I (30f) have been dating my fiance (32m) for about 6 years and engaged for 5 months.
We get along great for the most part and share some nerdy interests. My worry is the religion aspect.
He and I both grew up catholic but I kind of fell out of it with the pedophile scandals and the gay bashing. My fellow on the other hand stuck with through his whole life. He agrees that this religion is flawed but he thinks there’s some good.
Now the issue is that he wants a full traditional catholic wedding and I don’t. I didn’t want to lose him over this, so I agreed. His father is basically taking me to these classes and hanging out with me before classes.
The more I keep going and the times I keep going to mass, it makes more and more difficult for me to like this religion.
I am not sure on what to do. I love him and I don’t want to lose him over this gross idea of how we should live our lives.
Please help.
9 comments
So you left Catholicism because some priests can’t keep their hands to themselves?
You agreed to a full Catholic wedding even though you don’t want it because you didn’t want to lose him over this? If your fiance would break up with you because you didn’t want a Catholic wedding, then he doesn’t respect you at all. You have shown respect for his religion, but he refuses to show respect for your desire not to be Catholic.
If you give in on this, it’s just the beginning. Your kids will be raised Catholic too. You’re going to be locked into performing the rites and rituals of something you don’t believe in for the rest of your life. Is that really what you want?
If he loves you, he’ll compromise on this and allow you to be free of religion if that is your wish. If not, I think you know what needs to happen.
Life is about choices. Your choices and his choices. If the choices dont align it falls apart. Thats life. Accept it.
Bottom line if hes stubborn and wont budge its up to you u to decide whats more important to you. It becomes your decision.
Ps i left catholicism as well. Im agnostic.
I can see how this would be a huge issue for you and possibly you two as a couple. If religion is a core issue for one or both of you and you don’t line up, it could be a deal-breaker.
But don’t assume it will be. Talk to him. Be honest about your concerns. Listen to what he has to say. Discuss it all. Whatever you do, do not assume you know what he knows/thinks and then start making decisions on the basis of the assumptions. Also, don’t hide anything on your side of this issue. Be honest and blunt.
Look, I get not wanting to lose him, but do you want to be a marriage where you’re hiding your feelings on a major topic? Like pretending to enjoy church when it makes you want to rip your eyes out. I’m all for compromising in a marriage, but there’s a limit. you don’t know if you’ve reached that limit if you don’t communicate. However, you may be able to move the limits with some talk.
Also, be honest with yourself. From what you say here, I’m feeling like your conflict might involve some negative feelings you have towards religion that are more pronounced than this post implies. Just a guess, I could be entirely wrong. But if the idea of living and worshipping as a catholic makes your skin crawl or causes a lot of tension between you two, take that as a very serious sign. The sad truth is that you two may be perfect in many ways and not be able to line up on this one. If you can’t work out a compromise that makes you both able to tolerate the situation, you might face rising tension as time goes on.
you might also work this out and living happily ever after.
You don’t know which it will be without talking plainly and honestly about it.
You may not want to lose him but that’s what you need to do. You’ll be glad once you’re free of him, given time. Catholicism is a fucking cancer. I regret getting confirmed.
Is he particularly religious in general or does he just want a traditional wedding?
If it’s just the wedding, I think you two can sit down together and discuss your discomfort as well as potential compromises for what you’d be okay including and what he’d be okay sacrificing. A full Catholic wedding is…a lot, and you two can get married in a church or have some scripture readings without incorporating all the bells and whistles.
If he is very religious in general, that might need to be a larger conversation. Does he expect that religion will be a cornerstone of your marriage/family life? Do you want kids and if so, are you planning to raise them in the church or let them make their own choices about what they do or don’t practice? Does he want you to re-convert? Religious differences are super important to discuss before getting married.
It might be worthwhile to do some (secular) pre-marital counseling to ensure you’re on the same page about what your life looks like together.
Truth is your choice. You have to truthful with him and tell him this is not what you want. Maybe there is a middle ground maybe not. But you can’t start on this path with these kinds feelings not being properly communicated. He has to love you more than he loves a flawed church. If he can’t accept you then I am sad to say you may need to put the brakes in the wedding and work on things. He may chose the church but if he does then he is not the man for you, IMHU.
I’m really confused.
He wants a Catholic wedding, but then he wants a courthouse marriage and then a Catholic wedding later? That just doesn’t make sense.
Unless he thinks it would be easier to get an annulment later if there were no Catholic ceremony. That is the only reason I can think of, and he’s wrong about that.
And what are these classes and why is his father taking you to them?
I would have thought you’d be doing some kind of Pre-Cana/ marriage prep classes—but you would be attending those with your fiancé, not his father.
So I’m wondering if they are RCIA classes and his father is your sponsor, but those classes are for people converting to Catholicism.
You say you were raised Catholic—were you baptized? Made First Communion? Confirmed? Maybe his parish is insisting that you be Confirmed before the wedding?
But again, this insistence on Confirmation doesn’t agree with the mention of a courthouse wedding.
And you can get married in a Catholic service with a Catholic Mass even if one of the couple isn’t Catholic or isn’t baptized.
Something just seems off.
As for Catholic weddings, yes they usually take place during a Mass, which means it will last about an hour. Could be longer depending on the number of readings and hymns you choose.
It is possible to get married without the Mass. Every diocese is going to have different rules about allowing this, so you would need to talk to your priest.
Having an outdoor Catholic ceremonyMass is also possible, but not very likely. You would definitely need to get special permission for that.
But the real issue here is that you don’t want to be a Catholic. And that feeling is growing. And he does. And he probably expects his kids to be brought up Catholic.
Consensus needs to be reached on how much Catholicism will affect your married lives. Is he going to object to birth control, for example? Insist on going to Mass every Sunday? Sending your kids to Religious Education?
The two of you need to have serious discussions about religion before making any other plans. A counselor would help in making sure both sides get heard.
The issue that matters is:
“Are you okay with bringing your kids of as Catholic as he is OR is he okay bring his kids up nonreligious or socially Catholic?”
If you both can agree on that wholeheartedly, then the rest of this should be resolvable. If not, then you’ll want to think hard about the future rift on the horizon (if you plan to have kids).