Feel like the bad guy for getting a vasectomy

45 comments

1. Is she open to a non hormonal IUD? Those are basically bulletproof, and don’t have all of the hormonal side effects. Other than that, I’m not sure what other options you have.

   I do think that a vasectomy at 23 is a terrible decision.

2. I don’t think you should have a vasectomy personally. You sound like you want kids in the future, so you’d be better off finding a different form of birth control now rather than risking not being able to have children later.

3. It sounds like she wants to “accidentally” get pregnant.

   Entirely her choice to not be on birth control.

   It’s also entirely your choice on whether or not you want to have sex with someone that is completely unprotected.

   You’re at an impasse here. Men are (rightfully) expected to get over whatever hang ups they have over condom use because it’s ultimately a safe preventative measure. I would suggest she do the same.

   She’s against birth control, she’s against condoms, and she’s against you taking control over your own reproductive health by getting a vasectomy. There is really only one thing she can be “for” here.

4. What the hell does “a previous version of you” mean? That literally makes zero sense and maybe she should go with you to a urologist appointment.

   Vasectomy should also not be used as temporary birth control because..shit happens..you may not be able to be reversed and the frozen ones may go bad (loss of cold, poor handling, etc)

   How about her getting an IUD? There are other options besides Depo, Vasectomy, and Condoms.

5. If you want biological kids in the future, a vasectomy is not a good option.

   I’d sit her down and look at every single available method to see if the two of you find anything she’s okay with. If she isn’t happy with anything, then I would not continue to have sex with someone who is against every single form of temporary contraception.

6. No, you are not out of line.
   She’s realized that with the snip snip she’s not going to have an advantage in the relationship.

7. So suppose you decide not to get the vasectomy. What contraception options does she suggest? Because it sounds like she’s not bringing any other options to the table.

   If she suggests pullout, run.

8. I’m so proud of you man, that has to be the most mature and responsible thing I’ve seen a guy on here say since I joined in June 2022.

   You do what is right for you always, and if she has a problem with that, RUN for the hills, trust me, most women would be jumping with joy if their fella was willing to do what you are thinking of doing.

   You got my vote 100%

9. I don’t know where you live, but it’s not where I live obviously. No urologist here would touch giving you a vasectomy at your age with a 10′ pole. My husband had one this year, he’s 41, and his doctor questioned whether he was 100% sure on no kids, whether I was 100% on board with this plan. It seems like she’s wanting kids, but not saying that. If you don’t want kids any time soon you should have a more serious discussion about what you are BOTH comfortable with as far as birth control goes. If you can’t come up with a compromise for this, then you probably won’t be able to compromise when it comes to parenting this inevitable little one so it might be best to part ways.

10. It sounds to me like she’s pissed because she can’t “accidentally” get pregnant with you. You’re doing exactly the right thing. I’m biased because I did the same thing, but a few years later than you, and I regret that delay.

    Her behavior is a red flag to me. I would watch it closely going forward.

    Congratulations and best of luck.

11. Lol she just wants you to get her pregnant. And you taking things into your own hands to prevent that is pissing her off. And there’s also no, “previous version” of you. Your dna will not change in a couple of years 😂

12. So she got off BC to “take back control” of her body… and is now trying to control what you do with yours?

    Maybe she’s trying to “trap” you or control you, maybe she’s just a selfish person who doesn’t respect the boundaries of others. But either way that’s a massive red flag.

13. You are playing with fire dude. She got baby fever.
    Birth control is something every couple needs to be in alignment. Otherwise you guys have compatibility and trust issues.

14. I’m 27F. I don’t want to take BC/had a bad experience of it really fucking with my mental health, so I don’t and am currently not comfortable with anything that stays in my system/is placed. So I choose another form of BC. Skyn condoms is all I use, and I either let someone know beforehand or I have my own. Sometimes, I say I’d like to “see” him finish on me, partly from enjoyment and partly for my own peace of mind so that I know he didn’t finish inside me in the condom. Pregnancy scares the shit out of me/I don’t intend to get pregnant anytime soon, so I choose a method of BC that works for me and I am vigilant about such things.

    Would I love to not use condoms, heck yeah. But you can’t have it all lol She’s shot down all options of BC, therefore, her actions are sounding like she wants to get pregnant. I would pay attention to that, it’s a complete red flag.

