A few weeks ago I asked my gf if she was interested in pegging me. I could tell she was shocked and somewhat turned off. She said she was willing to do it, but her face was saying the opposite. I didn’t want to put her in an uncomfortable situation, so I said it was a silly sex thing, no big deal, we didn’t have to do it. My gf agreed it was silly (ouch) and said she would prefer staying away from my butthole (again, ouch). I was disappointed, not gonna lie, but I respected her decision and moved on.
Since that conversation, I’ve been butt fucking myself at least twice a week with a dildo I bought. My orgasms have been insane. None of this was done in secret. My gf knew what I was doing, and as long as I never did it front of her, she said she was cool with it. However, yesterday she asked me to stop using the dildo because it made her feel insecure. She mentioned a few times when she overheard me moaning in the bathroom. She said it was kind of weird for a guy to get that much pleasure out of putting things in his ass. I didn’t want this situation to set the tone for her upcoming birthday, which is days away, so I promised to stop using the dildo for the time being until we’re both prepared to discuss it again.
Please advise. Do I sacrifice something that brings me great pleasure in order to protect my gf from feeling inadequate or is there another compromise that can satisfy both of us?
31 comments
I don’t think she should be telling you it’s weird that you enjoy this. It may not be her thing and there’s nothing wrong with that but bringing you down for something you enjoy isn’t ok.
>Do I sacrifice something that brings me great pleasure in order to protect my gf from feeling inadequate or is there another compromise that can satisfy both of us?
No. I mean, I wouldn’t stop using a toy that makes you feel good because your girlfriend has misconceptions about the male body.
Look, if she’s jealous of the way you sound when you use your toy, she already has the option of making you make those sounds herself. She didn’t want to take it, fine. But that doesn’t mean you don’t get to have that pleasure in your life. That’s ridiculous.
You dont have to give up what you do in your own time just because she feels insecure.
The easy solution for her to stop feeling inadequate is to open her mind a little more and do it for you and join in.
The harder solution is to explain *why* it feels good. Maybe she just doesn’t understand what a prostate orgasm is? Or that the prostate even feels good? Explain that it doesnt have to be gross and you never expect her to put a finger up there, it can be just toys. Explain that you just wanna be satisfied like how you do your best to satisfy her. Sex is meant to be amazing for both of you, and this is a way it can be for you (not to say it isnt in other ways, but also new things and different things are great!!)
And you can also explain that she doesn’t have to like it either way, but its your alone time and your masturbation and it has literally nothing to do with her. She doesn’t get a say in how you do that. Honestly, either she accepts that you masturbate or she doesn’t, she doesn’t get any more of an opinion then that.
Edit: and dude, shaming you and saying its weird is a dick move. Tell her that too.
Tell her she loses the attitude or youll dump her. her internalized homophobia is her problem and she’s making it yours. Literally everyone’s ass is an erogenous zone, millions of nerve endings back there. Furthermore, she has no right to dictate how you masturbate, ever.
She needs to deal with her bullshit over this. You arent weird, this is totally normal.
I love how you’ve dealt with it until now. The blunt answer is don’t give it up. She can’t have a rulling on what you do on your own time. That’s crazy.
I can agree, though, that if doing it in front of her is off limits, being overheard should also be right?
You can give her the opportunity to voice somethings you can do to bother her a little less.
But be careful not to give the impression she’s allowed to say what’s “too wierd” or not. At the end of the day, for whatever reason, she wishes you didn’t WANT to do it – and that’s simply not gonna happen. This insecurity talk is a half-truth.
Furthermore, try to imagine if you wanted her to stop doing something on her own time because it made you feel insecure. Ask yourself if there’s anything like that that you could possibly ask for and then ask yourself if you think she’d do it.
Behind closed doors you should feel free to smear shit on your face if you want. Who cares if it’s weird. You just gotta doublecheck if it doesn’t smell when you get out.
Good luck. Hope the conversation goes smooth.
Is this a deal breaker for you? Anyone that would call my kinks “silly sex things” or that asked me to stop doing something would end with “This isn’t going to work, we are not compatible, best of luck to you”
Sounds like she’s hinting at the whole “gay” thing. That’s too bad. She’s probably afraid you’re closeted or some stupid shit. Instead of realizing that us guys have a prostate in there, that can give some pretty good pleasure to us when stimulated.
Probably should have a sit down and explain things to her, so she’s not left to assume the worst.
Today it’s a toy, tomorrow it’s you meeting up with female coworkers for after work drinks. Her insecurities are her issue and she should never request you alter your behaviors to accommodate her. It’s a red flag thing imo. If you’re really happy with her otherwise, try to talk it out and all but the way I see it, you’re already compromising by doing it solo instead of with her and I’d point that out to her. I’m personally not into doing butt stuff on guys but I do believe in being GGG and would compromise with my partner if he was into it.
Good for you for temporarily appeasing her for her birthday. But it should be just that, temporary. After the birthday I’d let her know that you aren’t going to stop using it. I think that will create a crossroads, and that’s not your issue. She can be a part of your pleasure or not, but she can’t dictate how you get pleasure. The bigger issue is her misconceptions about masculinity. It’s problematic and I’m afraid that unless she unlearns that, she will look at you differently either way and it’s the beginning of the end.
She will be in for a rude awakening when she realizes that way more men than she thinks like some sort of buttplay.
first they came for the anal dildos… no but really if she’s insecure about that I can only imagine what else is going to be a problem. She’s a bit homophobic too
My ex once caught me jerking off in a very traditional way, she shamed me big time and told me I needed to stop that. Was that a reasonable reaction and request ?
