My bf is a 25 year old fella. Of course he wants to be out with his friends!
I’ve talked to him about spending more time with me but we lack common interests or hobbies so he’ll usually come home at 11 after hanging out with friends, he will take a shower and do his night-time whatever and by the time he’s done it’s midnight and I *need* to sleep.
How do I make him *want* to spend time with me? What can I do to compete with his friends for his attention? I don’t like cars or raves and that’s most of what he’s into right now. I’ve tried to get into them but when I try to learn about it it’s like I can’t seem to retain anything.
I don’t want to pitch a fit and force him to come home sometimes but it would sure be nice if he chose to come home to me sometimes. Like once or twice a week at least, and because he *wants to* not for my sake. How do I make myself better to be around?
TL;DR! How do I make my bf want to be around me?
27 comments
You shouldn’t feel like you have to make your boyfriend want to be with you.
I think you should talk with him and tell him how you’re feeling
If you don’t have any common interests or hobbies then you are not really suited to be a couple. You should break up and find someone that actually cares about you and wants to spend time with you.
You can’t make him. You’ve brought it up and it’s now up to him to decide whether to make you a priority or not.
I admire your efforts to take an interest in the things that he’s doing but you shouldn’t have to change who you are to try and compete for his attention.
If you’re not happy with the current situation, and he’s not listening to you, then it might be time to end the relationship.
“I want to find someone who actually likes spending time with me. To that end, I think we should break up, so I can find them.”
You shouldn’t have to **force** someone to spend time with you. You shouldn’t have to **beg** someone to spend time with you, especially your bf. If he can’t see the importance in that, even for 2 night; rethink this relationship and if this is what you want.
Have you sat down and tried to come up with hobbies to do together?
You also can’t **make** anyone do anything. If you have to **make** someone spend time with you, then they dont genuinely want to spend time with you. His actions are speaking loud here. He’s choosing his friends over you, and now you want to compete with them for his attention. That’s not healthy relationship.
Sounds like you’re more of a room mate and fuck buddy than an actual partner.
You can’t make him want to spend time with you. If he doesn’t do this automatically then you’re probably not compatible as you want different things and he isn’t invested in the relationship as much as you are.
It is a fact of Life that you cannot MAKE anybody do anything. The closest you can come is arranging variables so as to INCREASE the PROBABILITY that a person might do something.
However, in order for such an approach the object of the exercise needs to be Intellectually, Emotionally and Physically present. Your guy is NOT.
THAT is the question you want to discuss with him. In a relationship, partners trust that each other is a priority to the other. If you are NOT a priority you need to find out……fast….why that is and what…..IF ANYTHING….CAN BE AGREED UPON ABOUT IT.
Good Luck.
Does he know that he’s your boyfriend? Because everything in your post sounds like he’s a roommate that you have a crush on and you’re trying to get him to like you.
Move on. Look for someone who wants to be with you.
>How do I make him want to spend time with me?
I’d probably start by dating someone who wants to spend time with you without you needing to convince anyone of anything.
You can’t make him. He has to WANT it and he clearly doesn’t. It seems you two are incompatible. I hate to be that person, but maybe you guys should split
You find someone else that actually gives a shit and tell your boyfriend to go fuck himself.
What kind of relationship is this where you have 0 common interests and don’t spend time together…?
Have some self respect.
Plan something you both might enjoy. A day trip somewhere or some other activity. Dinner and a movie. “Boyfriend, I’m planning a date for us next Saturday. I’d really like to spend the day doing…. with me. How does that sound?” If he can’t be bothered to spend a day with you then you have a choice to make.
You don’t… he should be spending time with you on his own. The fact that he doesn’t and has nothing in common with you means this isn’t gonna work out.
Have you tried developing common hobbies together? My girlfriend and I have a lot in common, but we developed some common activities that we enjoy doing together, and have cultivated those together over the years.
He is your bf not your crush. Why do you have to struggle to get his attention or compete with his friends over it?