    I’ve had men who had objections to BC…turns out they had breeding fetishes, only, accidental baby would’ve been fine with them. So. Yeah. Be careful lol And don’t make any decisions about your fertility based on a partner tbh Like if you wouldn’t get a vasectomy if you were not with her, don’t do it now.

15. Hi. I would love could tell you other answer but they are a lot of red flags.
    I understand she doesn’t want hormonal things but the logic on one couple is looking the best for BOTH and here it doesn’t happen.

    I don’t understand what is she thinking about but I would be careful.
    In my view you are very young to make yourself a vasectomy : life changes continuously.

    If on this kind of decision she has all the control and she is able to make you make a vasectomy, i can’t imagine what would happen on the future IF you go on together.

    None has thought on this option? I know when one is fall in love is hard think about it, but this things happens and the best if it does is they are the less damage possible for both.

    The best option i see? Take some free time to the relationship and see what happens.

    I am sorry but sometimes one must use the head although it sounds cold.

    Good luck!

16. What about spermicide gels?

17. OP do NOT get the procedure.

    I don’t know what it is but something’s up with her. She can’t stand a condom? Sucks for her.

    Hate to bring this up but y’all might not be together in a few years and then you can’t have kids without paying thousands.

    Use a condom. She’ll deal with it. We have to when THEY ask us

18. I would run, very fast…….

19. What about a female condom and spermicide? Are there literally no other birth control options for you two besides you getting a surgery and having these huge expenses and pain? Id really think long and hard about this. What if you two dont stay together long term?

20. Your body, your choice. Same with her

21. She wants a baby…

    Doesn’t sound like you are ready…

22. I came off birth control, tracked my cycle, knew when it was safe…..I have a 2 yr old now. Luckily everything fell into place and we’re very happy but that’s not always the case and definitely was the biggest shock I’ve ever had. I went back on bc within days of giving birth

23. If you plan on reversing it then you’re getting a vasectomy for the wrong reasons in my opinion. Just use condoms or other birth control.

24. So different situation here but might offer some different perspective. My husband and I have been married almost 12 years and we have 4 kids. The last labor didn’t go great and my youngest was affected. We have no desires to have more children. I cannot use birth control of any sort cause it makes me crazy and implants aren’t for me. We both hate condoms and I find them uncomfortable/painful. We haven’t had more than a thrust or 2 PIV in 14 months and we both really want to. He wants a vasectomy but I keep disagreeing with it. I’m not trying to baby trap him I’m just struggling with the aspect of allowing him to do this huge thing for our sex life. I also worry that I’ll die and he will want to get married and have more kids and will be fucked. I’ve also had several friends who have Oops babies when vasectomy didn’t work so it makes me nervous. Mostly it’s this feeling of Jesus this guy is going to have surgery so we can have PIV how do I ever repay it. Can’t get pass it in my brain

25. She definitely wanted to “accidentally” get pregnant. You made the right move

26. Setting aside what her personal motivations are here, at no point during this post do you mention if you want to have biological children someday. If the answer isn’t “absolutely not”, then you should NOT get a vasectomy. You can’t count on a reversal working and freezing your sperm shouldn’t be considered reliable either.

    This is a girl you’ve been dating for a YEAR. If this was your wife, who you’d been with for years and you already shared a home with and have other kids with, that would be one thing. Then the two of you would have a clear and long-standing trust with each other and a lot of investment in your relationship. But you’re two young people who haven’t known each other all that long.

    Even if here motives are very genuine and she isn’t trying to get pregnant, you should not try this at all. Many couples out there navigate sex without hormonal birth control just fine, but that’s not what she’s proposing here.

27. Don’t get a freaking vasectomy for a girl you’ve been dating for a year ! That’s a decision you take when you’re child free or done having kids. Reversal are not guaranteed and even with frozen sperms it costs a lot to get pregnant.

    If she refuse all BC and condoms say no to sex. What if you get snipped and you broke up in a month?

28. Vasectomies are not always reversible and reversals have lower success rates over time— and you are young, you may want kids in 10 or 15 years at which point reversal is unlikely to work. Freezing sperm is an ongoing expense plus the expense, inconvenience, and invasiveness of IUI or IVF. Thank goodness these interventions are available for people who need them, but they are not something I would chose if having a baby the old fashioned way is an alternative. None of this is covered by insurance, by the way. I’m all for people doing what they want with their bodies but don’t let yourself get backed into making a permanent decision to solve a temporary problem. You need to sit down and talk about where you both see the relationship going and on what timeline. She may feel ready for a baby now and be using the all natural stuff to sidestep a straightforward, potentially painful discussion (she may not be aware she is doing this, btw. She might be emotionally immature or avoidant or ambivalent rather than manipulative— but the outcome will be the same: parenthood before you are ready.)

