I’m honestly just frustrated. My family is incredibly toxic. Always have been. My childhood was a roller coaster. It’s mainly my mom, dad, and sister – but the extended family is only marginally better. About three years ago I went low contact with the nuclear family, and their decisions to behave irrationally made me go no contact a year ago. Took too long if you ask me.
I have a nephew. My sister’s son. He is an actual joy to be around. This kid is kind, smart, inquisitive… I would be here forever if I Iisted all of his positive qualities. He and I have maintained a good relationship despite the rest of the family. I’ve always told him that no matter the situation, I’m here. Due to the nature of our toxic family, and me going NC, we’ve been distant the last couple years – but I’ve always sent him well wishes for birthdays and holidays.
About a month ago he called me while I was at work. He told me that he wasn’t doing well at home and asked to come stay with me. Of course I opened my home and he’s been here since. I am overjoyed to have him. He’s incredibly grateful, but I don’t think he realizes how much having him here has brought happiness to my heart. I’m also very grateful. It’s a great dynamic, and I don’t see him going back. I’ve also since learned a bit about what type of abuse he has been dealing with and it’s insufferable.
I got him a job, and he’s doing really well. I’ve set some normal ground rules for a roommate type situation, and he’s been a gem. He helps me clean, grocery shop, helps with laundry and dishes – all with a smile! He’s delightful. He’s working, in therapy, seeing friends, eating well, all good things. We talk, and I’ve been as unbiased and logical with him as possible, unless he asks for my opinion on something. I’ve been working with my therapist to help me make this a smooth transition for him. I want him to make his own decisions, and he’s going to be working through some real trauma. He has autonomy and independence and he’s honestly blossoming. It’s still really early – but he says he can sleep peacefully and to me that’s really something.
I spoke to my father and sister when my dad showed up here. I was firm but kind – if not very short. I honestly expected worse. But I will not be bullied, especially now that I’ve a real chance to set an example for my nephew. Other than that they’ve not reached out to me at all. I’m grateful for that.
My family is incredibly narcissistic, religious etc. He’s their golden boy. They’ve been trying like hell to make him “realize he’s wrong” and come home. He’s had zero privacy, autonomy etc. They tell him how to do everything and prevent him from experiencing life. I really cannot stress enough how evil the bile is that comes from their lips. My own mother recently warned him against me trying to do something to him while he’s here. This is the one place he’s felt safe and she tried to destroy that for him – with zero basis or reasoning fyi, just to be hateful. My sister just guilt trips him at every opportunity. She’s very upset at what he’s “doing to her”. I’m just really angry. I cannot believe the way they’re treating him! He’s a kid! My sister has been calling people in his life – but has NEVER asked *him* how he is??
The problem is the shit they keep spewing at him. I’m so tired of it! I’m so tired of it for him! None of them have ONE TIME said to him – “how are you, can I help, I love you”. All they do is spew venom and try to manipulate and work around him. They use their love as a weapon, they guilt him, disrespect him and me, and they tell him what to do.
Anyways this is probably more of a rant. I’m just so damned disappointed and frustrated. I know they’re fucked up and it’s just the way it is. Nothing I could say to them matters at all to them, so there’s nothing to say. I’m ok with that. But seeing them try to use me to hurt and scare him, and just being so incredibly selfish toward him is getting really difficult. So I guess I’m ranting here instead of telling them to get all the way fucked lol. Thanks for reading x
Tl;dr nephew moved in, toxic family is behaving toxically leaving me super frustrated on his behalf.
6 comments
I think you need to work on boundaries with your family. Who does it help when you make yourself available to their bullshit?
Don’t take calls you know aren’t useful. Don’t have conversations when you know they’ll be toxic. Stop telling them when your available so they can just pop in.
Tell your therapist you want advice/strategies on managing poor family dynamics. Do the equivalent of what your nephew did when he got away from them. You are his ally and example.
You’re awesome. Sounds like you are doing so well with your new housemate. I’m sorry he’s bringing people back into your life you’d chosen not to contact. That’s so hard. Accepting that consequence is the most generous aspect of having him live with you, in my opinion.
This behavior will continue, and it was bad enough before you defied them. What were your coping mechanisms then, and what’s changed about you since then? I mean, what (besides the most lovely motivation in caring for your nephew) is going to make this string of interactions more bearable than before you decided to cut off contact? I have no real comparison stress-wise except raising kids in lockdown, and I had to do everything to stay sane: meditate, exercise, therapy, journalling, socializing — like self-care was another job. Please take that kind of extra special care of yourself.
Would your nephew be open to therapy? It seems to me that he could really benefit from it.
Maybe it’s a good idea to discuss NC or VLC with your nephew. Not telling him he has to, but explaining how it’s helped you and that its a valid path forward. I think that right now, when emotions are high and he’s establishing himself, it would be the wisest way to more forward.
He’s very, very lucky that he has someone like you that he can get away to. Too many children have been emotionally beaten into submission in those situations, but he had you as a lifeboat.
You’re doing great, and this is clearly wonderful for both of you.
Time to have the “what do you think about cutting them off?” conversation with him.