My boyfriend went too far in bed. Last night we were sleeping together and he got very aggressive. While in bed he started choking and smacking me and being very rough. We do usually dirty talk so he misinterpreted my protests as ‘dirty talk’, he only stoped after he bruised my cervix and I started crying. When I went to the hospital because of the pain, I found bruises on my body from his roughness and the nurse even did a check to see if I was the victim of DV because of the bruising. After that embarrassing ordeal Im having a hard time forgiving him. He apologized after defending himself by saying he didn’t know I didn’t like it, but I never asked for it. But he scared me, he hit and chocked me hard and didn’t have the ability to see I was distressed and in pain. I know its an accident but it was scary.
24 comments
Nope. He knows what he did and him getting defensive shows it. You NEVER go that far in bed without bringing it up beforehand.
I have done rough play like that and have never ever been bruised from it, so he was going extremely hard. This is definitely SA.
I always try to see the other side of things but from your post, I can’t imagine that he didn’t realise he’s hurting you. ‘No, stop, it hurts’ and your visible struggle, added to, you haven’t done sex this rough before, there is no way he mistook it for dirty talk. I think you are trying to convince yourself you weren’t just assulted by your partner and would prefer to believe he didn’t know it hurt.
Unless you tell us that you do have very rough sex often, or you’ve entrusted him with a fantasy that you want to be mishandled, I can’t agree that it was in any way an accident, stupidity or misunderstanding. Regardless it was not your fault and it was wrong, I’m just talking about his intentions.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. I think your fear is justified. I’d advise you to listen to your gut and stay away from him or at the very least, if you stay, seriously have a long conversation about boundaries in bed. Everything from an easy safe word that makes him stop whatever he is doing, even if he’s just tickling you, to him asking if it’s okay to put you in certain positions, ask every time before escalating to anything. Just because you requested your bum slapped hard one time, he should check before doing, every, single, time. No excuses, no being carried away, no misunderstanding.
You should choose a safeword, such as “I’m dumping you, get out!”.
you ARE a victim of domestic violence
it wasn’t an “accident”
It wasn’t an accident, and it’s scary and you should leave.
You don’t have to forgive him.
You need to end the relationship and not be alone with him again. You did not ask for or consent to rough sex. He inflicted such physical damage that you had to go to the hospital. This man is very dangerous to you. He didn’t misinteret anything. He knew. He wanted what he wanted and didn’t stop until it occurred to him that he might get in trouble. Especially the choking. That is not something that EVER should be done without express prior consent.
It doesn’t matter if you love him. It doesn’t matter if he says he loves you. Being in love will not save you if he chokes you to death in the future. Many women could attest to this fact if they had managed to leave before their partners killed them.
Please seek counsel from domestic violence services. Do not try to work this out with him. Get your support system in place and get yourself free of this relationship. Do not be alone with him again if there is any way to avoid it and do not have sex with him again.
Once you’re out, do not fall for his crying and begging and whinging. He will do that. Block him and freeze him entirely out of your life.
Don’t kid yourself. He knew exactly what he was doing.
Dirty talk is not the same as choking and hitting. It’s also not the same as you repeatedly asking him to stop. He didn’t misunderstand. He just didn’t care.
OP, it wasn’t an accident. If you had said rough sex is usual for you, I could maybe believe he hurt you by accident. But you were clearly uncomfortable and he never asked your input, he just went ahead with it not caring what you felt. Chocking someone is not something you do without having previously discussed it and, even so, you must pay attention to your partner during the act, as with any other sexual practice.
It’s horrible that he didn’t stop until you were crying and I’m so sorry that you went through that, but please don’t believe his apologies. He did know you weren’t into it, he just didn’t care. You don’t have to and you shouldn’t forgive him; he abused you.
You are a victim of DV. Someone else with much better grip on this than me will doubtless post about how the vast majority of choke victims go on to be killed by their partner. He knew what he was doing. He knew it. No one goes that far by accident. If you take a step back, you can see a bunch of micro-decisions and boundary pushing that got you here. You’ll (most likely) die if you stay. Go.
He hurt you on purpose.
I can’t see any man so clueless he’d just assume you’d like that without asking and just doing it.
Leave him.
Violence furring sex is still violence. Don’t let him pretend he “didn’t know” when you were clearly stating you didn’t want it. Especially if you two didn’t talk about going further and agreed to do so. This is still violence, just because it happened while you two were having sex doesn’t mean he has an excuse.
You are being manipulated. That behavior is a part of him and it will happen again if you stay.
If he is this violent, you should have someone else with you when you break up with him. He could really hurt you. He sounds insane. I’m very very sorry and I hope you get out and find peace and happiness.
I don’t think it was an accident. I think he wanted to see how far he could push you. I don’t think I could ever trust someone ever that. That’s not okay.
How was this an accident? Just how?
He assaulted you. He never asked for your consent.
This might get worse. Get away from this AH.
It was not an accident. It was rape. If you haven’t expressly asked to be choked or smacked, that isn’t something you try in the heat of the moment. STOP RATIONALIZING HIS BEHAVIOR and leave. Quick. This will not get better it will only get worse.
Didn’t have the ability to see that you are distressed???? Girl come one don’t lie to yourself.. dude didn’t give a single fuck about you at that time only wanted to bust his jut no matter what happened to you … learn to respect yourself more and to demand respect from others
What the fuck? He smacked you without prior concern and “didn’t know you didn’t like it”? That is complete bs. That’s a valid excuse for going at a faster pace than preferred but not for hitting someone during sex.
Edit: I think it goes without saying that i don’t think this was an accident and it doesn’t seem anyone else believes that either.
If he thought it was “dirty talk” he should have stopped and said “hey babe I just wanted to make sure that you’re role playing right now”. There is no excuse to ignore you asking him to stop. If you guys had previously discussed that type of dirt talk then you’d need safe words. Without that no means no and stop means stop.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you and I’m so happy that you got checked out. You deserve so much better. Even if it wasn’t malicious / an accident (which I reallllly doubt) it still shows him to be selfish and not caring.
>I know its an accident but it was scary.
I’m sorry, but which part of that was an accident?
***It wasn’t an accident.***
Account suspended … I wonder, as I always do, if this was a real post.
**Op, one thing about bdsm and kink/fetish peoples is that they all have a big thing about CONSENT**
He didn’t ask. He didn’t check with you.
Op, he did assault you and you need to press charges. If you are up to that. At the very least you need to get out of that relationship and away from him.
Edit to add. Chocking is the number one sign that he will escalate and possibly kill you. And did you know that you might have been looked over last night but he might have caused further damage to your throat. Please get a follow up.