I recently left my partner of 15 years. I left her and hastily jumped into bed with another woman. I spent a few months distracted by this other woman before I then left that relationship too.

Now I feel massive guilt and really horrible feelings of grief and loss for my former partner (maybe a case of grass isn’t greener and guilty conscience) but I made a mistake, and I am now really suffering the consequences.

We have always had a tumultuous relationship, and since our youngest child we have really abstained from any kind of intimacy. Holding hands, cuddling, kissing and love making. I have been asking and telling her tgat I need this intimacy even as a man in my mid 30s I am soft and I like romance and to feel desired and loved amd wanted. Maybe that’s selfish.

I was unloyal, I left her and pursued another woman. She since pursued another man, neither worked out. We both still love each other bur there has been damage and I don’t know how I will prove my love for her, slowly slowly obviously I have things to address and so does she.

But has anyone ever been here? Did u resolve the issue and did it make u stronger?

Thanks

13 comments

  1. You should at least try to have an honest conversation with her about how you feel about her and why you felt your relationship broke down.

    >We have always had a tumultuous relationship

    Why?

  3. Have you tried relationship counseling? (Obviously, it cost money so may not even be a option). You both need to be open and honest about what you want. 15 years is a lot to give up on without trying everything. Good luck đź‘Ť

  4. It might not be the best idea to go back to her even if she did agree to try again. You left for a reason. What makes you think the relationship would be better if you tried again? It’s natural to miss her and feel down but that doesn’t mean you two should be together

  5. You’ve made your bed mate, you left her for another women during arguably the hardest time in a marriage (when there’s multiple small children) and you put your own selfish wants in front of your family.
    She’s met someone else, you should try n be happy for her and not ruin this for her too

  6. Question… when all this intimacy left what were you doing to make your partner felt seen? I’m not talking date nights I’m talking the little things. Did she have to ask you to do something for her? Or perhaps she stopped even asking? Would you she need to ask you to watch the kids if she wanted to do something on her own? If you seen dishes in the sink would you do them or leave them? Did you ever make a point of telling her you’ve done something she would normally do? Did you do things for her in the hopes of getting intimacy? If she came to you with a problem would you tell her how to fix it rather than just let her rant? Would she have to ask for your help or to take over with kids?

    I’m not trying to stereo type you btw but men and women think very differently. Offering your mrs a date night every now and then isn’t romantic especially when she likely knows you’re doing it to get sex. It’s all the little things combined that make a huge difference in a relationship, it’s supposed to be a partnership but sadly that’s not always the case, kids will wind up going to mum for something because they know she’ll get it. My ex got annoyed about our lack of intimacy and I told him he didn’t do anything to help me to want to be intimate, he felt date nights and making a point of telling me he did a load of laundry (which I had to put in the dryer) was him helping me, but it wasn’t, he wasn’t “helping” me to help me. He was helping me to get intimacy. Which just made me feel like a sex doll tbh. He also said I should’ve told him he wanted me to do these things, well firstly I’m not his mother and secondly he watched me do all those things everyday and he can’t figure out what to do? Besides I did ask and it would never get done so I stopped asking.

    You need to really dig deep and think about why that intimacy went and what sort of partner you really were. And whether you did enough to make her feel seen.

  8. “Getting back with an ex is like reading the same book again expecting a different ending” – you broke up for a reason.

    It sounds like you may have dependency issues which is why you jumped straight into a new relationship and now want to get back with your ex, you need to learn to make yourself happy.

  9. You both moved on and have identified you both are not right for each other and have realised that you are both still looking for the right person.

    Going back to each other probably not the right option for either of you and would be a waste of your time and energy which could be better moving forward looking forward for someone who likes to have a partner who is tactile towards them.

    Just remember your child always comes first.

  11. I think remorse after the event is normal, but you need to spend some time on your own and not be looking for someone to look after you. Going back doesn’t normally work, as it will feel worse than before you left them.

    If you left them for someone else then you really have no-one to blame but yourself. If you left because you did not want to be with them anymore, then you need to spend some time on your own, not immediately move in with someone else.

  12. It’s never too late to reconcile. The world isn’t black and white. People go through different periods in their life and react in certain ways.

    I can’t say whether you were right or wrong to do act how you did, your ex partner will have a view though. If you want to reconcile then you should try but two things I) you need to be sure you want this, you can’t mess with people ii) you need to respect their position if they reject you

  13. My wife and I separated last year, having been together for 11 years, married 6 and with a 4 year old daughter. We had our ups and downs but things really went to shit when we suffered a miscarriage. We completely drifted apart and got to the point where we just couldn’t stand to be in each others presence.

    ​

    I eventually found out that some time after the miscarriage, she’d started an affair with a colleague that had been going on for over 2 years. While our relationship wasn’t perfect, finding that out absolutely killed me – I blamed myself for everything and spent far too long trying to convince her to give us another chance.

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    She didn’t want to and in hindsight I am 110% glad that she didn’t. Not only would I never have been able to shake some of the horrible thoughtsthat’d go through my mind every time she went into the office, but mostly because it dawned on me that I only wanted that because I was afraid to be alone. Our relationship was on a downwards slope long before the affair and I don’t think anything would have stopped that.

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    I’m not sure whether any of that will help you at all, but I guess the point I’m trying to make is that sometimes your judgement is clouded; you think of better times and ignore the realities of life. Not saying the grass is greener, but sometimes the best thing you can do is just close the page on that chapter of your life, and look towards moving on at your own pace

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