Right before the pandemic, I left my ex. We lost our baby a few months prior and I wasn’t coping well with it. The pregnancy wasn’t planned, we’d only been together just over a year and engaged for two months when we found out that we were expecting but we were happy about it.
I’d been really unsure about whether I ever wanted to be a mom, but as soon as I even suspected I was pregnant all of my uncertainty completely evaporated and I was glad when found out that I was in fact pregnant. I was really excited about having a baby with my ex, and he loves kids and was really excited about it too. We were so happy and I loved that I was going to be a mommy and I felt my ex was the best father I could’ve hoped for for our baby. We were so excited to meet our child, so losing our baby was very hard.
The up and down rollercoaster of it all just sent me on a downward spiral and all of my hurt and pain was aimed at my ex. I really wanted to try for another baby as soon as possible, but he felt I needed to recover first and wanted to get married before trying again. Obviously his view was the logical one, but when you’re in as much emotional pain as I was at that time, logic goes out the window.
He tried taking me to therapy and he was very patient with me when I lashed out at him, but I just couldn’t cope with how I was feeling and I’d become so ashamed after our fights as I didn’t recognize myself anymore.
So I left him in a really horrible way. I didn’t intend it to be horrible, but I’d tried to leave before and he’d always manage to talk me down from it, so I felt like I had no options. I ended up waiting until he was away for work, packing up all my stuff, blocking him everywhere and leaving. It was a shitty thing to do and I’ve never forgiven myself for that or any of the stuff that preceded it. He’s a really good person and he didn’t deserve it.
We both work in the same industry and we were booked on the same job that started a few weeks ago. I check every job to see if he’s on it because I’m anxious about running into him, so when I saw his name on this one I wanted I quit right away. My friend convinced me not to as it’s a big job, but I’m anxious and upset on a daily basis as I find being around him really difficult.
I do everything to stay out of his way, but it’s still awkward. He approached me when we first started and I told him I didn’t want to talk, but we have to for work and we have to appear normal when other people are around, so I can’t totally ignore him. He has my work number now too so sometimes we have to communicate in the work group chat and I’ll see his texts even when I’m not at work, so I feel that there’s no reprieve right now.
He has a new girlfriend now so I guess he must be over it all, but I feel an unbearable amount of guilt about things still. I also have to accept that I’m not over him and so him being with someone else is very painful. I wasn’t good to him though so I know I have no right to be upset, but I can’t help it.
It was a coworkers birthday so we all went for dinner yesterday. My ex showed up with the new girlfriend which I found really hard to be around. I left early as I just felt like I was on the verge of tears the whole time, and he came outside when I was waiting to get picked up to ask if I wanted him to drive me and I said no.
I got a text from him today asking if we can meet and talk. I really don’t want to. I can’t say what I want to say so there’s no room for an honest conversation. And it sounds stupid, but I want to throw up whenever I think about his girlfriend. I just miss him and I’m upset and hurt and all of those feelings about our baby are back, and I’m scared of going back to that dark place I was in before. I really miss being with him. I’m finding it really hard to cope.
I really want to quit this job. I don’t think it’s worth my sanity, but at the same time it’s a big job that will help me get other big jobs.
What would you do in this position?
TLDR: my ex and I broke up after losing our baby. We’re now working together and I’m finding it difficult. He wants to talk, but I just want to quit. WWYD?
13 comments
I’d text him a reply that included:
” I can’t say what I want to say so there’s no room for an honest conversation.”
What I wish I did, I wish I sat down. Us both apologized on both ends giving each the chance to talk with no interruptions so I could move on. I thought I did when things ended but later on I realized I never did and my emotions became severe heartache. When I messaged to talk so I could move on and get the closure of apologizing it was too late. He was with someone new and not willing to. Meet, and talk in public place keeps everything calm. If you don’t you’ll hurt worse than you do now and hurt for the longest time. I hurt for 6 years sometimes I still hurt even though my life went on from him. I realized I only hurt because of my regrets of not sitting and apologizing and getting the closure I needed.
Sit down and talk even if it’s the hardest thing you ever do. You’ll be regretting this for the next 59yrs otherwise.
I can somewhat relate what you’re going through except my wife had PND and said and did some extremely horrible things and the reason we’re still together was the love I had for her and my desire to stay as a family. Everything is almost back to before except for some guilt and resentment which we’re working through.
