Hi everyone,
I am your average nerd. I play games at home. I have a very good job in the Finance industry. That is my life. Let’s say I am the guy your parents always referred to when they wanted to show a benchmark. I did not have many outstanding grades, but I also was not the social problem kinda guy. I used to mind my business. For my whole life, I have only engrossed myself in books and video games, I did not play sports, pursue any hobby or did anything that forced me to be more social. Lately, I have realized that the above is not a good thing. I am being used, manipulated and conned too. Due to my lack of social skills and the inability to deal with people and conflict, the above is taking place. I am fed up with it. I want to improve my people skills and my ability to manage people and face conflicting scenarios. I recently got conned by a cab driver, who was going to pay me $12 USD that he owed me, but hasn’t paid me for two weeks, he has now stopped receiving my phone calls to me. He even promised me the payment but has not paid me. This is the breaking point and also the reason to write this post. Please help me ! I am done being a nice guy.
28 comments
So you gave him 12 dollars and he’s been avoiding you for 2 weeks now? Hear me out, it took you only 12 dollars to get rid of him from your life. He won’t see you, he won’t call you. You got off cheap, my friend.
As you said you’re smart guy so be sure whenever you have focused on a field you’ve conquered it.
Now as you’re focusing on yiur social skill i am sure you will improve in few years.
As for the taxi guy you always learn from your mistake. For the next time make this as your social boundary to never let give anyone any kind of money that you will feel uncomfortable with.
Sounds to me like you’re helping yourself. You’re done being a nice guy.
If you don’t have a social life, then you don’t need to care about people liking you. That means you can be assertive and stop being a doormat. That right there will give you a slight confidence boost.
To keep it short and succinct:
Learn to set your boundaries and cut off people that dont respect them, it is invaluable to know when to say “no”. Find people who share in your interests, like books…you dont need to find a book club but try to find a place where you can see people in person or at least verbally comunicate, online communications will put some pressure on you to be more social but you can also disconnect if things get akward for you.People will still con and manipulate you of course, never feel bad or guilty for denying them the chance.You will probably lose a couple of people from your life but thats okay, dont let social desperation take over you and make you a pushover, might also help finding a new enviroment if you feel your current one doesnt respect you as an individual.
There’s nothing wrong with being a nice guy. Kindness is a trait that many people lack, and it’s hard to learn, it’s a shame you see it as a hindrance because it’s an incredible strength.
I think the reason why you feel like it isn’t a strength is that you feel ‘used’. Can someone be kind without being used? It’s a hard question to answer. Any perceived kindness someone gives to someone could be seen as them getting used. So is kindness in general just people being a chump? I don’t think so.
‘Used’ is an interesting choice of words. Not uncommon, or unfair. But when we frame things in terms of who is using who it puts most interactions through a very transactional lens. It becomes analysing it in terms of who got more, who got less. The problem with this is if you view everything like a business deal you kill a certain level of friendliness about you. Think about a close friend or family member, when you do things for each other it shouldn’t be about who is doing what amount and for who. It’s just about helping. That’s the love those relationships bring and some people extend that to more people than others.
If you are feeling used, part of it can be the fact that you are, but another part is that you are in a mindset where you see any kindness you give people as you are being used, as you’re not getting anything back. So I’d first challenge that mindset and recognize that you’re not doing nice things for something, or to win some exchange, you’re doing it for out of a place of selflessness and that’s okay.
Of course, it’s okay until it isn’t. As there are people who get used by people and don’t feel appreciated. You may be experiencing a bit of that as well. And in this, there is a kindness you may lack, and that’s a kindness to yourself. You don’t have to pull a ‘no more mister nice guy’ but set boundaries that make you feel comfortable and practise enforcing them. Who do you feel okay with lending money to? I’d recommend only lending what you’re okay with giving. It’s okay to say no if you feel a boundary is crossed. This doesn’t make you unkind, it just makes you kind to yourself. By making these boundaries clear to yourself you know you’re not being used because every kindness you give to others is intentional and done because the world needs more kindness.
Hope that helps.
Maybe you want to read No more mr nice guy by Dr. Glover…
Read No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Robert A. Glover. I think it may resonate with you
My best advice is the following: be honest and never lie. That shows that you respect yourself, but also that you deserved to be respected. Ngl, you’re gonna face conflict being that way inevitably but that’s the price you need to pay in order to be respected. You have to show that you’re someone who can be fierce.
Absolutely absolutely get working out. I do not recommend weightlifting though because by nature it’s a loner’s sport. And I highly recommend combat sports, where you can interact with people, work as pairs, push each other to grow etc. And you will feel better about yourself as you get healthier and stronger.
There is a book for that : no more Mr nice guy .. look it up
Thick face black heart … Was another book in this matters
Being genuinely “nice” doesn’t come with a set of rules. Some people appreciate it, and some will take advantage, some will do both. If a stranger offers you something you want for free, are you going to take it??.probably. Apathy and emotion carry value also and if your giving it away openly, there will be plenty of takers.
Try reading no more mr nice guy by robert glover 🙂
Be selfish, don’t need rude. Know your worth, don’t be arrogant. Give space, don’t ignore people. It’s all a balance, inform yourself on topics like these and find where your balance lies
First of all, there’s NOTHING wrong with your way of being. You don’t have to change to meet society standards; you change because you want better for yourself.
People are trash and always want to be above everyone; and to avoid that, try working on being assertive and have more self-respect.
But NEVER, change your personality just because people take advantage of it. There’s nothing wrong with you, and this comes from a girl who is also “the nice girl”.
