I have been talking to a woman for like a month and we got really close over texts, calls & FaceTime and were only able to meet last night cos of schedules. We both wanted the date. We are both femmes, She’s 39, I’m 28, not that any of that matters.

We had a great date, lots of laughter and we were both excited that there was chemistry IRL. Long story short, the bill came and she just looked away and kept talking about something random. Now I was okay to pay my part or even ask to split but I was so disappointed that she didn’t do the usual cheque dance. And I didn’t want to ask her cos it was really awkward.

The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. She also did not say thank you, or oh no let’s split. She only said thank you when she called me on the phone and said I was awesome for buying her dinner. Honestly like her, and she wants a second date, but I feel like she should have offered to pay for her own meal.

My friends think its a Red Flag, and that she’s older and should have known better. Normally I split the bill, but since she didn’t offer, I had to pay $139 for dinner plus tip, which really sucks. She has been texting me as normal but I am so shocked. Not upset, just shocked at this point. Can’t talk about it with her, so I need some clarity! I only started dating again after 5 years in a relationship. Any thoughts?

P.S. Thanks to everyone for the comments. No I did not ask her out. She suggested we met but I did reschedule. Yeah I should have asked to split but her behaviour was stunning. There was no acknowledgement, it was like the waiter was a ghost. Again, thanks. She sounds excited and she’ s making all these suggestions for our next date, but I have not been very responsive. I think I’m going to take a step back.

44 comments

  1. Ok look, everybody doesn’t have the same rules and regulations when it comes to dating or friendships or relationships. Thats why it’s always complicated. You being afraid to tell her how you really feel is already starting off the relationship wearing a mask. Thinking “i can’t talk about it with her” honestly doesn’t even make sense. Only you and her will be in the relationship, so only you and her opinions matter. You cant expect anyone else to teach you how to deal with her or explain why she did that. Only she knows. So stop making it complicated. Choose the situation being awkward and genuine instead of comfortable but fake

  2. The person who asks the other one out should typically pay in my view. So who asked who out? And who chose such an expensive establishment?

    To go out for a dinner that costs $139 is a pretty lavish first date unless you’re very wealthy. It would be completely outside my budget that’s for sure. I wouldn’t even be able to pay my half, so if someone dragged me into such an expensive date I would not be able to pay even if I wanted to.

  4. My first thought is that clear communication is under rated. Many people fear awkwardness and healthy relationships get over that fast. The first attempt at clear communication would have been when the check came you day to her, so how do you typically handle a check on the first date. Your second chance is right now. Literally text her saying, hey about the check last date.

    My second thought is that she is going to expect alot more of this and is setting the tone for the future. Especially because she is older, I believe she knows exactly what she is doing.

    Speak up now in a friendly way. If she gives you attitude, then she is most likely the manipulative type. It’s better to see this early on. So dont dodge the conversation.

    My third thought is maybe she is looking for her partners to be the bread winners and she can be the stay at home. By not even flinching to pay a portion of the bill she is letting you know her role

  5. We both agreed on the place and it wasn’t an expensive place to be fair. She ordered a steak, appetizer , dessert and wine . I went on the date with hopes of paying my way

  7. I don’t buy the “shit” that whoever asks out should pay…it is my feeling that the tab should be shouldered by both as an act of goodwill… After all, both parties are in the same boat. No one knows what will come of this date if anything…

  9. If she’s that much older than you I would think it’s okay to expect enough maturity to have the conversation. You probably shouldn’t bring up what’s already happened but make the next date cheaper and take an opportunity to discuss expectations early on. People underestimate how important it is to be honest and to have a partner than can reciprocate early

  10. I seriously don’t get how people can go to dinner somewhere and not have an inkling of asking to pay their part.

    Sounds like an awful person. That doesn’t mean they don’t know how to have a conversation. In fact, many great people are terrible at them

  11. If the price is that high, who’s paying what should have been agreed beforehand.

  13. i’m certain there must have been a better place to go to have a memorable date for 20-40 bones.

    grab food to go, walk by the beach/lake/ridge/watch sunset/park picnic/etc

    ​

    this seems like way too much for any first date.

    and there was no expectation set.

    i think conventional is whomever asks whom out does the paying. that way if they are suggesting the place they know or should be ready to know the prices.

    if you ask someone out and they’re like yeah lets get a private jet and go to this super expensive place in morocco (exaggerating) its like cool, we’ll go dutch

  14. If a guy pulled that when the bill came (I’m a straight woman) I’d just ask the server to split it. Now, I guess you probably need to address it with her, let the connection go, or ignore it and see how she acts next time (at that point, if she still ignores the bill just tell the server to split it 🤷‍♀️ )

  16. ngl lesbian posts like this are my guilty pleasure. Hard to say its a red flag when most women do it.

  17. look at all these people bringing out the most extravagant rules and back ass arguments because it’s 2 women dating ahah

    you fried their brain OP

  18. she definitely should have split if she was 39.

    her being 39 means she can afford to split 50/50

  19. It is rather unusual in my opinion. Maybe she thought you were very well off financially :/

  20. I would have not messaged again. That’s a red flag and at least to be nice she should have offered to split. It shows she may be relying on you financially

  22. The fact you “‘cant” just talk about it tells me you’re not mature enough to date.

    When the waitress set the check down you should have said, “cool, that’s ___ each. Should we pay cash, both use a card or you can Venmo me your half?” If it means that much to you.

