Hear me out. I (over 30 F) am not trying to be a woman who dislikes other women, I don’t feel like I’m in competition with them etc. I used to have fun with many of my female friends individually, I just simply hate participating in activities with the whole “group” that has somewhat recently formed (about 8-10 girls total). It seems like that’s the only type of hangout they are interested in anymore- I am married and don’t have much fun going out and spending money without my husband, but even those in the group with SO’s never seem to want to include them in anything, and they love to plan expensive girls trips. These are never fun for me- there’s always a lot of drama and everything is weirdly complicated, from being 2 hours late getting ready to splitting up the restaurant bills unfairly. The girls also want to hang out at least every other week, and guilt me if I dont make it – this is just too often for me to leave my husband at home; when we hang out with his friends, I’m always included so this feels unfair to me. My problem is, it seems I can’t have any of these old individual friendships without participating in this big group dynamic constantly, and I have nothing in common with at least half the group. Nobody ever wants to meet me for a double date or even just one on one- I feel like I have no real friends now, just a big group where I’m anonymous and nobody cares about my opinions or preferences. Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and what you did about it.
Edit: thanks so much to everyone who commented. It is honestly a lot kinder response than I expected, I think in my heart I feel guilty for wanting to break off as I’ve never intentionally made a decision to end a friendship before and part of me feels like it’s selfish and will hurt people’s feelings. Also as people have pointed out, I’m sure there could be similar dynamics in groups of males but from what I’ve experienced there’s a lot less pressure with guys- for example, it causes me a lot of stress that everyone is expected to exchange birthday and Christmas presents every year, and there are just so many to remember that once I forgot someone’s and was chewed out. I can’t see that happening to my husband.
31 comments
Are you sure you actually like your friends?
You and your friends unfortunately no longer match and vibe as you once did. Explain to them in an appropriate tone that you live a different lifestyle, being in a different life phase, so you’ll be up for the formats you enjoy, and others you will pass on because they’re not your thing.
It’s also probably good to try and find couples to do double dates with, if it’s important enough to you.
Sounds like the giant “popular” girl groups in high school where no one actually likes each other
This is just one particular ladies’ group that you don’t seem to have any close one-on-one friendships with. I suspect some of them DO have one-on-one stuff with each other, but as you pointed out, your close friends have moved away so now you’re stuck on the periphery.
The solution is expanding beyond this group. I don’t know that you need to completely burn this bridge, but I’d downgrade them to occasional casual friends. No more annoying trips!
It’s not just you, I also realised a long time ago that groups aren’t for me, I like my social life being more occasional, intimate friend “dates” with one person at a time, where I can focus on them and the activity we’re doing and we can have more in depth chats. Parties and larger hangouts are fine but extremely rare for me to agree to
I was part of a mom group on my street. They would get together and have girls nights which basically was drinking wine while bitching about literally everything under the sun. So toxic and they all fed off of each other’s negativity. It wasn’t for me and I had to distance myself. Still friendly but from afar.
One thing that stood out to me was you mentioning you couldn’t have individual relationships without the entire group being present in some form. I have been in those “groups” before and often times is a circle jerk purely fueled on gossiping, complaining, and cattiness. I was a part of one at my prior job and while I wanted to have friendships with the girls one on one, it just wouldn’t and couldn’t work out like that. After I left my job, I stopped hanging out with them because it was a meetup of all the same things they complained about at my former job.
Sounds like you want more fulfillment out of your friendships, which I don’t blame you. I would slowly begin to phase out of that group if it is not something you want to participate with anymore.
No, I had the same thing happen. My group of girlfriends from my 20s just didn’t fit with my lifestyle in my 30s anymore.
I am curious – why is inviting your husband along so important? I’m not saying he should be shunned by your friends or anything, but it’s healthy to have some separate hobbies, friends and social activities.
Yeah I am not one for big groups, I get lost in the shuffle. It is hard to have a intimate conversation which is important to me.
I prefer to hang out with people one-on-one or in a very small group, group of 4 is ideal. If the gals you used to hang with are more interested in big groups it might be time to expand your social circle. Sometimes the seasons of life are different too. Some people I know have families of their own, some are married, some are single and going to bars, etc.
I hope you find a friend or two that is more your speed <3
I can somewhat relate. During COVID I had to distance myself from group activities with a certain group even though I had strong friendships with them previously. They also tend to spend more $ together (I’m in school still so it’s harder for me) & I find that as a whole they are culturally very different from me and my opinion and wishes are often lost or invalidated within the larger group. I also had to face that I was holding on to something I once really enjoyed but no longer served me, and have definitely reeled back on my attendance to things. It definitely hasn’t gone unnoticed but when I do show up to things, it’s because I want/decided to be there & have carved the time, $ and energy out to be there so from my pov I’m likely to be more positive and have a good time. The ones who get it get and the ones who don’t no longer fit into your circle.
Same. Sadly, it gets toxic. I keep girlfriends and maintain one on one friendships, but not girl groips anymore.
I find that giyd of the same age range are a better fit in terms of friendship/group things. No drama no complexities
I feel similarly. I made a few friends when I was 24, who were just turning 30. We partied a lot but once I turned 26, partying got a little boring to me and they were 32 and still doing the same thing. I felt like I couldn’t connect and sometimes had second-hand embarrassment.
