I need some outside perspective to sort through my feelings a bit. For some context, we’ve been together for 15 years (married 9) and have two young kids together. My husband is religious and I am agnostic.
Up until recently we’ve had mismatched libidos (mine low, his high) so I was always cool with him using porn as an outlet. In the last few years he’s become much more religious and has told me that he now believes using porn is the same as infidelity. I disagree, but I do believe that there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed (paying for OF, messaging/commenting on thirst traps, etc.). Purely viewing porn is fine.
In the last few months our sex life has been awesome, several times a week, way more fun than we’ve had in a long time. It’s been great. And I stupidly asked if he was still viewing porn since our sex life had really picked up.
And he said yes. I’m a bit blindsided by how hurt I am by his porn use considering I’ve been fine with it in the past but it mostly hurts that from his own perspective he’s cheating on me and continues to do so.
I guess I’m trying to reconcile that *I’m* ok with porn use yet *he* believes it’s cheating…so from his perspective he’s been actively cheating on me this whole time. I’m mostly just confused and not sure how to approach a conversation about it.
19 comments
You’ll have to set aside some time to talk about the relationship, and then ask, “Why do you use porn if you consider it cheating?”
Sounds like a typical religious, hypocritical, male chauvinist to me.
I mean just straight up ask him to explain it
“Hey remember that convo where you said porn is cheating but then you told me you still watch porn, can you explain that to me? I’m just trying to wrap my head around it. “
If it hurts you you’re not ok with it. That’s number 1. The fact you even asked shows you’re not comfortable.
Not sure why he considers porn cheating and then does it , that’s a question for him. You’d need to find out why he thinks it’s ok even if he feels it’s wrong.
So by his *own* definition, he’s cheating on you.
That’s where the biggest problem is. He’s just making up rules as he goes. You don’t seem to matter much in his decisions either way.
Also, if he thinks porn is bad, cheating, and against his beliefs, yet he’s still doing it….sounds like an addict right there.
I don’t see any benefits for a married man to watch porn or any other online adult content, unless he’s trapped in a dead bedroom situation.
Wow contradict himself any. Cold blood like wtf
A religious person trapped in a cycle of hypocritical shame and self-hatred!? WHAAAAAAAAAT!?!?!?
There likely isn’t any point in a conversation on this, because he’s not operating from a perspective of reason. I do not mean this as insulting, I respect religious belief, but it is fundamentally just not a thing of logic, it’s a thing of faith.
As a (fellow) agnostic, you just aren’t operating on the same framework of understanding reality that he is. There is no useful conversation stemming from that.
So ask him how HE reconciles it for himself. How is he ok with his consistent infidelity?
I wonder if he said that trying to keep YOU away from porn.
I mean if he said he views it as cheating and then found out you were using it, he’d have something to point at.
The irony, of course, is that he’s being a hypocrite and cheating on you. (By his own logic) 🤔
Definitely a conversation worth having.
rules for thee but not for me🙄 men
Hi! You can start but saying that now that your sex life is back on track, you don’t feel comfortable about him watching porn anymore and would appreciate him cutting it off. If he says he wants to continue, gets upset or anything close to that, you can ask him: Remember you even mentioned you considered it cheating? What made you change your mind? Why do you want to continue doing something that you know is hurting our relationship and me specifically?
Porn is cheating- Period! Lusting and getting off to someone else is the same as sleeping with them. It breaks the vows! It’s disrespectful! Porn /masterbarltion decreases your need for your woman. It kills your sex drive!
This is my post- not debating with anyone.
Talk to him! Protect your marriage at all cost! You take care of each other in all your sexual needs!
Odd to me that the ethical line you draw is paying creators for their work.
I wonder if he’s looking for reasons to stop because he doesn’t believe it’s right, but has difficulty stopping the habit. He might be in a shame spiral about it. He might use porn to soothe himself when he doesn’t know how to deal with stress. If he’s saying it’s wrong, yet continues to do it, there’s a deeper problem that he needs help with. Does his church have support groups for this? Would he consider therapy?
Kinda like homophobic closeted gay man. It’s not the action of fucking guys that is wrong. It’s the fact that they think it’s wrong and still do it.
Honestly I don’t think the main issue is that he’s watching it but that he views it as infidelity and still watches it. What if he got propositioned in the streets, would he accept? Where does he draw the line on the cheating he’s willing to do to the cheating he’s not?
Either way, it doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you in this scenario.
It’s odd because you’re okay with it but he’s not. There’s some deep-rooted issue that he needs to sort out on his own regarding this topic.
Also, there really is nothing wrong with viewing and “using” porn. It’s when it becomes compulsive and uncontrollable.. then it’s a problem. If anything, if your sex life improved because of it, great! It’s a tool.
You miss understood: you using porn is cheating.
It’s fine when he does it.