For context please read the post in my history.
But I’ll briefly explain again. My friends and I(m21) went to a lake house over a weekend, they had a drunken fourway and left me out of it. I was hurt I wasn’t included. My friends are Billy, Sarah, Kyle and Denise who are all 21.
The first week after it happened I was like a zombie. I was so hurt and humiliated, I didn’t even want to hang out with my friends. I don’t feel entitled to sex, I was just hurt I was left by myself while they were having this cool experience.
I shouldn’t have been as upset as I was, but I can’t help how I feel. Eventually my friends got worried about me and asked if I was okay. I was starting to get over it, but I just lied and said I was stressed out with some projects and papers. Sarah is my best female friend and she pulled me to the side at my dorm and said they knew I was upset about them hooking up.
I finally admitted it, and I said what I’ve been saying all along. She said they were sorry and knew I was upset when I left from the house for a few hours. Sarah said I shouldn’t take it personally, and it was just a drunk bit of silly fun. Also, that sex between us would have been awkward at best since we’re best friends. I said how wasn’t it awkward with everyone else and she said because they weren’t as close as we were.
She said it was just sex, and I should just get over it. I told her that I didn’t even bring it up and I wasn’t going to. I did ask her, if we all went to Coachella without her, how would she feel? She didn’t have much of a response, but she said that it’d hurt but would get over it. I told her that’s bullshit, she’d be pissed.
We went back and forth a bit before she decided to leave. She said don’t let this ruin a good thing, and just let it go. I reminded her again that I didn’t bring it up, she left. For what it’s worth, Billy said he felt like absolute crap about it, and has offered anyway to make it up to me.
So reddit, I’m asking, are my feelings valid? Is there something more sinister going on here? Should I drop my friends or just go low contact with them for a while? Or should I really just get over it, thanks.
Tl;dr: friends left me out of fourway, I was hurt but silent about it, friend says I should get over it and not considering how I feel
2 comments
Were you asleep or something when it happened?
As someone who has made some on the spot & poor decisions while drinking, I wouldn’t let this be the reason you drop a group of friends.
When you’re drunk, you aren’t really thinking things through beyond what’s right in front of you.
That being said… It’s 100% okay to feel the way you do. If I’m interpreting it correctly… it’s not the sex you’re upset about, it’s being the only one left out. So I would suggest telling them exactly that. Whether it was group sex or going out to do something & you left one person just standing outside, being the one person left out in a group of friends is a shitty feeling.
If they are understanding/empathetic to your feelings, I’d try to let this one go as your friends made a stupid (& insensitive call) while they were drunk.
Now, as for your best friend… it sounds a little like she was trying to make you feel better using a poor justification. And if she was trying to make you feel better then she may feel shitty for what they did to you & she didn’t know what else to say to make it better. Not handled well in my opinion, but this is why they say “live & learn”.
You’re valid for feeling the way you do. But hiding away & not telling them the real reason why you’re upset, waiting for them to bring it to you…. while I understand it to an extent, it’s better to to confront it head on & be honest that they hurt your feelings by leaving you as the one person out when you were all there together.
Ultimately, you know your friends better than anyone here… if this is a group of friends (real friends) that you value, I would suggest you have a calm conversation with them that it hurt to be the one person left out, regardless of the activity. And if you’ve done that, and they apologize, empathize with that.. I’d say you should try to move past it.
In the future, if they do something like this to you again… then it’d be time to distance yourself from them & perhaps re-evaluate the friendships. But if this is a one time occurrence…. & they apologize for making you feel left out… try to forgive them, as everyone makes mistakes.
I know if I made a mistake (esp a drunk mistake) that accidentally really hurt a friend…if I apologized and genuinely meant it, I’d be grateful for their forgiveness.
And who knows, maybe in 10-15 years time this will be nothing but a small anecdote from the past that you guys all laugh about together.