Tl:dr; no contact seems to just get my ex’s back up and cause arguments. Can’t block as we live together and kids involved. Maybe not the best approach for me?
So my (29f) ex of 10 years (30m) left me 7 weeks ago for a girl he met at work 2 weeks before (19f).
He is still currently living in the house as we are both unable to leave. I won’t go into detail but when I say we are stuck here for the time being, I really mean it.
His new gf is a really mean person, very selfish, spiteful and jealous. She insults me constantly and says things that are hurtful, just nasty for no reason. She has unmedicated BPD and I think this contributes to her behaviour a lot.
I have attempted to go no contact a few times, but it never seems to work out. Our last stint only lasted 4 days before he came to talk to me again. We had an arguement which honestly just turned into an honest conversation about our situation. We both admitted that we are hurting, he said he misses me and is gutted we didn’t work out but he has been so depressed and suicidal the last few months that something just had to change… so he changed me I guess.
I think no contact just seems to get his back up. It causes arguements which it’s hard to avoid as we are living together and although yes he misses me, it just seems to cause more of a rift. It’s maybe just not practical with the kids here too.
We had a small falling out about 1.5y ago where we took a break, and after about 3 months we were both in a place where we were genuine friends. It was only later that he wanted more. Back then we didn’t do no contact, we just carried on with life. Didn’t hang out, didn’t speak so much but things got easier and a friendship grew. The difference there, though, was that he didn’t have someone whispering shit in his ear about me. I think she is just jealous and trying to make sure I’m out the picture but that can’t happen. I also would never take him back after all this, seeing him with a 19yo at his age has given me the ick so bad I’m not sure I can even look at him anymore, let alone want to be with him.
Any advice? Maybe not no contact in this situation? Thanks!
9 comments
The 19 year old here is not the problem. This guy sounds like a complete loser. Do what you have to do for the kid situation but otherwise keep your distance. No contact isn’t an option if you have kids together. The things he is saying to you about being gutted are nuts. Stop listening to this person.
Why is his GF around the kids already and making things difficult in your home? He ended things, why is he insisting on making things worse? Should’ve cheated with someone who at least have their own household. She has no reason to be there and whatever issues she has are not your or your kids’ concerns.
Limit your communication to the house and the kids. Kids mean you can’t go no contact. Find a way to get out of the situation. Includes legal advice and asking relatives for help. He’s not your friend, so be proper in documenting all everything, including when she’s bothering you. Include that he has apparently poor mental health and his solution is not therapy, but fucking randoms. You don’t have to look out for his wellbeing here, only for you and your kids. Don’t forget to change passwords on your devices. You share the household, but no longer all things.
Why are you trying to pin this on the other woman when HE is the one being a shitass?
Sounds like a midlife crisis moment. Except it’s not a real one for him. He’s just getting some small psycho ass to get his jollies. He doesn’t like her for sure if she’s acting spiteful towards you. He dug himself a hole and he doesn’t know how to get out and could be looking for help from you to get out.
Sit him down talk to him about his wants and get him into therapy asap otherwise he could serial out of complete control
>I won’t go into detail but when I say we are stuck here for the time being, I really mean it.
He has a girlfriend, he can go to her house. There’s no reason to have someone verbally abusive in your house in front of your kids, this is really going to fuck them up and I would definitely bring this up when it comes time to go to court for custody. They’re both unstable mentally.
When he says he misses you, tell him, “You have a girlfriend, go to her.” His emotional well being isn’t your responsibility. He decided that when he wanted to fuck a teenager.
> I won’t go into detail but when I say we are stuck here for the time being, I really mean it.
Go into detail, because this just looks like a lie you’re telling us to justify not making a change.
You can’t go no contact when you live with the other person and have kids together. Time to grow up and deal with your situation head on.
You can’t go no contact with someone you live with, period. It’s just not logistically possible. If you didn’t live together you could go to using one of those coparenting apps that track all communication in writing. But until you can live separately, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
Ignore the girlfriend beyond the most basic civility, she is not your problem. Keeping contact with your ex minimal, polite, and focused on the kids and your shared household is the way to go here.
Figure out what you have to do to move out, and spend your energy on that instead of on the new girlfriend.
Tell your Ex that if this crazy woman continues her antics with You, You will be forced to have HIM removed by child services for her attitude and QUITE possible ENDANGERMENT to You and the kids. That will get his ass moving to her place. Try playing carrot over the ass’s nose. There is no reason for such CHILDISH ABUSE. And NO WAY——Do not take him back and make plans as soon as you are able to get out.
When you live with someone you can’t go no contact, you can only stonewall them and give them the silent treatment. That’s generally not a healthy option.
I’m curious how you arrived at the idea of going “no contact” under these circumstances. It seems obviously impossible, so how did you imagine it playing out in practice? What communication did you plan to have, and how did you intend for the logistics of cohabitation and childrearing to work?
Are you thinking of trying to *grey rock* him, which is quite a different thing?
When, theoretically, *could* you stop living together, and what kind of relationship would you be okay with having until then? What boundaries can you draw? If he refuses to respect them, what recourse do you have?
Are the kids involved both of your kids together?