Hi everyone,
As the title suggests, my (24F) husband (28M) is unemployed. We have been together almost 7 years and married for one. He has consistently had jobs in that time up until May of this year.
At the end of May, he had mental health problems and quit his job. He was on FMLA for it. He ended up quitting the job as he and his doctor had come to the conclusion that that was the cause of his anxiety and depression. This was in late august/early September. Since, he has been on medication and seems himself again and says how happy he is. He has taken up doordash to help make ends meet, as we had compiled a good amount of debt while I was in college and we were working our way out of it prior to him quitting. Since quitting, the bills have piled and I simply can’t cover everything with just my job (I’m an accountant at a Big 4 accounting firm). Thus, credit cards have been our “out” but have only made things worse (I know— big shocker).
Since the end of august, he has probably doordashed 5-6 times total and made a small fraction of what he promised. Almost every day, all day, he sits at home and plays video games (mostly League) and watches streamers. He also does very little housework. I, however, work very long hours, so when I come home and see he’s done nothing, I think I start to resent him. At first I supported him and wanted to help him, but after many talks, I’m not sure what to do and nothing changes.
I’m in major debt and it’s getting worse. The house is a wreck, I’m tired, and we haven’t had sex in over a month (this has been the norm for ~4 years). I genuinely don’t know what to do at this point. It sounds crazy to set a date and say “hey if you don’t have a job by x date, I’m leaving you”, but I really don’t know another logical solution? I love him SO much. He’s my best friend and I know he loves me and he does very sweet things for me every day. But I feel like I’m married to a teenage boy at this point I guess? And moreover, I’m feeling myself getting angrier and angrier and I know I’m not being very kind to him at this point.
I’m so young and I don’t want this to be my life. I want to live in my means, pay off my debt using the snowball method, and just be able to breathe again without this significant stress. I simply wish he would get any job at this point, one where he doesn’t make his own schedule that he obviously won’t abide by.
Sorry this was so long. TLDR; the title says it all. Please let me know what your thoughts are. I need help/to at least feel heard.
EDIT: i want to make it clear that this isn’t something I’ve just been festering over for months myself. We have very open communication and I’ve expressed the severity of the issue and its toll on my mental health for well over a month now. I also was the one who scheduled his Dr appointments and psychology appointments and help talk him through the anxiety to go (because I know that’s hard, I struggle with mental health as well). I don’t believe in just quitting marriage. But I also don’t know when to draw the line after communicating for so long (Ie, it’s been over a month of communication. Do I stop at 2? 6 months? Once my credit score drops to X level?) Basically, divorce is not what I want. I want to help him and will gladly take suggestions to do so. However, I don’t want it confused that im just angry and haven’t told him how I feel/don’t understand the severity of which mental illness can reach
12 comments
What’s wrong with saying “honey, you *must* get a job?”
Is he actively taking care of his mental health? Does he have any sort of plan besides the occasional Door dash?
Does he know how much stress this is causing you?
These situations are difficult because you want to be sensitive to a person’s mental health but at the same time, life does pause for that. It sounds like you need to tell him that things need to change asap or this isn’t going to work. Together, you should work up a plan to get things back in order.
Promises and good intentions don’t keep the lights on.
Apologies don’t pay the bills.
Backrubs, flowers and chocolates aren’t enough for you anymore; you need an equal partner and instead you have a burdensome manchild to support. He’s dragging you down with a smile on his face, destroying your life with every unemployed sweet gesture as he digs the debt deeper and deeper.
Maybe he can fix himself but you can’t be responsible for that. He needs to do it on his own.
A drastic immediate change is necessary; forget about ultimatums and deadlines, they only prolong the inevitable.
Make a change right now. Maybe that change is leaving him, maybe it’s selling the house, separating, I don’t know. But a change has to happen now or this will keep happening.
My wife and I went through this recently. I was the despondent one. Drowning myself in weed and any scraps of dopamine I could. But there was a person deep inside there trying to crawl back. She did push me to get help, number 1. I got on Lexapro and went to a psychologist for about 10 total visits. It all really helped and we are back to normal, I have a job I like again and 8 am proud of the degree I got during the pandemic, rather than feeling it was a mistake. You may think he is just using this as an excuse to play league but you have to remember that people go to creature comforts when they are depressed. He needs to take accountability but it’s not going to happen overnight. I hope your husband gets the help he needs, not for you, but himself.
He is struggling with mental health, but I would say it is a sign of a lack of respect towards you that he is allowing you to hold all the burden of responsibility for bringing in the income and then doing all the housework on top of it.
I don’t think you are wrong at all for an ultimatum. Does he realize how much this is hurting you and stressing you out?
There’s a very fine line between supporting our partners and enabling them.
You need to find where that line is for you.
For myself the line would be when he stopped actively trying to work on himself and grow. Spending the day playing video games is not improving anyones situation.
It’s ok to draw that line and it’s ok to leave when that line is crossed. You are young, is this the person you want to raise kids and grow old with?
Many people suffer from mental health and it takes effort and work to manage it and also function in life. It is not an excuse to sit around, not work and play video games while your partner kills themself to make ends meet. I suffer from anxiety/depression which his something that ***I*** have to manage; I don’t dump that on my husband and wash my hands of it. That’s not fair to him and it’s not fair that your spouse is doing that to you.
he needs to get to therapy and find a way to manage his mental health while being a contributing partner. Sit him down and IMMEDIATELY discuss the severity of this and the repercussions….do NOT put your financial future in jeopardy any longer.
If this were me, it would 100% be a dealbreaker and grounds for divorce if he didn’t remedy the situation asap.
You need to have an initial consultation with a family law attorney to see what you can do so you are no longer responsible for any debt from your husband, how to separate your finances quickly, and determine if you will have to file for bankruptcy,. Additionally, to find out what could be your obligation to support him for a finite period of time were you to divorce.
First thing I would do was take the router to work with me.
You can help someone who won’t help themself. He is not doing anything to help himself. To make things even worse he is driving you into huge debt.
It’s time for a Come to Jesus meeting- mental health or not!
This would definitely be a dealbreaker for me but you have to have your own line in the sand.
Cut up the credit cards. Change your online passwords. He will need to do without until he works for it.
I am going through the same thing after 35 years of marriage there is nothing wrong with him, he just refuses to work he has 5 credit cards max out and I was paying everything working 7 days a week 12 to 13 hours a day until I got hurt now I am on permanent disability and he still refuses to get a job .. he wants me to sell my house to live in I don’t know what!! I work so hard for my house..I need to see a lawyer I think right now I am at the end …. he made me hate him !!
You don’t have tingive him a deadline, but you do have to give yourself a deadline. How long will you let yourself be treated this way?
My ex husband went through the same decline, but we had kids before it really manifested. I had to realize he didn’t care about contributing to the wellbeing of me, our kids, our house, or our life, and so I decided he didn’t need to be a part of it.