My boyfriend and I always ask each other “do you want comfort or solutions?” when it comes to venting about our problems to each other. I’m usually pretty good about being able to do both, but my boyfriend seems unable to ever give me comfort. I ask him to just listen to me and provide constructive feedback and that I don’t want him to fix my problems, but every time, I wind up talking to a brick wall of “oh that sucks” “okay” “damn.” This doesn’t help me at all, and I’m just wondering how I can show him how to comfort me more effectively. The ways that I’ve told him just don’t seem to work for him. Maybe there’s just something about him or men in general that I need to understand myself. I don’t know, but I do know that I need help.
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>The ways that I’ve told him just don’t seem to work for him.
What have you told him?
What sort of comfort are you seeking?
> I ask him to just listen to me and provide constructive feedback and that I don’t want him to fix my problems
This seems like a very precise needle you want him to thread
Don’t look just accept
There’s such a fine line between “constructive feedback” and trying to “fix” a situation that you can’t really expect it of someone without a Psych degree. But since it seems you and he have had conversations about the difference between listening and fixing just use your words to explain yourself. Maybe something like, “I’m going to tell you about something that upset me at work. I know there are no solutions so I’m just asking you to sit there while I talk”. Speak your expectations so he knows which kind of conversation this is going to be.
Listening and providing constructive criticism are difficult to deliver when you have to walk around eggshells trying to not “try and fix your problems”
Constructive feedback and “fixing” the problem are practically the same thing
Maybe try to shift what you communicate from venting to actually telling him you want to be comforted
He seems like a straight man! Tell him to act like a gay white man trying too hard to be a black woman whilst you spill your tea. He should understand that 🙂
Nah but for real though, just tell him “I’m bout to spill some tea about this bitch at work today” and try to use more body language. Get aggressive with the body language, express everything you felt about what he/she/they said or did. You’ll feel better while doing it and he might a little more interactive. Just add a little extra bubble/pep to what and how you’re expressing yourself. Everyone likes when people act a little ghetto sometimes… but not all the time 🙂
Does he ever hold you while you cry. Like when your more upset and sad does he at least try to comfort you, or is it just when you’re kinda mad about something and you want to vent?
You’re dating an avoidant. Run. You are doing emotional labour, honey
It sounds like you want him to ask more follow up questions. Perhaps you want him to seem more engaged?
It does not sound like you actually want “constructive feedback”; I think you may be using that term a little incorrectly.
I’m not confused about what you’re needing from him. I just want to say that what you’re looking for could probably better be found in a close female friend.
You want to tell him about what’s going on in your internal world and to have him reciprocate genuine empathy and probably even banter back and forth with you about it.
He can’t do that for you. I don’t know many males that have that ability besides my best friend.
I realized very quickly in my past relationship that my partner wasn’t going to be able to do that for me. If it doesn’t come naturally to him, brick wall is what you’re gonna get.
Talk to your friends girl
>. I ask him to just listen to me and provide constructive feedback and that I don’t want him to fix my problems.
I don’t even know what you want from what your wrote. You want him to not fix your problems but also give you feedback on how to fix your problem? This poor guy is probably floundering.
Some people just aren’t naturally good at comforting
If you tell him that you want him to engage in conversation, that means 1. Listen 2. Ask questions 3. Show empathy and he doesn’t…this situation is beyond you. Getting someone to open up/ and express themselves is a therapists job, not yours.
I think you’re probably too young to stay with someone who doesn’t validate you, someone who doesn’t know themselves and therefore could never know you.
We men are simple!
You have to tell us what happened and what you need.
We usually can’t read mind. If your upset, then just tell him and ask him to comfort you.
Tell him to talk to you about what’s bothering you.
That’s all.
Wish y’all the best.
semper fi
It sounds like you and your boyfriend are having the same struggles that my wife and I are having. I don’t think it is so much a concern of missing conversation as it is missing emotional connection and support.
He and I both grew up in an environment where we did not have to learn how to build emotional connections so he is in foreign territory. The real question you need to be able to answer is: “How do I get him to engage in a way that makes me feel emotionally supported and connected?” Some of that may be through better conversation, but some of it can also be non-verbal. When you are upset, are there things other than holding you that he can do in order to help comfort you? Are there things he can do or get you that shows you he care about you? Women tend to have stronger social skills so they build relationships through conversation. Men don’t operate on the same level. We talk to exchange information, but relationships are built through action like doing things with or for somebody. He needs coaching just as I do, but sometimes understanding how he functions may also help you see some of the other things that you might not otherwise recognize.