    This post sounds like something a 16 year old would ask.

  23. I always offer to pay unless its clear he wants to pay; takes the check (holds out hand to waiter) and reaches for his wallet without any hesitation, and I usually say basically like “Oh Im happy to split this!”. If I don’t offer, the few times I haven’t I immediately thank him for dinner and say I appreciate it.

    When the next date comes up, would you feel comfortable saying something like “Well, Im really looking forward to seeing you again, can I ask how you like to approach deciding on who pays? I typically prefer to split checks, what are your thoughts?”. It is definitely awkward to bring up money early on (and in general!) but in my experience usually the anticipation of that conversation is 90% more built up than the actual conversation turns out to be. The more you talk about it, the more comfortable youll be with it just in general, with her and moving forward.

  24. I’m sorry, you paid $139 on the first date? Do you work at Google or Goldman?

    You need to stand up for yourself. And date someone younger. Anyone 38 and single is going to be bitter and a pain. The fact that she’s 11 years older and expecting you to pay for everything is insane. What has she been doing with her life?

    Are the women you date typically feminine? If so you should just look at men’s dating advice. The dynamic is different of course but human nature tends to be similar.

  25. Who grabbed the bill first?
    If you did and you didn’t communicate that she cover her half then like I don’t get the issue!
    When I go out with friends it’s auto assumed we each pay our way unless it’s specified different

  29. I feel I can’t comment helpfully unless I know more about lesbian dynamics within long term relationships especially in more modern context vs the old tropes of one is more masculine and one is more feminine when coupling up. I feel like that is old school stereotype. Having a degree in Psychology but going to school years ago , all the human pair bonding text was geared towards cis gendering. I’m always wanting to expand my knowledge on human behaviors even though I don’t work in the field. Reddit honestly gives me a birds eye view of what is going on for the what various groups people find acceptable and not acceptable and shedding the traditional roles which are outdated and no longer apply.

  30. You know it’s a red flag that she’s just brushing it off and didn’t thank you until afterwards through text. She honestly sounds like a bit of a narcissist just from the way she pretended it wasn’t even there. And $139 plus tip is a lot for a first date that you BOTH wanted. I’d move on while you can. If someone is that inconsiderate and immature on the first date then it’s a sign they’re too inconsiderate and immature for you.

  31. she’s older than you and she ordered a lot, i think it’s rude that she let u pay without offering to pay for her food. idk why u felt awkward about asking her to pay for her own food, maybe it’s just me, but i would’ve said to the waiter “we’re paying separate can we each get our own check, thank u”

    edit
    one exception would be if u asked her out in a “let me take u to dinner” way, cause that might’ve made her think u want to pay

  32. I (straight 23M) always let women i match with know that if we eat out, we’re splitting the bill when planning a dinner date. What they do/say after that shows me if I should unmatch or not. When I was 18, a girl I had been seeing for 2 weeks saved me in her phone as free meal. Then when I was 21, my girlfriend at the time never offered to pay for meals or split the bill after we started dating. My mom told me that if she doesn’t even offer to contribute to the bill, she’s rude and to just be friends with them. Mainly because it shouldn’t be expected because not everyone is rich.

  35. If I’m paying I’m make it known. if I’m only paying for me I also make that known . Just depends. Could talk about it , hey I don’t have much money could we split the bill I would appreciate it. 🤷‍♀️idk something along those lines

  36. All I can ask if the bill truly is not that big of deal ( Yes she should be told how you feel) but don’t let one thing that by your own words wasn’t truly that big of deal. Close a door! I’m not gay so I don’t know how to say who’s part of a date pays. I was raised in Tennessee so I’m a hillbilly I open and close doors and I pay for dinner, dancing, movie,Date what ever no I’m not a narrow minded person that think a woman can’t pay but she will need to tell me that we are going dutch or keep her money in her pocket

  37. Rookie mistake broski. Never go for dinner on first dates. Dinner only after you bang.

    Drinks and coffee are good enough

  38. Lmao I love how if a guy made this post about a date with a woman you’d get no attention

  39. I don’t know what you expect, that’s what a date usually entails. Even if you’re not the masculine partner, one of you will more than likely pay the bill and not split it.

  40. Here’s a question… is she recently out of a long term relationship, and maybe unclear about current dating etiquette? When I started dating after leaving a decade plus marriage, I didn’t know WHAT the rules were. I decided for myself to always pay at least my own way for the first date so that no one felt entitled to anything from me. But if I wanted a second date I’d usually pay the whole thing in the hopes they would want to make plans to see me again and treat for that one.

    Maybe she’s doing her own little manipulation as well? You pay for the first date so that it’ll be her turn next time and that’s how she guarantees a second date?

  42. If you like her, I would tell her she can treat you at the next place. I would also order the same amount of food that she did, just to be petty.

  43. I thought it was easier on the server to split the bill at the beginning? I always offer before ordering, and I order like I am paying the whole thing no matter what.

  44. Suddenly all the advice changes when it’s 2 women…

    Splitting should be normalized for all relationships regardless of gender. I seriously don’t get why everyone can’t just pay for their own fucking food.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like