Alright, let’s try this again like adults, this time without me blaming my wife (which I admit and acknowledge is wrong).
First the facts:
* I admit I am a recovering alcoholic. I have mentioned this in almost every post. Last time I checked this isn’t a only fix your marriage if you have never had an addiction room, it is a marriage discussion room. Yes, I am in recovery through AA for recovery. I can’t afford anything else. Yes, I am improving. Let’s move on
* The porn issue is rather redundant at this point as I haven’t done it since I stopped drinking. Porn use does actually interfere with how someone views women in real life. One of many reasons to quit.
* I have never harmed my child. I am an imperfect but improving Dad.
* My wife loves me. She has told me this. She wants to see growth.
* She is attracted to me physically. That isn’t the problem.
Is it possible to have a mature conversation here without attacking the guy who just so happens to be a recovering alcoholic?
How do you rebuild intimacy in a marriage?
P.S. It is entirely possible that I am just inpatient and we are getting there. I have only been sober about 70 days. Recovery is a long, sometimes arduous process. It is very likely that I simply want to jump to the finish line without doing the work (something people with ADD, and alcoholics both definitely do.)
7 comments
(grabs popcorn)
Oh I bet this will go much differently.
First, you have to make your home a safe place for all of those who reside in it. As you well know, you have to repair past hurts before you can move forward. Making restitution to those you have hurt has to happen before you can consider rebuilding intimacy. I didn’t see the prior post before you removed it but the contempt toward your wife is palpable in the title. If you do not consider your wife and *all* women your equal then intimacy is not a possibility.
All right, I posted a comment that I still stand by in your last post, but in all seriousness I’ll say this:
You don’t get to choose the pace of your wife’s recovery. Yes, her recovery. She’s clearly undergone poor treatment by you for a considerable amount of time, and her process is going to be on a different timeline than yours. You don’t just have to be better from today onwards. You have to make up for everything that’s happened in the past. That’s going to take time and you leaving any expectations of intimacy at the door UNTIL SHE FEELS SAFE AGAIN.
You’ve posted yourself here on Reddit that you’re still struggling with looking at porn, as recently as a week ago. Your recovery will not be successful is your keep lying to yourself and other people.
So, you’ve been sober for 70 days and expect her to have simply “gotten over” all the time you weren’t sober? Yeah, that’s a complete lack of patience.
Men and women approach intimacy very, very differently. Some wives could go a lifetime without intimacy if there is no emotional connection. A lot of men need the physical connection before they’re willing to make that emotional connection. It requires both partners being willing to move forward in ways that they’re not used to and possibly not even “wired” to do.
Forget intimacy as the goal because that could even be a turn OFF for her. If so, that will make things take longer. Focus on improving yourself. Focus on controlling your porn addiction. Focus on being an attentive partner. Focus on being a good dad. Focus on work. Focus on being an ADULT.
Woo-boy.
Congrats on 70 days. Keep it up. AA is a great resource for getting and staying sober. Keep up working your steps.
But my dude, you are still very much in the early stages of recovery. It takes time and consistent changes in behavior over that time to rebuild broken trust and intimacy. The first two years of sobriety can be an utter shit show as you have to face the harm your addiction caused.
You and your wife need counseling. You will need to basically start over with her. That won’t be fixed in 90 days. I’d also encourage your wife to attend some Alanon meetings too. This is a marathon. Not a sprint. Remember that most recovery resources will tell you not to date or get involved for at least a year being sober.
ETA: the reason you are advised to not start a relationship for the first year of sobriety is because you have to learn how to have a healthy relationship with yourself and identify toxic behavior patterns/heal old trauma/and learn impulse control. Chances are you and your wife have well ingrained toxic patterns together you need to unpack and learn how to change.