TLDR: my ex bf who broke up with me about a year ago, had asked for more chances twice and ended it both times, has now just told me after 5 months of being together but not official that he’s “still not comfortable” making it official
I (F21) was dating this boy (F20) for about 1.5 years until end of last year, when he decided to end things after his not prioritising me and being quite mean and dismissive of the issues I tried to communicate with the reason that “I deserve better” and he can’t give it to me.
He frequently chose drinking, going out with his new friends, working on cars etc over spending time with me, and quality time is very important to me. To be fair, he is quite a popular guy and also works, so he was having trouble juggling things, but I definitely felt our relationship was put on the back burner.
Since then he has asked me for more chances, once about a month after the breakup which he ended after a week saying he wasn’t ready and was too scared he’d hurt me again. Then another in March, which he ended after about a month saying he was still scared and not ready.
Recently, about 4.5 months ago, he reached out to me again sending me texts that he’s realised he wants to be with me, is going to therapy, that I’m the girl he wants to marry, that he hasn’t been with any other girl and didn’t want to bc he only want me, and calling me everyday when I didn’t respond to him. After about two weeks of contemplating I decided to meet up with him, heard his case, and decided to try again with him but made him promise he was serious this time. That he wasn’t just saying what I wanted to hear.
Since then we’ve been seeing each-other the same as a couple would. He’s started introducing me to his friends as his partner, told me he loves me a few times (which I haven’t said back as I’m not comfortable yet) and calls me his gf behind closed doors.
However, a few days ago, when I mentioned that I wouldn’t be doing a particular activity until we were official (yknow what i mean) he mentioned how he’s still “not comfortable” making it official. I was quite taken aback due to the way he’s been treating me, the way we’ve definitely been seeing eachother exclusively for about five months now, and and ESPECIALLY because he was the one who reached out to me telling me he was sure he wanted to be with me.
When I asked him to elaborate he kind of backtracked and said he’s sure of me, and that he wants to be with me, he’s just not sure WHEN. He then brought up the fact that I still haven’t changed a couple things about myself that he doesn’t like, like the fact that I speak in a tone when I get annoyed or frustrated with him. Or that I have “double standards” when I asked him to not speak with his friends about how hot other girls are in front of me, I don’t believe I’ve done so in front of him (bc I don’t really even talk about other peoples attractiveness in general) and if I ever did so, I don’t remember. I then said okay I’m sorry, I did say it in a burst of insecurity due to his life style of partying every weekend and his often mentioning of girls flirting with him, so the idea of him ever checking out these girls made me feel a bit insecure. Its obviously something we’re BOTH insecure about, so I said okay, if you don’t then I won’t. Left it at that.
I asked for some space to think about what i want, and for him to do the same. it just feels like I’m expected to forgive him for all the terrible things he’s done to me, and hasn’t changed his ways, so continues to do (to a lesser extent don’t get me wrong, he has slightly improved) but he is unwilling to give me even an ounce of that same compassion and forgiveness when i also say the wrong thing or make a mistake. It may also be worth mentioning that once we started seeing each other again, he has stopped going to therapy for his anxiety, whereas I have continued as I’m trying to become a better person and partner and deal with my depression and anxiety.
Essentially, I don’t know how to approach this situation. I’m taking space and time to think about his comment and what I’m willing to accept. I’m just quite tired of putting up with his bullshit and him not being willing to put up with mine. I’m not perfect and I never will be.
What do I do?
4 comments
You are so young to waste your time in this kind of relationship. Break up for good and move on
So yeah, you keep dating this same guy and hoping for a different outcome but idk what to tell you, like you’ve been there done that and you know how it’s gonna end no. He’s known you for years now and he still doesn’t want to commit. He has all the information. He just doesn’t want to. He’s not scared to hurt you (evidently…) he just has major commitment issues. If you keep dating this guy you’re gonna end up as the “we’ve been together for five years and he won’t move in with me” and “we’ve been together for ten and he hasn’t proposed”-girl. Or the “as soon as he saw someone better he ditched me”-girl, even worse. My advice would be to stop wasting your time.
These things can be really hard to let go of because you always think of the potential of the relationship, that there’s this imagined ideal The two of you could find if you just work together at it – especially when you spend so much of your life with this person (even if dating was a relatively shorter part of that).
I think a lot of breaking out of that’s like hole is to allow yourself to feel that pain and to mourn the relationship that you think could have been – The relationship it has been easy to imagine because that’s exactly the way he is when he starts pursuing you but that’s not the reality if dating him, the reality is that your relationship is a toy he puts in the shelf and brings down when it suits him.
I think once you’ve had a little bit of time to grieve things and yet space, I would recommend just flooding your life in free time with other shit to do. Reinvest in your other relationships and friendships or make some new ones. Volunteer. Throw yourself into work. Study something. Learn a new skill. Take up an activity. The thing about this is that it’s a distraction which is great (but not bulletproof), but it also starts to change and break up your routines so you’re not on the same mental rails you were in this relationship, so you star to think about this dude less and not feel the holes he has left so much until One day in the future when those feelings just aren’t really there
Quit letting this dude jerk you around. Go find someone else to be with.