I [29F] just walked home and my husband [31M] is gone, left a note saying he needs to think some things over and isn’t responding

33 comments

1. Couples therapy. Communication is a tough skill to learn. It sounds like you are both not coming back to the table to discuss things with calmer heads.

   It takes some hard work sometimes, and it sounds like he’s taking some time and space to think, without your influence. Stop calling him, but you should have an idea of when this will end and communication will begin again. Can you call his mom, and just say that you understand, but need an end date, so to speak, so you don’t just sit and not know what’s going on..

2. If this really came out of nowhere I would consult a divorce lawyer on what your options are and be prepared for the worst. If all he needed was some cool down time then he wouldn’t be taking the cat, in my opinion. Somehow you need to get lines of communication open and figure this mess out.

3. Just give him the space he has asked for and lay off the contact for a little bit ringing and texting ain’t going to help. Yeah I know its easier said than done but I don’t think adding pressure is going to help, just let him come to you when he is ready and hopefully whatever the issue is can be resolved

4. Give him space but move some of that money if you can, not to spend but to have a back up plan.

5. I would consult a divorce lawyer just in case

6. Respecting his need for space is super important, when men feel respected they feel loved. He must be going through something, I would consider marriage counseling once he’s back. He could be going through an early midlife crisis.

7. Quit avoiding conflict. You call it “cooler heads prevail”, but It comes across more like avoiding conversations with any depth or difficulty. I sense he feels lonely and unseen. Leave him alone for now and do some self reflection. Best wishes.

8. Taking the cat doesn’t mean he’s not coming back. He might just want the cat with him because he plans to be away for more than a couple of days and he feels better when the cat is with him.

   But if you have no independent source of income, it may be worthwhile to check with a divorce lawyer, surreptitiously, to find out how to protect yourself, financially, if he doesn’t come back.

9. Consult a divorce lawyer. Also, take some of that money and start your own accounts, so that he doesn’t leave you high and dry. Start looking for work, too. Worst case scenario is that he’s not coming back, and you want to be ready.

   If he took the cat, he’s not coming back. Lawyer up.

10. UpdateMe!

11. It sounds like you have been valuing his concerns and feelings when you avoid the conflict. And he feels it never gets resolved. He’s been bottling up his feelings and now it’s burst.

    Give him space. But the next time he ever apprches be sure to really listen to him and show you listen to him.

    I worry because you don’t even clarify any of the issues you have been having.

12. You did not write down the problem between you and your husband. Don’t you know why you’re leaving?
    I think he is uncomfortable with your relationships and you are ignoring this discomfort.
    You said his family would take his side.
    If this is the case, you should find a lawyer.

13. Avoiding conflict is still conflict.

    You’re ignoring your partners requests to be seen/heard. You can’t just sweep things under the rug forever, it doesn’t work that way. I think you need to do some serious self reflection and go speak to him. Marriage is no place to be emotionally unavailable.

14. It’s incredibly frustrating when your SO is constantly avoiding conflict. He probably feels like his feelings are being dismissed. You should go to therapy and work on this.

15. Whether you reconcile or not, this is not a position you want to ever be in again. Schedule therapy for yourself, if there is room for self-improvement, now is the time to focus on it. Plan to become financially independent as soon as possible, and stay that way. You’ve called and texted 25 times, maybe more by now, stop it. He gave you a time line for how long he will be gone, show him that you are capable of respect and love in the absence of answers. Embrace your dignity without pride, if you find this difficult to do, remember that he is his own person before he is your husband, and his feelings are valid and true because he is experiencing them. When he reaches out, give him the opportunity to express himself without judgement or censor. Resist the urge to become dismissive, avoidant or defensive. I’m not saying become a robot, but it’s essential that you HEAR him and even more vital that he feels heard.

16. All that people telling you to talk to a divorce attorney are setting you up for failure. If he makes all the money and looks at the accounts, he going to notice when you pay a consultation fee to a law firm.

    Here’s a better idea that might save your marriage: give him the space he asked for AND, while he’s away, look into a cognitive behavioral therapist for a treatment regiment on conflict management. This may show him you realize the problem and want to take concrete steps to resolve it.

17. Lemme get this straight 4 years and none lf the kids are his… I think this may be the issue.

18. Let me be honest. From a male perspective, the fact that the first thing you mentioned in you post is his social status as a provider raises flags… Is that all this man means to you? Is that what defines ‘a really good marriage’?

    I’d expect you to write how much he means to you, how much your kids love him etc.

    Why would you feel the need to check you bank account?

    I’d hate to fell like all I am to the people I love the most is an ATM, wouldn’t have it even for a day.

    Good luck

19. He stated the problem quite clearly. If he has problems and an argument comes from this, you avoid it. Do you bring those avoided subjects within 4 days? Or tell him, I’ve got no energy or brain space now, but can we talk about it this weekend? That’s how you should deal with not wanting conflict, all the while still dealing with the problem. Big problem in maintaining a healthy relationship if you can’t talk about the things that matter.