I didn’t make any friends in college because I spent the whole time training in dance. It’s so hard when you’re older to find like-minded friends
It’s okay to outgrow your friends and move on to new ones. I’m going through something similar (not with an all girls group, but with a run club that I no longer want to be apart of). It’s always weird navigating a break up with a group, but I’ve kind of just stopped going to things and when someone guilts me, I straight up tell them that I’m pulling back from the group. If drama ensues, that’s on them. As for feeling like you have no real friends, I also get that. I moved during the pandemic and still feel like I’m trying to figure out who my friends are. But the journey to making new friends hasn’t been so bad as long as you’re willing to try new hobbies and meet people there! Good luck
Yeah, I’ve never been in such a group. Even in high school. I’m 28 now. My friends are all genders. I don’t think it’s girl groups in general. I think this group of girls just isn’t for you.
It sounds like you don’t enjoy being with these friends. So don’t.
Time to find friends who share your interests, regardless of gender.
They sound like a tiresome lot. Don’t waste your time trying to make yourself fit into a group that isn’t nourishing.
Use it as motivation to go explore something you are interested in/curious about.
I’ve met wonderful friends by indulging my curiousity and, equally important, not being too worried about whether I am great at things (especially in the beginning). Learning to knit, learning fencing, board game nights, social dancing like English contra bc you change artners every dance, wherever your interest takes you…
I absolutely am a woman’s woman but prefer smaller groups socially still. I have very close female friends but the biggest ‘group’ of us would make up maybe 3 at a time. They’re mostly separate connections from study or work. Sounds like you have outgrown your friends as others say. Doesn’t have to be a big deal, just phase out. I have tried ‘mum’ groups also and likewise didn’t enjoy them or rather struggled to keep up but I didn’t dislike them as people. Anyone who is drama constantly and feeds off of that is not the friend for me, even back when I was a teen. Between work and kids, I’d rather any time I spend socially have meaning and be with people I can turn to in time of need, than be with people I don’t really know.
The older you get the less appealing groups are.
At 30 we had a ton of “friends”. At 40 we had a handful of close friends. At 50… We are looking to move to North Dakota and buy 150 acres of land to avoid people at all cost.
Embrace getting older and being comfortable in a smaller circle. . It’s good to have a close friend or two that you don’t “HAVE” to see but once a month or so. However, hanging w people you have no interest in, only to be disappointed afterward, is not worth your time.
I would venture that there’s another lady or two in the group that feels the same as you. Figure out the possibles and casually mention that this isn’t your favorite way to spend your much needed and well earned time away from the house. You may be surprised at those willing to splinter off with you.
Good luck and may you find what you’re looking for!
It sounds like you don’t dislike hanging out with girl groups, but you rather dislike the cult circle you’re in. Stop hanging out with them focus on growing your social circle with your husband perhaps since it seems you’re more comfortable hanging out when you’re together.
Seems like maybe you need to drop the girl group and find a group of women 🫠 I’m 30 also and even the female friends I have who are in their mid 20s don’t do this shit lmfao.
Then again most of my friends are queer and VEHEMENTLY hate the “exclude partners for no reason”/”I secretly hate my spouse and you should too” kind of mentality.
I agree but i like hanging out with my girl friends individually; just hate big group settings
there’s nothing wrong with girl groups in general or with your friends, they enjoy their activities and you don’t, yet *you* choose to keep going and resent them for it. you’re an adult and you’re free to say no, it’s not their fault you can’t. just stop going.
What exactly “drama” involves? Just being curious.
As a man, my problem is not having any male friends period.
I stopped girl groups in my teens
Are the others in this group in the same age group? This sounds like high school…
It sounds like these folx aren’t really friends to you -there might be some good ones you want to keep, but the rest just aren’t really doing it for you. Have you considered trying to do one-off get-togethers with the gals who feel like your peers?
Why are you still hanging out with a group that makes you feel this way? Is it because you don’t want to be alone?
This is exactly why I was glad when the mass exodus of gal pals happened when I had my first child. I hate hanging out with giant groups of women, and finding out that I truly had nothing in common with many of them other than obligatory social meetups was so freeing. It sucked at the time but now looking back… those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
So sorry to hear my friend. I recommend to try and find a different group of friends. You don’t have to necessarily end your current friendships but, become more and more distant as time goes on. Don’t let them guilt you into anything. You’re a grown woman who can make her own decisions and if you prefer time with your husband then spend more time with him or if you don’t feel like doing expensive trips/or going out then don’t.
Personally I believe it’s better to stick with your husband over a group of girls who seem to be a bit of a drag to be around. Never let people like that separate you from your husband.
Slowly drift form them and try to find some new friends. There out there trust me. Meet them through natural settings like through family, friends, work, church etc. wherever it may be.
I believe it’s great that you love your husband very much and seem to be more mature; that is important in relationship and of course you can always enjoy time with your husband, some of his friends, and when you find some new girlfriends. Honestly there’s nothing really wrong with being friends with your husbands friends anyway (as long as they’re not hitting on you behind his back)
Trust me remain a wholesome, fun, loving wife with good values and you’ll come across the right people. My mom says birds of a feather flock together meaning like minded people naturally meet and click with one another 😀 all you need is one good friend anyway
I never want to hang out with only women OR only men. I find both situations unpleasant. I either want to see one or two people at a time or a whole mixed group