Has he made any efforts towards finding common hobbies that you both can enjoy? Is he feeling the same way your are feeling about this situation? Have you ever discussed this with him?
My partner and I also don’t have a lot of interests in common, so sometimes I don’t feel like seeing them because I want to do my own thing. But we find new things none of us has done so we can try them together. Recently we made a list of things we would like to try and it’s working really well, maybe this can be an option for you!
We also love to hear each other talk about our respetive interests. I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my partner couldn’t give two shits about Star Wars, but they say they like to hear me talk about it because my passion for it is endearing. If you think his car and rave talk is boring, you could try bringing up new subjects to see if that’s something he would like to talk about.
But the most important thing to do before trying any of this is having a conversation with him about this situation and how you feel, because he has to want to improve together or he will be just waisting your time.
So you don’t like anything he likes, live on completely different sleep/wake schedules, feel the need to compete with his friends; and expect uim to what, give up what he enjoys to sit and do nothing near you?
Why are you two together I’m so confused
Let me say at the outset: I’m not saying do anything to make him jealous.
However the most effective way is for you to go and have fun with your friends, ideally in a place where men could be present. Being out of his view has even been shown to increase his sperm count, that’s how old that mechanism is!
You talk about what he likes to do, but not about your life. Go and have some fun with the girls or whatever and that will soon get his attention. Basically right now he knows you’re going to be there whatever so he’s hardwired not to worry. Without actually doing anything dodgy, you can get his primitive brain parts to activate by being out and about without him.
Honey… he should want to spend time with you on his own… why are you dating someone you seem to have 0 in common with?
The right person will find balance between hanging out with his friends and spending quality time with you, you don’t need to compete for his attention and you do not need to be better for him, you need to find someone better.
Find someone who loves being with you. My wife and I have different interests, but we are always together doing something. He’s not meeting your needs emotionally.
If he loves you, you wouldn’t have to make him do anything
If a man doesn’t want to spend time with you it because he’s simply not interested in you. Nothing you change will make him change. All you will end up doing is invading “his” time trying to force his hobbies on yourself.
At some point the excuses have to end. Aren’t you tired of feeling drained and disrespected by the person who should have your back?
We hold onto the potential of someone so strongly that we can go through life completely disregarding whether or not they actually want to be the person you believe they can be. We tell ourselves they will be better, that we will make them better, but we never question why we have to be the ones to obligate ourselves to push them into doing something that comes so naturally to ourselves.
Stop questioning yourself while you know his actions are making you suffer. You know you deserve better and you have the rest of your life to explore that.
My man likes a lot of space and it’s something I have to respect, knowing it’s not personal, even though I want to spend all my free time with him. You need to figure out if it’s something you want to deal with or if you need more. Find something you both like and can do together. However, if you feel like he generally doesn’t want to spend time with you and he doesn’t make up for it in some way, that’s not a good sign!
you cannot force this, and you are learning that bf is still immature and you are not. this is why I never dated guys who were in their 20s when I was. I dated guys in their 30s or 40s.
OP, stop internalizing this. why do you need to make yourself better to be around?
problem is he is living extended teenhood.
stop having sex with him, and start living your own life. see what happens. Right now, he’s getting things his way.
Umm. If a guy doesn’t spend time with you, or doesn’t even want to spend time with you, he ain’t all that interested in you. Sorry girl, he doesn’t really want you. And maybe just maybe you should want a man that wants to spend time with you without asking, begging or without ultimatums. Break up and move on.
This post and your last post about him.. you say you dont share the same sense of humor, same interests or hobbies. That you are never both having fun at the same time because so different. That if you weren’t dating, you guys wouldn’t have anything to talk about and wouldn’t hang out. That date night feels like a chore vs something you look forward to. And now asking how to make him spend time with you vs his friends and other interests.
Is this an arranged relationship or something, this all sounds like two people going to a restaurant even though they both know they hate everything on the menu.