I (F/33) broke up with my boyfriend (M/31) after he insinuated that he was sick because I have probably been out there “kissing” other guys. We have been friends for over 10+ years before trying to date each other. He said he understood his comment was out of line and asked to go back to being friends. I said alright as we never had any issues as friends, but now he is acting like we are still together and referring to himself as my boyfriend. Do I break up with him again? Do I remind him that we are only friends? Do I ghost him? What is the correct solution??
TLDR; ex bf still acts like we’re together
[UPDATE] I responded to his message and reiterated that we are broken up. I told him if he wants to be friends we should take a break from contact, and if he no longer wanted to be friends we could end that as well. He said he understands and would like to continue to be friends and gave me the option to contact him as friend once I felt ready.
Thank you all for your comments and guidance.
43 comments
Communicate. Let him know what not being together entails. If he ignores you, break everything off.
Info: how is he referring to himself as your boyfriend? To other people? If so correct them.
You don’t need to break up
With him again. Just tell him that he knows youre are just friends, as per his wish, and to knock it off.
Ask him if he hit his head somewhere and forgot about the whole ‘breakup’ conversation you two had.
If he still continues to ack weird just cut him off
Call him out on it. First privately but sternly; and if he keeps saying “boyfriend/girlfriend” to his friends and peers then call him out publicly when you hear him say it. If he can’t respect you why should you do him the courtesy of not calling him out in front of his friends?
“I’m not going to lean on you like a boyfriend because you are not my boyfriend. We are not in a relationship, if you keep insinuating that we are, we won’t even be friends. I’m setting this boundary, you either respect it or I’m cutting you out of my life. I will block you on everything and you’ll never hear from me again; if you value this friendship you will respect my boundary.”
Lay it out crystal clear in writing for him. “I broke up with you on (insert date). We are not in a romantic relationship.”
Also… dial back on the friendship, at least for a while. Your very recent ex is not the person you should be going to for talking about your problems.
No. Don’t break up with him “again” him not taking you seriously doesn’t mean you didn’t break up. You are broken up. Any time he insinuates you are still together just politely remind him you’re not. I’m also wondering the context of your relationship at this point. Because if you are still treating him like a boyfriend but saying you’re broken up that can be very confusing. I have a friend who I cant talk to about her relationship anymore because it’s so ridiculous at this point. She will say they aren’t together and then be annoyed when dude acts upset about things that only a boyfriend should be upset about (staying out late, etc), only to find out that they still sleep together, go on dates, borrow each other’s car, give rides to airport and all the coupley things. So I have no sympathy for that.
So ask yourself how, how are you treating him? Are you making it clear through your actions that you are broken up? Or do you still talk to him every day, sleep together, and just generall treat him like a boyfriend ?
Just don’t call or speak to him and if he says anything, say that you two broke up x days/weeks ago and you’re taking a bit of space from the friendship to make sure that that tie is well and truly broken.
The fact that you are thinking about ghosting him means he has passed your tolerance limit.
Look, he sounds like the type of “friend” who would fuck you if he has the chance, so ask yourself, do you need/want that in your life? If your answer is yes, just tell him to shut up and be a friend or you’ll dissappear from his life(he could try to make future relationship you have, complicated, who knows) but I am sure he will take any chance he has to have sex with you.
If you do NOT want a “friend” Who will take any chance he has to have sex with you, just tell him “i am tired, of you, do not write me again” and ghost him after that.
Good luck!
If he won’t accept the breakup, then you can’t be friends.
“Hey, we’re not dating anymore so stop referring to to yourself as my boyfriend.
You were a cool friend but that weird jealousy and implying I’m a cheater totally killed any romantic feelings I had for you.
It’s a pity but maybe if you work in that part of yourself you won’t do it with the next person you date.
I’m going to take a break from our friendship so you have a chance to move on”.
Then be no contact for a while and feel free to tell your friends that it’s over and he might need some support from them since he doesn’t seem to acknowledge it.
Stop being friends? He obviously doesn’t listen and is disrespectful also it sounds like he was projecting (like he had cheated)
Unless you want to be friends? Is that’s so talk to him if he doesn’t listen then there isn’t anything you can do
OP I don’t mean to scare you but this is quite a common stalker/abuser behaviour and I think ghosting is a good idea – BUT also do some safety planning, e.g. what are you going to do if he turns up at your place, work etc.
“We are not a couple. Stop telling people we are. And please do not contact me.” Even if you want to remain friends with him, you need to take a break from him as a person.
Ok I’ve been in a similar situation to this (guy broke up with me because he wasn’t “good enough” for me, said we would be friends, but kept treating me like we were together) and it wound up being the single most abusive relationship I’ve ever been in. In the beginning I kept telling him that he doesn’t get to treat me that way if we’re not together, he would do his little hurt act and back off for a couple of days, and then we’d be right back to it when we talked again. He wore down my boundaries this way because eventually it became more effort than it was worth to keep correcting him, and I still cared about him and wanted him in my life so I just let it happen.
In my case, even if I’d kept correcting him, he would have found other ways to erode my boundaries. You have the benefit of him doing this publicly/in front of other people, which is the best opportunity to shut this shit down. It’s harder for him to maintain the idea that you’re still together if you’re making sure people know you aren’t.
If he can’t deal with this, you may have to cut him off entirely. When I finally cut off mine after a year of this crap, he had the audacity to ask me if it was because there was someone else. There wasn’t, I was just sick of his toxicity. It wasn’t until after that I found out that he’d been hooking up with/sexting others the whole time, even sexually harassing some of them- some of these being people I’d introduced him to! Cheater projection is a hell of a thing.