    Walking away like this all of a sudden is a bit of a dick move on his part. He doesn’t give you a chance to work on it. I bet it was a last resort for him. A big warning sign to you. He needs to work on things too. He needs to come to you with problems before they turn into an argument. That way, they’re less stressful for you, but the important things still get talked about. By the looks of it, he bottles up frustrations and when the cork pops, the discussion starts as an argument. That’s what he can do to help you to talk about important matters. Don’t lead with this though. First show you see his problem and count it as your problem and that you want to work on it. Then you can say, changing this is going to be hard and you really want to, but maybe he can help you get better at this, by coming with problems sooner, so that they’re not so emotionally load yet. And then really work on it. People suggested therapy. Might be a good thing. Avoiding conflicts to the extreme (your marriage is suffering from this), might be easier to solve with the help of a neutral third party that also happens to be a professional.

20. Don’t worry, he just left to buy some milk. He’ll be back soon

21. > been married 4 years this August

    > stay at home mom of two **children from a previous marriage**

    > he works for an oil & gas company, **makes good money**

    > always taken good care of me and two children that while biologically are not his

    > I looked at **our** bank accounts and all the money is still there in our checkings and savings

    > **I do not have a job and have no income**

    > The **house is in both our names**

    > **I don’t want to do something** that is hasty or reckless

    What is he getting out of your marriage? I am curious because in your post everything revolves around you and your children.

22. you’re not really saying anything here, you’ve just mentioned yeah we argue and i’m calm. that means even here you avoid to address what even is going on or le to this. you probably wanted to just paint yourself in a good light and get an echo chamber of what a POS he his for leaving his ‘family’.

    my assumption is it takes a lot for a guy to abandon his ‘family’ like this. you need to take a more critical look at your self.

23. Looking at your post, I’d say you’re more concerned that you might’ve lost your meal ticket than your husband.

    You haven’t said one thing about him other than that he likes to work through problems while you like to run. Everything else has been about what he provides for you and your children. What do you offer him in this relationship?

    Hopefully, he’s realized he’s being taken advantage of.

24. This post honestly screams red flags. Not about him, but sadly about you.

25. What do you give back to him and the relationship?

26. Do not take that man’s money from those accounts, as others have stated. You don’t contribute anything to that marriage so don’t take anything from and I’m not talking only monetary things.

    I used to be just like you, wanted to cool off so I didn’t say anything I’d regret but my husband wanted to talk about things then and there and he felt dismissed. That needs to change. He already gives so much, why not give him the emotional things that he needs?

27. This man is supporting you and two children that are not his. You don’t have the decency to listen to him and hear him out. You treat him like an emotionless ATM that is not worth your concern and worry. He is not your father , he is your husband- therefore you need to share his burdens and concerns. You are nothing but a leech. Also , you need to give him the space he asked for. Once again you are not listening and bombarding him with calls. Honestly, you are clueless and selfish. I hope he dumps you , your only concern when he left was the money and the bank accounts. What the fuch is he getting out of this marriage?

28. Sounds like you’re worried about your meal ticket.

29. OP I’m still waiting to see you reply to comments but in the meantime I wanted to add something else that i didn’t mention in my previous comment..

    OP, i had a friend like you once. She called herself “traditional” and firmly believes that a man should support his wife and children alone, and also like you she had kids (3 of them) walking into a new marriage. Once that marriage had problems she would blame it on her husband and say how he doesn’t hold the same values as her and he shouldn’t he upset about her spending money or shopping or going for lunch with her friends (spending his money to do so). She believed that she was entitled to spend whatever whenever, and that her husband is – (I have to quote exactly what she said one time which completely floored me) – “is supposed to treat her like a goddess cause it says so in the bible”. I almost lost it. There’s a reason we aren’t friends anymore and this is tied into it. Some people bring nothing but baggage into a relationship and marriage and don’t really give alot they just take take take and when the giver says something about it.. they are gaslighted and are made to look like the bad guy when truth is they are just fed up being an unappreciated feeder/atm. I’m not trying to attack you here, it may just be how you typed your post.. but as my previous comment said..

    Red flags. Not from him, but sadly from you.

30. What did you argue about? It seems like he might have some problems in your relationship that you don’t want to argue about. For him it looks like you try to avoid these topics and if he thinks youre not willing to work on these problems he might see his future out of this relationship better

31. Yeah, so you live at his house, don’t work, no income, spend your time rearing children that aren’t his. He had expressed that you show very little interest in solving issues in the relationship.

    I think he’s having a very understandable ‘what the fuck am I doing here’ moment.

32. 1. Give him space

    2. Get a job

33. he told me: “Sometimes I feel like I can’t tell you things are bothering me because you don’t seem interested in solving those things,” and we talked for a bit and he seemed happy.

    You’re very avoidant and no partner wants that. Stop with the “I’m non confrontational” and learn to actually communicate. Not everything has to be a fight or screaming. You can have a conversation/discussion calmly.

    What can you? Leave him alone until he’s ready to talk to you. Get better at communication. Maybe you should speak to someone to see why you’re avoidant as well. I know kids don’t make you mature, but you have two kids and a husband, act like you have some sense.