You clearly need to speak to someone for your own sake, time can be a healer but a very slow one. Having the talk with him will be a good start, just to alleviate the guilt, get some closure and properly move on with your life. That’s the least you can do for the both of you. You know it, and subconsciously you’re mentally torturing yourself for not doing it.
You’re trying to run away from the issue but you won’t fully heal from it until you deal with it.
Then to speak to a therapist and work through things.
You’re living in way too much shame. It’s going to destroy you. If it doesn’t destroy you, it’ll give you a substance abuse problem and *then* destroy you. If you don’t talk to your ex, you need to talk to someone. You keep running away from everything, but it doesn’t ever feel better because you can’t run from yourself.
I also don’t understand what you can’t say because he has a girlfriend now. You can apologize for leaving how you did (if you’re sorry). You can explain that he’s a good person and didn’t deserve how you left. You can even say you still love him (if you do). ~~I would add that you have no intention of ruining his relationship and you understand he’s moved on.~~ (On second though with the crossed-out part, you’re allowed to not answer every question. You can say “I don’t feel comfortable answering that.”) I would NOT add if you wanted to get back together because it’s not a romcom. Be prepared for him to say that he’s with someone else, that you hurt him too badly, etc.
Running will bring you distance, but it won’t bring you peace.
“I can’t say what I want to say”
You defunitely can.
He clearly has things he wants to say too. Maybe it will help with your guilt of you hear him out.
I’m very sorry for your loss and for the difficult time you’ve had since then. You mention that he tried to get you therapy. Have you been back to therapy since then? Because it seems like you’re still not coping well and could use some support.
I don’t think you should quit the job. You’re in the same industry – you can’t avoid him forever and quit jobs whenever he turns up. You need to talk to him and say all of the unsaid things. But I strongly urge you to work with a therapist, ideally before you talk to him to figure out how to talk to him.
You run from your problems/hardships and I understand why as it’s really painful. But it stays painful mostly because you don’t face those struggles. You run. And you continue running.
You will never heal if you don’t take the time to face what happened and don’t put words on it. You should talk with your ex and probably with a therapist too and put everything out there but nobody can force you. It needs to come from you.
I would meet honestly. I would meet, get everything out and hear him out, and make the decision on what I wanted to do as far as work goes from there.
I’m not going to say that meeting is going to instantly heal all wounds and you’ll run off into the sunset and live happily ever after. But maybe, just maybe, you’ll both feel better. He’ll get to talk to you and maybe you can answer some of his questions – grief is strange, but maybe you’ll help him. Maybe you’ll get to hear that you two can work at the same job without it being super weird – or maybe you’ll see that it’s time to job hunt again.
My grief was over something different, but I do recommend facing this – especially as you have a therapist. You weren’t with this guy a super long time and you ended up having a shared trauma with him. Of course it’s driving you mad! I want to add that I think that you’re handling this as well as anyone could given the situation.
Some may disagree with me but I feel you should at least give him closure and explain to him why you left him the way you did. Running away from your problems isn’t the best, it’s better to fight through them and move past them. I would not bring up you still having feelings towards him or getting back together because to me it sounds like you don’t need to be in a relationship until you work on yourself.
Tell him everything that is on your mind, really, everything.
Just be polite and delicate.
The worst that can happen is you continue to be in the same situation that you are right now.
There’s absolutely nothing to loose if you tell him, so go for it.
As someone said above, REGRET IS FOREVER.
Seems like he’s still trying to reach out to make sure you’re OK but you’re still not OK.
If your company can get someone to replace you at that task, it’s not a bad idea to do so.
However, you do need to seek help . It’s not so much that he’s over you and over the loss of the baby. It’s just that you left him, blocked him, and he had to move on. He may be experiencing his own kind of pain at the loss of both of you, including to see you again, so you’re not the only one who is hurt and struggling right now.
You CAN do this. Be Brave. Do the hard thing. Don’t run away.
You say you’ve regretted how you ended things since it happened. Don’t you think he deserves to hear that?
People who lose a person they deeply love try to put the pieces of their lives back together again. Often that means dating new people. It doesn’t mean they are in love with their new girlfriend/boyfriend the way they were with you. This man was willing to marry you, and try for another baby. Doesn’t he deserve a sit down?
Give both of you the gift of peace. Of not having to check every job listing to see if he is on it. Of not having to run out every time you see each other socially. He obviously still cares about you if he followed you out of the dinner. He offered to drive you home -while his girlfriend was inside-
Don’t live your life full of regrets and what-if’s. Take a chance! You can do this!