Hello all. I’m mentally and emotionally working through my last relationship and I need some opinions. I’m on mobile so I apologize for the formatting.
About a year into my relationship with my ex (that I stayed with for too long after this point) he admitted to me that he had previously done some extremely scary things (as an adult) that he had never gotten caught for, but would have otherwise potentially spent time in prison for. Without getting graphic, the victims were not human.
To add some context, he only told me because I had caught him in multiple lies up until this point and he knew that if I discovered any more secrets that I would not stick around.
My question is this – how much honesty do we owe our partners? Part of me thinks that maybe if he had completely changed that was something he could have kept to himself. Another part of me thinks that when it comes to something this serious, I would’ve wanted to know the first time we had a sit down conversation about our histories regarding relationships where I asked him point blank about the topic.
I really don’t know though.
Edit to provide clarity because I was being too vague. He was cruel to pets. During one of our more serious get to know you convos earlier in the relationship I asked him straight up about whether or not he had any history of domestic violence. He did not admit to it then.
4 comments
I think that’s called animal torture.
Of course they should tell you. But they usually don’t.
I think things that could’ve sent someone to prison should usually be discussed with your partner. Or anything that has been documented legally such as previous marriage, divorce, restraining orders. Etc.
Conversations about past sexual history (barring any STDs) can stay to themselves. History of trauma can be discussed at their comfort level.
So we don’t need to share EVERYTHING with our SO. But it’s probably best to tell them things that they might find out later and could possibly draw their own (possibly incorrect) conclusions about.
I am curious how this is about past relationships when the victims weren’t human.
If you are someone who enjoys torturing animals, and you have even the smallest hint of empathy, it’s on you to explain that to your partner. That’s some seriously sick shit. Animals can show pain and fear and love, taking your anger out on them means you don’t respond to fear or pain in other creatures – or, worse, you enjoy it. It’s not hard to transfer from an animal to a human.
Ethically speaking, the people you date should be making an INFORMED CHOICE about whether they want to date you.
Not telling someone about something that would likely be a factor in their decision is a lie of omission, its not okay to conceal stuff like that.
He was right to tell you, and if it factored into your decision to stop dating him that was ok too.