It took me a lot of time and effort to be where I am, but it was worth it. I encourage you to do the same 🙂
Make a list of group oriented hobbies you’d be interested in trying (no isolating ones). Find a group pertaining to each, attend one or two a week (or more if you like). Go back to the ones you find yourself enjoying and vibing with and cut out the ones you don’t. From day 1 in these hobbies try to introduce yourself to as many people as possible and seem open and friendly. Try to maintain a schedule of doing 2 to 4 of the ones you like per week. Do those for a month. Now you have social hobbies. Ask people you’ve chatted with 3 or 4 times at the social hobbies if they’d be interested in grabbing a bite to eat or coffee after the hobby. Now you have some acquaintances. Try to organize things with your acquaintances outside of the hobby at least once a week per person and see what sticks. Now you start gaining friends.
Join the YMCA take some classes, it’s a great start
And there’s ppl who rip others off regardless of if you’re a nice guy or not. They are just manipulative ppl. Try and go to sides of town that you’re not used to
If someone asks you for a favour ask yourself if that person would be willing do the same for you in the same situation. If the answer is no then decline. This way you won’t be taken advantage of or disrespected. There may be exceptions. If you want to help someone just because then you are free to do so just don’t expect anything in return because you will feel disappointed.
“I’m a nice guy, everyone!”
Begins the post fellating himself and showing how bold his narcissism is.
Nah man, nice people don’t need to *tell* other people they’re nice. You’re another ego driven sociopath looking for online validation because the people in your own world have distanced themselves from you.
Its not wrong to be nice. There are 2 extremes, one people call nice guy and second bad boy. You dont wanna be either of those, but somewhere in the middle. Bad boys may have higher chance to attract, but miss that respect for others. They are just full of themselves which make them difficult to maintain relationship. Being nice to other and women is great, because they love attention and gentlemen, someone who can listen to them and care.
The problem is that most nice guys are not themselves. They agree on everything someone says, they never say no, they never say if they disagree on something. Thats the problem because these guys basically never show their true personality and you never know what to expect from them. Its hard to respect and mostly trust someone who agrees on every thing you say, thats suspicious. They could betray you when you dont expect.
The key building good reltionship with people is trust. If you can earn someones trust (gf, friends, coleagues..), than you have basically won. Trust is earned though honestly. Brutal, but moral honesty. That makes you authentic (yourself), which makes you trustful and attractive.
There are only 2 options. Either you are authentic(honest) and will have people who like you and people who hate you at the same time or you pretend to be nice guy and have no people who will hate you, but also no one will really like you.
Being honest takes some confidence. You gain confidence by solving your biggest problems. Problems you are avoiding constantly and that are so painful to deal with/solve. In your case i assume its working out, finding other passions.
A trick for money, if you’re ever lending you shouldn’t expect it back. Personally I only lend money to family members, If they don’t pay me back it’s not the end of the world.
If your used to being maninpulated/conned, ask people questions, try to understand what they are thinking and what they really want. Only give things you are ready to lose. If you made mistakes in the past, reflect on where it went wrong, so if a similar situation happens in the future, you’ll be better prepared to avoid it.
Focus on yourself, know what you want. Stop trying to help or please others. You could still be a nice guy, just make sure others are aware of your boudaries
I think your observations are solid, but your conclusions are counterproductive.
You can be a nice guy and still play sports, pursue hobbies and have an active social life, these aren’t exclusive – on the contrary, in fact. Much more likely to make friends and build confidence, and thus make you less likely to be victimized, if you keep being nice while also being more active. In other words, **yes, being more social would help**, and **no, being a nice guy is not why you aren’t more social**.
As far as managing conflicts, **being respectful and compassionate is the only viable base** for doing that – **everything else is escalating or creating conflicts instead of managing them**.
All in all, what you’re describing seems more like a **potentially pathological avoidance of conflict** entirely. Depending on the severity of how this affects your life, you might have an anxiety disorder that causes this. That would contribute to your perceived lack of social skills as well. I’d rather look for options to seek a trained therapist, because if your problems are caused by a neurological disorder, your attempt to change your personality through sheer willpower will only result in more problems down the line.
By the way, **there’s a** **big difference in not having social skills, or being unable to use them** whenever you need to. The former is generally caused by lack of effort/experience, the latter is caused by medical conditions, including mental health disorders.
If you think you aren’t more social because you don’t know how, you can certainly develop that though practice. They are called skills for a reason, you get better through observation, application, repetition.
If you think your difficulty of handling social situations only occurs in certain situations (that are likely emotionally charged), but otherwise there’s nothing wrong with your ability to communicate, then once again, I’d look for professional help – if that’s an option.
Maybe, just maybe; you aren’t actually “nice”.
Sit with that for a minute.
As someone who is a nice guy, people can be vicious and take advantage of your kindness (it’s happened to me). You don’t have to change who you are but life kind of gets you hardened. You’re not going to like being that assertive guy because it’s just not you but reduce your patience for stupidity.
r/niceguys
Your problem is that you’re not the “nice guy” you’re actually the guy who is being walked all over which doesn’t mean you’re a nice guy.
You need to set boundaries, and not let people borrow money from you unless you’re willing to chance not getting it back. Since $12 is giving you such a hard time you need to no longer allow people to borrow money.
You also need to work on your social skills, and it seems like you want hobbies, so start forming them.
> Let’s say I am the guy your parents always referred to when they wanted to show a benchmark.
Nice people don’t say things like this, they’re more humble than that. They also don’t hound people over $12, they just cut their losses.
Why are you lending money to cab drivers…
Curious how you even get conned out of $12 from a cab driver… You went on a $8 ride, gave him a $20 and he promised he’d pay you back somehow?
If you’re done being a nice guy, slash two of his tires and key “$12” into his door. That should send the message