I’m really lost and I would love some advice or help. I recently moved to a new city after doing a long distance relationship for many years with my current boyfriend. However, there has been a strain in our relationship due to his alcoholism. I’m currently in the medical field and attending a program for it currently. I’m living in a city in which the cost of living averages to about 2 grand a month. It’s very expensive. My boyfriend has been my support system financially, emotionally, and physically. I only get loans every semester that only equates to about 5 grand per month. To be honest, I use a lot of that money for necessities such as medical bills, personal hygiene and going out with friends to de stress from the program. I give my boyfriend about $500 a month but he has a very good job. I try to do as much house work as possible while he is out working 6 days a week, while also managing to study for exams, attending school, going to the hospital for clinical hours and taking care of our dog when home.
Although, I have been having doubts about his alcoholism. He likes to destress by drinking beers here and there throughout the week. Although, there has been times where he goes out without me and comes home completely wasted. When he is drunk, he tends to be in denial, sleeps on the floor and tries to initiate arguments with me out of nowhere. For example, tonight we went out for the first time where I got to meet his coworkers for the first time. He is their boss which is a different situation. However, he made a scene that one of the coworkers cousins that came was hitting on me and confronted the situation. I drove one of the coworkers back to their home while taking care of my drunk boyfriend. My boyfriend was in the car saying that he wanted to throw up, and when I pulled over, I asked him, “hey honey. I pulled over, do you need to puke?” And he said in the car with his coworker in the car, “can you imagine my girlfriend disrespecting me right now?” You could feel that the coworker could also sense that it was an inappropriate comment and didn’t respond.
Then when my boyfriend and I got home, he said out loud “wow I’m about to marry someone that is such a Democrat.” Meaning me. And I also heard my dog squeal very loud and I have never heard my dog squeal like that before. Then I saw my boyfriend try to get something out of his mouth. It made me think that he had bit my dog. My dog ran away to his bed towards the other side of our apartment.
What do you guys think?
TL;DR: alcoholic boyfriend treats me like a princess when sober.
6 comments
Nope. Dump him. As a wise person once said “drunk thoughts are sober feelings” because alcohol lowers your inhibitions and allows you to behave the way you ACTUALLY are. This will only escalate until it is constant and you will only feel like you are making more excuses for him. Dumb him before it gets physical
I was in love with an active, in denial alcoholic. It was hell. It’s not worth it. You’re always going to be in a three way relationship. You, him, and booze.
I know alcoholics who are not active drinkers, who have rehabilitated. Every single one of them will tell ya, it’s a long road to even get to the place you can start healing. The vast majority of them will never have another drink for the rest of their lives. Most of them had to get rid of everyone from their drinking days too, sadly.
You’re such a Democrat? What do you figure he meant by that? Is he like a super tribalist Republican or something? Idk I feel like making a weird political insult at your s/o is a bit of an orange flag at best…
Is your bf really an alcoholic? Is he dependent on alcohol to function? That term gets thrown around pretty loosely
I watched a friend of mine throw away her twenties waiting for her alcoholic boyfriend to get better. Instead he got worse and worse, with brief periods of promising everyone he would stop. As all our friends started to set boundaries and end their relationships with him until he got serious about treatment, she tried to leave but ultimately went back and lost those relationships too. She just sunk like she was in quicksand. He never got better, he’s almost 40 now and still a mess. She did leave a few years ago and had to start her life over.
Don’t get stuck in the quicksand. Go now.
I’ve been in active recovery for a bit more than four years. Firstly, I disagree with the statement that “drunk thoughts are sober feelings.” Maybe that’s true for social drinkers but not alcoholics. Alcoholics can do or say things drunk that have almost no connection with their sober self.
It’s really weird, but alcoholism is a disease that destroys choice where alcohol is concerned. I’m not making excuses for myself – I’m responsible for all of my life, including the alcoholic parts. But an active alcoholic (even a binge alcoholic) has no choice. An active alcoholic can no more stop drinking on their own than a schizophrenic can stop hearing voices. An active alcoholic can choose to get into treatment (just as a schizophrenic can choose to seek help, and take meds). But an active alcoholic cannot choose to not drink. It’s just not possible. The active alcoholic needs treatment and a lot of external support. Until they get those things, they cannot stop. They can promise and promise and maybe stay sober for few months. But in end they will crash.
A good book that might help you understand more is “It takes a family” by Debra Jay). If you decide to stay with bf for any length of time, it would also help you to go to Al-Anon. (AA is for alcoholics like me and your brother. Al-Anon is a different organziation for friends and family. You don’t have to commit to be a long term member to go to a few meetings and learn a lot about what you can (and can’t) do.
Look, I’m really sorry to be so cold, but I’m going to put out there that the outlook for your situation is pretty dismal. Of all alcoholics who get into treatment, about 10% achieve long term sobriety. And that’s if they ever go to treatment, which many don’t. If your bf doesn’t yet recognize his problem and feel the need for help, things are going to get worse and worse. I have great compassion for your bf – that was me – but unless something changes radically you need to cut the cord and move on. I’m so sorry, I know that sounds horrible, but sadly it’s just realistic.
Reach out if you want to discuss at any time.
I wish you and he the best P :/ Hang in there.
Can you go to an Al Anon meeting? That one is the support group for friends and family of alcoholics, it may help to talk to others who are in a similar position.