29. Listen, don’t get a vasectomy with the hopes of reversal or IVF working. It sounds like you want kids eventually, I wouldn’t be sterilizing yourself just to not wear a condom for a few years.
    But if she isn’t on birth control, condoms are really the best option

30. I don’t need to echo the sentiments that many other commenters are making, it seems you are keenly aware your girlfriend is likely trying to control your body and potentially baby trap you. There are two important questions every single couple should address if they are having sex. First and foremost, do you or do you not want kids? If you are on the fence about it, it is imperative that you waste no time mulling this particular concern over. Because vacillating or hesitating means you might accidentally or prematurely bring a WHOLE ASS LIFE into this world. A real person! Who will be a parasite upon you until you’re dead. Not necessarily saying kids are parasites and evil, the point I am trying to push: people need to take it way more seriously than they do. This isn’t a ‘I’m feeling Chinese for dinner tonight’ kinda whim and yet everyone treats it as so. The second question is: once you’ve decided on whether or not you even want a child, are you prepared to risk bringing one into the world when you aren’t remotely ready? Again this isn’t simply a ‘We’ll figure it out’ situation this is far bigger. If you decide no kids, or no kids yet, be firm in your decision and back it up with appropriate action. Maybe this partner isnt the one you are meant to be with. That’s my $.02. Be smart. And good luck.

31. naaaaaa yea she’s tryna get pregnant like now

32. This is what’s known as a baby trap op.

33. She wants an oops baby

34. Getting a vasectomy at 23 because your current gf is off birth control, really? Life makes a lot of turns

35. I don’t think you should get it done because she don’t want to use protection your to young for that she has baby on the mind and not being honest with you

36. I would strongly advise against vasectomy at your age. Especially if you are simultaneously contemplating future reversal, banking sperm for future use, etc.

    Reversal is a much more serious operation and doesn’t always work.

    I also find the notion of your likening this to “jumping on a grenade” to be troubling.

    I get your wanting to take on the responsibility of birth control, but if condoms are truly off the table, you really don’t have any good, non-permanent options as a male.

    Has your partner considered non-hormonal IUD?

    (Edited to fix an autocorrect fail)

    Also edited to add that I think it’s completely understandable that your partner is uncomfortable with you undergoing this given your ages and the newness of your relationship.

37. Be very careful with her. She’s either very irresponsible or wants to get pregnant. Against bc (fine), Against condoms.. hmmm…

    She’s trying to demean you by calling you a former self. Whatever that means.

    Sounds like she’s trying to trap you with a pregnancy

38. Vasectomies are considered permanent with reversals working a minority of the time. As a person who has had one I would not consider it a good temporary birth control method. It seems pretty lopsided if you go get a surgical procedure done since she “despises” condoms. Think with the big head my man and not the little one.

39. Hey ! I encourage you to think again about a vasectomy. It’s not made to be reversible. I’ve actually worked in a fertility clinic and i’ve seen couple coming with this issue. If it’s your choice , good but it should be a free choice. Also, as a women, if my partner refused to use a condom I would fond that very disrepectful. I’m surprised i dont see more comment about that and cant help but think Maybe there is a bit if a double standard. None likes condom but everyone deserves safe sex (that also mean protecting you from unwanted pregnancies). If your partner Can not respect that, i’m not sure they should be your partner. Take Care of yourself !

40. Wtf dude, don’t get a vasectomy, you are 23 yo. Get another girlfriend. If she doesn’t want to take the pill, doesn’t want to use condoms just tell her to get the fuck out of your life.
    She is looking to get pregnant, so if you don’t want that yet… think what u are doing

41. I wouldn’t get it for the sake of one woman who’s knows you might someone else after that that doesn’t mind having children naturally or or on some form of b.c and would.come.off it for pregnancy

42. Sounds like she’s trying to Baby trap you.

43. sounds like shes just trying to get pregnant tbh…

    ​

    time for a serious talk

44. She stopped birth control. She hates condoms. When you even mentioned getting a vasectomy, she got mad. What does all this tell you?

    She wants to get pregnant.

45. Option, get married have and raise children., that’s an option. Leave your hands off her until your ready to have children, that’s an option.