy for some time.
Plot twist.
I bet she doesn’t even really want your BF as much as she seems to.
What she wants is what you have and the stability she used to have.
She’s clearly not gotten over her partner leaving and it’s taken her into obsession.