As background, I come from a white family. My partner (34m) is half Irish, half Hispanic, with a strong love for his Puerto Rican mother and grandmother – but he was born and raised in the US and has no real “roots” except for a few family recipes he hangs on to (by his own admission). That being said, he’s proud of who he is and has experienced ignorance and racism (not sure what the ethnic version is since Hispanic isn’t a race? Sorry.) before.
Last weekend, we agreed to have dinner with my parents. I don’t see my parents often as any relationship with them requires distance for a whole laundry list of reasons. While my dad finished up cooking the main course, my mom set out an appetizer – my parents always make “chips” from tortillas, cutting them into triangles and frying them. They’ve done this my whole life. Out of casual conversation, my mom suddenly asks my partner if using corn tortillas for this is okay. We’re both silent for a few moments as we have no idea why she asked this…it’s not like we eat different tortillas weekly. While we’re a bit more adventurous in eating out than they are, it just seemed like a totally random question. My partner replied that he didn’t really know anything about tortilla types, and my mom said something along the lines of “Well since you’re Puerto Rican and eat them a lot…”
I have no idea where she got this assumption, as we’ve never talked about the kind of meals we make or he and his family make. And even if we did, it was definitely an ethnicity-based assumption that seemed ignorant to both of us. We exchanged a glance and I moved the conversation on (something I unfortunately need to do very regularly…).
I’m not ignorant to the fact that my parents are ignorant and racist, though they like to say things like “But we know black people!” often. It’s part of why I keep my distance, among other things. My partner and I had a crazy few days and then he brought it up and asked me if I thought it was weird. I immediately said yes, and that it made me uncomfortable, and I was betting it made him uncomfortable too. He seemed relieved and admitted it had made him extremely uncomfortable. We discussed how to support each other in these kind of situations in the future (we regularly have game plans with my parents, including code words when one of us is ready to leave) and he asked me how I wanted to handle it.
I told him I’d like to talk to my mom one-on-one and explain why it was inappropriate for her to say things like that, and ask her to be more conscientious in the future. I know that on some level it came from a place of wanting to connect with him and her way of doing that is immediately latching onto someone’s ethnic or racial background. That doesn’t excuse it, but I feel it needs to be addressed. I’ve also been basically training for these convos over the last 7 years (yay therapy).
My partner, however, told me he wasn’t comfortable with me bringing it up with my mom. She has a history of being incredibly dramatic, taking things personally, victimizing herself, etc. Again, I’m basically trained for this now, but I respected his request. I did offer to not mention him or his discomfort at all and present it as just ME having an issue if he’d rather, but he didn’t want me to pursue it.
Now I’m not sure how to handle this. I know my partner is uncomfortable, even if he seemed relieved that we as a couple addressed it with one another. I know it will probably come up again in the future (especially around holidays). I know my mom will never take a hint, but I don’t know what I can do as a solution other than distancing myself even more from my parents. And to be honest, at this point, that would be almost no contact. I personally don’t know if I’m ready for that yet and would rather make a last attempt at addressing issues with her – whether this instance or another that comes up in the future.
But it feels unfair that my partner is uncomfortable, even if he asked me to NOT address this with her in any way. How can I handle this situation?
1 comment
It would be hilarious if you both showed up to the next dinner wearing sombreros 🙂
If your mom makes things about her, he’s right not to want to rehash a past event. In general, people don’t respond well to being told what to not to do.
Instead, clear directions and encouragement on how to behave are better received. Also, speaking good behavior into existence is a thing. You’ll be surprised how often you can loudly assume someone will rise to the occasion, and see them do it.
“I appreciate how hard you’ve worked to become more understanding and tolerant over time. I know it hasn’t been easy but your efforts are noticed! We are excited to see you soon, and are looking forward to normal family time without all the drama I see my friends going through – will you have any of my favorite dessert ready when we see you?”
Something like this will go a long way, especially if you keep finding good things to notice.