There’s no need to break up again after you’ve already done so. Just make it clear you don’t want him referring to himself as your boyfriend, or you as his girlfriend. If he doesn’t relent, then end the friendship.
He’s doing that Seinfeld thing where George quits his job, but then realizes he needs his job, so he comes back to work and pretends he was joking when he quit.
There’s no being friends with an ex when the breakup wasn’t mutual and amicable. Especially when they make baseless accusations about your character, and feel like they’re entitled to you. Ghost this creep.
If you truly don’t want to be with him & If he didn’t listen the first time(s) – block him. Dassssit. All social media accounts. Don’t give in to his weaknesses, or any guilt trips. He will live & move on. So will you! All will be marry in time 🙂
>He insinuated that he was sick because I have probably been out there “kissing” other guys.
I wonder if **he** is the one out there “kissing other girls”? Is he ashamed of himself and guilt tripping you in order to make you stay? He is accusing **you** of kissing others and is telling others you are still together **after you rejected him because he knows you cannot say no in public**.
I would honestly set him straight that you guys are not in a relationship and if he is not taking into account your feeling and words then cut him from your life. People come and go in life and sometimes we need to filter those individuals that will not help us grow.
Don’t feel like y’all were ever friends if this is what’s going down cause home boy don’t respect boundaries.
How long was he secretly in love with you before this dating attempt?
He’s got them nice guy vibes.
Mine did this too!!! I had to initiate a convo that started “I’m really confused, didn’t we break up last week?” “uhhh yes” “well I still want to be broken up” which finalized it and in this convo we talked about timeline and how to deal w shared lease. I told my aunt this and she said he was gonna pretend it all never happened, so technically, I broke up with him (before this, I thought it was mutual)
He also had gone back to calling me gf and saying I love you in the week between the breakup and this conversation. so fucking weird
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His comment makes him sound like he’s 16, as does the way he’s acting now. I would just cease contact with him
You don’t have to break up again. Your ex is being manipulative. He knows you aren’t together but he is trying to push you back into a relationship. That is not how it works. You should give him one warning that you are broken up. If he doesn’t respect that then ghost.
Text: “Nope. We’re broken up. And since you don’t seem to be getting how to do the friends thing yet, starting now I’m going to take some space from you so that the fact that we’re exes now is easier to get used to. Don’t reach out. Thanks.” And then ignore or block anything from him that isn’t an explicit acknowledgment of understanding.
Go NO CONTACT. He’s not respecting you and never will. Block him everywhere. Don’t maintain a relationship with someone who is that accusatory towards you.
OP you need to make it clear to him that it is over and it has been since he accused you of cheating.
Be crystal clear. Don’t leave any room for interpretation.
Also, ask yourself what you will do if he says he didn’t mean it and wants to get back together. Do you want him back? Do you want to deal with this bullshit again? Have an answer to this, just in case.
Don’t let him control this. Be kind, be considerate, and be firm.
I think you should go N/C for at least 30 days because it’s too fresh to keep talking right after the break up.
You need to go no contact with him. He’s abusive and his behaviors are going to get progressively worse. If he has a key to your place; change the lock. Stay safe
“Do I break up with him again?”
THERE IS NO “AGAIN.” You’ve already broken up with him! Tell him to remember the boundaries and if he can’t respect that, stop hanging out with him and block him. He sounds like he knew he fucked up but doesn’t want to admit it and is hoping that pretending it never happened will work.
Honey, it happened. RUN!
Remind him you’re broken up. Go no contact.
Clean breaks are usually the best. No contact for a few months is a good idea.
Correct him. In front of people. Who knows who else he’s told that to.
No contact. Words alone did not work and he is not an idiot, he’s trying to manipulate you which is an attack. Remove yourself completely from the battlefield and mourn he was never really a friend to you, he has spent all this time trying to wear you down, that’s all and it’s gross.
If he had ever been your friend he’d respect you and wouldn’t even think to accuse you like that. The trust issues are a complete red herring, he shouldn’t be in a relationship at all if true. If every woman is a potential cheater that makes you sexist, not having “trust issues”. Trust issues is you stay out a little late and they get more anxious than they should. Getting sick and accusing your partner of cheating is ABUSIVE. If it was an STI, ok totally different, but we’re in a damn pandemic and he’s accountable for keeping himself well to the best of his ability with the knowledge we’ve got no track and trace whatsoever.
He sucks and is vampiring life out of you, JUST MOVE ON so you can mourn the situation and get on with much better things with people who respect and admire your character.
You should remind him straight through sms that you guys already broken up because of his accusations of you. Then screenshot that message and his reply to his friends if he try to claim otherwise.
I’m pretty sure him accusing you of cheating is him projecting.
Kiss other guys for real this time.
Your “friend” clearly doesn’t respect your boundaries after breaking up with him.
This means he is actually not your friend and likely only pretending to be a friend so he can keep dating you or get back together for real.
As a side note, even when guys do this they generally don’t just start up and referring to you as being together still, this sounds extremely unhinged..
Run. Run far far away from this psycho.
You can’t be friends with him either. I mean…really
Ghost. I don’t always recommend it but in this situation it’s appropriate.
Block this idiot and keep him out of your head. Go buy a sexy Halloween costume and rock that shit.
first of all, good for you. Not only was he not joking, you recognized he red flag and saved yourself so much pain and effort and energy. Second, I’d reply to his text, something others have already said or even, “You’re not my boyfriend, and since you’re pretending like I wasn’t clear on that, now you’re also not my friend.” And block him.
>broke up with my boyfriend (M/31) after he accused me of cheating, now he is acting like we’re still together
He can’t have it both ways – leave his sorry butt behind.
>Do I break up with him again?
What do you mean *again*? Since when did you unbreakup with him? You broke up with him, that’s it.