This is an odd situation I’m sure, but I’ll try my best to explain it. I (21F) still live with my family, but travel a lot to visit my long distance boyfriend (23M) as he gets free flights. I’m usually there for a few weeks at a time since we want to spend more time together before moving in together next year. Because of a lot of planned events, I’ve been flying to see him pretty often for the second half of the year.
Here’s where my issue comes in: my family isn’t happy about me travelling a lot. I think an underlying issue is that they don’t like that I’m only home for a few weeks at a time now when I used to be with them all day, every day. I’ve tried talking it out with them, but they won’t try to understand it from my POV. But it’s become another issue entirely when it comes to flights. They keep complaining about taking me to the airport.
The airport is about 10 minutes down the road from my brother (38M). I stay with him a lot normally since we just like to hang out, and so he always offers to let me stay here when I need to fly out the next day too. Every time, I try to book an Uber, and he tells me not to book it, that he wants to take me instead. The times he couldn’t take me and I went to book an Uber, my parents insisted that they take me instead because they don’t trust Uber drivers. I really appreciate them taking me to the airport and I tell them that every time. But I’ve recently heard them and my brother complaining about dropping me off and picking me up.
They said they’re tired of driving me there all the time and that they feel like they have to plan around it. But I never asked them to take me. I always try to book an Uber and they always insist they drive me instead. I feel like it’s unfair to always be made to feel like a burden for it, since I never ask them to take me in the first place, but I do.
Of the last few times I’ve flown, two of the times I only flew home for one week before another event I had to fly back for because my parents demanded that I come home before the next event. Then they were mad that they had to take me back to the airport, when again, I offered to Uber. They knew I had to be back for the next week.
I’m not really sure what to do. Should I just call an Uber anyway and hope they don’t make a big deal of it, or accept their offer to drive me and know they’re talking about me behind my back?
TL;DR: I fly a lot for events my LD bf and I plan. My family insists on driving me to the airport instead of Ubering and then complains that they had to drive me to the airport (usually behind my back). Two of the times they complained were when they demanded that I fly home for one week, knowing I had an event to go to with him the next week. Should I start calling Ubers anyway or still let them drive me?
5 comments
Your parents and family are over-involved in your life. Moving out would help, but assuming you can’t- stop telling them everything and just do things. “I’m heading out to catch my uber to the airport! bye!” stop telling them when events are, just tell them the dates you’ll be gone.
Instead of broadcasting when you need to go to the airport, thus making them feel guilty if they don’t offer the ride, just book the Uber and go.
I don’t think you have to do anything.
Imagine for a moment that you offered the little old lady next door to knock on your door whenever she comes home with groceries so you can help her bring them in.
Then, after a while, you are talking to your parents and you are saying “ugh… whyyyy does she go SO many times a week” and “she always buys Soooo much milk!!” And “she always knocks at the worst times!”. That’s just witching and complaining.
Now – if she overheard you, she would feel bad and would not want to knock on your door anymore. But it doesn’t actually mean you don’t want to do it. It just means that you are witching and complaining.
If they haven’t actually asked you to take less flights or find your own way to the airport – and they always insist on taking you – that’s on them. They are just witching and complaining and that conversation was not meant for your ears.
You are not responsible for managing the feelings of others when they have not asked you to change your ways or fix anything.
Stop letting them insist.
You’re planning on moving in next year with your boyfriend, who lives far enough away that you’re taking a plane to get there. Your family won’t be around to do and say stuff like this, and you will not be relying on or asking for them to do anything for you on a regular basis (at least not face-to-face). You will be leaps and bounds more separated and independent from them than you have ever been.
So start ramping up to that now. Make your own arrangements. They don’t have to like it. You may even hear them complaining that they’re no longer giving you rides even though they hate giving you rides. That’s their problem. I get that you’re young and you have never felt a high degree of independence from your family before, but you don’t have to get their explicit or implicit approval before you do such minor things.
I felt the looming cloud of my parents’ opinions on how I should do things until I was mid-20s. But once you enforce boundaries and make decisions for yourself without checking with them, you’ll be amazed and thrilled at how simple it can be.
If you don’t do this until basically forced to (once you’ve moved), it’s going to be a wild awakening for you at a time when so many other parts of your life are changing, too.