i’ve been playing with consensual non consent with my new partner and they are seeing it as an opportunity to force me into sex when i’ve said “no, i don’t want to”. the first time it happened, i very clearly defined my boundaries because i was in pain and i didn’t want to sleep with them. they said “what if i take what i want” and then did. i explained that if we haven’t discussed play and i say “no” then that means i don’t want to. it happened again yesterday and now i’m scared that i have introduced this type of play and put myself in a bad position. i feel scared and i can’t have this happen again. my partner has a mental health issue that they said affects their understanding of boundaries and they said they forgot about the last conversation we had when it happened the first time. i don’t know how else to explain that this is a line that they cannot cross. people in my life might take a stark stance about this because they don’t know that my partner has a mental health issue but at the same time maybe they would be right to be harsh in this case. i don’t want to hurt this person but a part of me has lost trust in them. how can i make my boundaries more clear?
14 comments
Restraining order
Ok, I have a feeling I know exactly what you’re talking about.
I am very pro-kink, but the culture requires boundaries and healthy discussions prior to activities. The specific scenario you are working with is like playing with fire so you absolutely need to be smart/safe about it.
He has already broken your boundaries twice, from what I read. You should have not even let it get this far. Cut and run. Mental health issues are not an excuse for the lines he has crossed.
There is a reason why safe words exists, and finding a partner who is experienced into being able to turn on and off the action. If a partner can not stop when the halt signal is given then its not play or an act anymore. This is now real harm territory and should be treated as such.
Absolutely need a safe word. If you speak the safe word and they continue then this is abuse. If you are both new to trying this type of play he really may not understand the rules especially if those rules haven’t been clearly defined. If he has a problem remembering write down the rule list.
Also if he is taking it farther than you are comfortable with and the safe word isn’t respected a swift hit to the nuts should spoil the mood and then you have your answer, he is incapable of being in a relationship.
He didn’t “forget” shit, OP.
He did it because he wanted to and does not give AF about what you want.
I’d dump him, because his behavior will probably just get worse.
And lastly, mental health issues aren’t an excuse for his behavior.
GET OUT this is actually super sad and triggering to read ..
Had an ex like this and felt similar to how you do. Someone said it here already: they didnt forget they just dont care
Nothing about their behavior is okay. Never forget kinks are to be explored with someone you trust and you can communicate well with.
Please please please block thisnperson from your life it wont get better
If they can’t respect boundaries they shouldn’t be in this world.
But if they are, the key is to have a separate safeword than No. Colour codes work great. In fact, they should probably make sure they get a green before they even start.
Edit: re-reading your post, I’m even more sure that they shouldn’t be in this arena.
Leave
I’m sorry that you feel you don’t have people you can talk to in person. I would be happy to connect you with a mental health professional that specializes in pro-kink relationships.
From what I understand it seems as though most people on here have seen the red flare. The bases of any relationship and especially relationships that require deep levels of trust such as these alternative communities is communication. There is a difference in pressured force and power that is voluntarily entrusted. You have attempted to communicate that what he did was not ok. It will take alot of work to get close to the point where you should trust him with this power dynamic again. If he is not willing to jump through a million hoops to prove that he can change than I would worry. It may be helpful to speak with professionals about how to safely enjoy and explore this form of play as you move forward either with this partner or someone else.
Above all else please reach out to a professional to sort through all the complex emotions you feel. Do what is best for you. Protecting and prioritizing another’s wellbeing and happiness is not always the best course. Good luck
Safe words are for exactly this purpose
S A F E W O R D
35 m us.
I’ve been involved in kink for many years and am a big fan of CNC.
BUT… there is still always discussion, consent, safe words, and boundaries! I am sorry you’ve had to experience this even once.
I agree with everyone else, you should end things with This person now! I believe it will only get worse. IF the “mental health” comment is in fact real, then that too should be a red flag for you and is even more dangerous becuase that means they do no understand the boundaries and Likley won’t be able to learn. But I doubt it is real, and was a BS excuse to manipulate you. Witch also is a huge red flag and super dangerous. I wish you luck!
I’m not excusing what he did but why would you play the consensual non consent game with someone who has mental issues which apparently affect his ability to recognise boundaries?
Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Break up over text and tell him if he reaches out again you will press charges, and if he tries to again. File a report and press charges.
This is not okay, remove yourself from the situation.