Your gf is most certainly feeling very insecure because you enjoy putting toys in your ass hole. She’s wondering if you’re gay or bi and if you’re going to crave for the real thing with a dude.
You’ve got a lot of talking and explaining to do with her to reassure her. Then, maybe, just maybe she would be willing to participate. A word of advice, don’t start with a harness, it takes a little practice to get it right and there’s the whole dominant aspect that not all women are appreciate. Start with her moving the dildo by hand if inserting a finger grosses her out.
> She said it was kind of weird for a guy to get that much pleasure out of putting things in his ass.
I lol’d when I read that. She has obviously no understanding of history. Or access to hospital records. Or has ever talked to many men. Or been on the internet. Or …. ok, you get the idea. People, regardless of gender, like stuffing stuff in their butt.
But to address your issue: You tell her that you’re sorry she feels that way but it’s your body and since she doesn’t want to participate, then she’ll need to just accept it.
If you keep using it she’ll probably end the relationship eventually.
I would guess that is making you look less masculine to her and she finds that unattractive.
Honestly I think it can be significantly chalked up to a lack of understanding/education. Try educating her on how strong prostate stimulation can be for men. Clearly she just doesn’t understand, it could be a total misconception. There is a very common misconception that only gay men enjoy anal stimulation, which is more poor understanding than homophobia. If she thinks that’s the case, then I can see how she would be insecure and worry that you’re gay! She just doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. If she understands all this and is still averse, that’s when you need to assess the relationship.
Why are you choosing to do that in the bathroom instead of having sex with your gf? Do you initiate sex and is she rejecting you?
She will leave you if you keep it up…that’s my guess
Oh dear. I hate when things like this happen. It sounds very much like a sexual incompatibility issue. The question you need to ask yourself is are you willing to forgo this long term to possibly forever for the sake of this woman. If you are, you have your answer. If not, then you need to let her know this is a hill you are prepared to die on. And be prepared to die on it. Because it could end the relationship.
Jerking off and moaning with your girl in the next room is definitely not normal. At least do it when she’s not around.
She’s young and immature. I’d cut her some slack, especially if she comes from a more sheltered/religious upbringing. But I’d continue communicating openly about it and open the floor to questions. If she’s unable or unwilling to work through the insecurity and potential homophobia, I’d consider moving on.
In the real world (ie not Reddit) it is VERY common for women to get icked out by anal play on men. Only you can decide if it’s worth it. Very likely the next girl will feel the same way though.
If it doesn’t work out with this girl: next time start with hinting that you want a finger during anal. There’s no context here but it sounds like you wanted to jump straight to pegging.
>turned off
>willing to do it, but her face was saying the opposite
>gf agreed it was silly
>she would prefer staying away from my butthole
>as long as I never did it in front of her, she said she was cool with it
>asked me to stop using the dildo because it made her feel insecure
>she said it was kind of weird for a guy to get that much pleasure out of putting things in his ass
Without saying it directly, she’s basically telling you exactly what she thinks of it. She’s disgusted by you and does not accept you or your kinks. She wants you to put your sexuality in the closet and have you both pretend it doesn’t exist.
I think you know this though – there’s a very glaring sexual incompatibility that you’re not willing to admit to.
Seems like its a deal breaker for her, but just not being sexually accepted should literally be a deal breaker for you as well. I think its time for you to pack up this relationship and move on.
It’s a case of you are both in your rights, might not be a compatible relationship. How long did you date before you told her about this? I can see a whole lot of women taken aback, while in others all cool. But I can see this being a divide.
I think she’s wrong to ask you to stop using it and I don’t think you should give up something you enjoy just because it makes her insecure. You’re right, if she wanted to cause you that much pleasure, she could. At the same time, she’s allowed to say no to something that makes her uncomfortable. I think she’s wrong for saying it’s weird for a guy to get that much pleasure out of putting things in his ass because it sounds homophobic and also it doesn’t make sense—your prostate is up there.
However, I do think it’s a little odd that you’re doing it in the bathroom while she’s home and awake. Personally I wouldn’t masturbate in the bathroom while my partner is sitting on the couch or whatever but to each their own I guess.
She feels insecure because she’s probably questioning your masculinity. If she’s not up for it, do it in private without her knowing or find someone else who is more receptive.
She’s just afraid that she’s turning her bf gay
if she isn’t into butt stuff that is completely fine. If you are into butt stuff than also 100% fine.
You talked about it, came to an understanding. Then you fucked yourself with it whilst she was in the house. Wrong move. You should waited until she wasn’t there. That’s pretty rude.
You need to be certain if but stuff is the price of admission to be with you. If you crave it and need it to be a part of your sex life with another person then it would seem you two aren’t sexually compatible.
So every guy in this subreddit puts things in their butt? Not judging, just asking.
No, but word of advice….stop using it while she’s home. She clearly isn’t actually ok with it, but also it’s a little weird you’re good with openly going to town on yourself while your gf is within earshot. Atleast be quieter or just wait till she isn’t home. But no your partner shouldn’t force you to stop using a sex toy, and if she’s insecure about a piece of plastic then she needs therapy
Everyone in here advocating for his rights of putting things in his ass while forgetting that she ALSO has the right to NOT WANT to put things in his ass.
This is just sexual incompatibility, that does not make the GF evil.
Sorry but if someone is masterbating with someone else home, hearing moans is not really great. Can’t you use it when she’s not around or be more discreet?
My guy. Why the fuck do you need to ram yourself in the bathroom with her home within earshot? That would be uncomfortable as hell for most people. Just do it when she’s not home, or keep the volume down… why does this even need to be said?