to start off, my mother is a few years from being 50 years old. i’m the only child and i’ve never had a father in my life and she never told me why either. i am 19, and run my own business and very successful social media pages.
when i was 15, i dated this guy from high school, he was 16. we lasted nearly two years, i was his first girlfriend. one time he was at my house and i was sitting next to him and my mother thought we were having sex, so she called me a w—-e in front of him. she hated him because he was white, and she thought he was “ slow”. so she would ban me from seeing him. we finally broke up because my mothers interference was just too much and he was verbally abusive and cheated. but my mom never knew any of this because i don’t tell her things anymore.
i dated someone when i was 17 and the guy was 19. my mother took a hating to him because she thought he was ugly and because he was broke and she just never liked him. which i understand. but she would always tell me “ he’s not the one for you. “ and she would drill it into my head. almost every week. i was never allowed at his house. we finally broke up. she would constantly rant about him to my aunt.
i was seeing this guy when i was 18 and he was 19. he used to invite me to his house along with some of his best friends and we played video games. one time, my phone was on silent and she had called and i didn’t hear it. when i called back, she cussed me out telling me to not sneak around , she called me a w—-e and a s—t and accused me of letting him f me up the walls. she would constantly say how much she doesn’t like him and she only met him 4 times.
i recently have been seeing this guy, i am 19 and he is 22. he treats me like a QUEEN. his communication is good, he’s respectful, holds the door , takes me on dates, makes a point to communicate with me every day. i truly think he’s amazing and that we’ll last long. i’ve met his mother, he’s met mine. last time we saw him, my mother told him that i am a spoiled brat and that i act so bratty. and she constantly says “ he’s not the one for you but i’m going to let you fall of your face by yourself. “ every time we go on dates, she’ll call me a few times and ask where i am. i think she thinks that i’m at his house , and if i was, it shouldn’t matter or be here business. i’m an adult.
it almost feels like she’s jealous. i know mothers “ want the best for the children” but i can make my own independent choices. she even has something negative to say about all of my friends too.
TDLR: i am ranting but also looking for advice. i’m tired of her pushing her negative opinions of people on me. i don’t have to date someone who fits her standards. i’m my own person.
13 comments
The dad thing is a big thing to me. Why don’t you know anything about that. I would have to think whatever is the issue with that is connected to this.
I was raised by my step dad and my bio dad left when I was young but I was always wondering about him and managed to find him a few times but eventually gave up on that relationship since I was the only one putting in effort. There was a period in my life from 16 to 17 where I spent hours and hours looking for him, found his place of work and then ended up emailing every email in the company asking for him. Turned out he didn’t work there anymore but someone had his new email and gave it to me.
I mostly mention this because even though I had an AMAZING step dad, I was always thinking about my bio dad and what he was doing, so you must really wonder why you don’t know anything about it?
It seems like your mom is very controlling and that would make me even more curious. In the end you will probably have to move out to get her to be less controlling tho.
Maybe it’s time to put some space between you and mom.
You need to move out (if you still live at home). Keep your private life private. Set clear boundaries of what you feel is appropriate behaviors, and when she crosses that line there needs to be consequences (“Mom, I told you not to speak ill of me in front of others, you did. I need some space to process this, please do not contact me for the next 2 weeks until I have time to re-evaluate our relationship.”) And stick to those consequences or you just reinforce the fact that she can act any way she wants.
Remember, your mother is as much a part of your life as you allow her to be. That can be zero.
Also, you are an adult. If you want to know who your father is, now is the time to press her on that information. Unwillingness to comply on her part can have consequences (as you see fit).
Your an now adult limit or cut contact with her she’s going to ruin your life if you let her. Also why would you want to be in contact with someone who calls you those things?
If you’re this successful and independent and an adult then it’s time to act like it and put some distance between you and your mother and throw the walls up. Severe any financial ties like a lease or phone plans and make sure you’re confident that you’ll be fine solo. It all be really hard. But you need to be free to live your life. She’s enmeshed with you and her creepy invasive questions into your sex lice are disgusting. “F you up the wall” what on EARTH? I would never speak to her again. That’s so gross.
Anyway, I am on team “You don’t have to let her speak to you that way, you don’t have to answer the phone.”
You should NOT let her speak to your boyfriend that way.
If she says “she’s such a brat” then you grab your boyfriend get up and say “won’t be talking to you until you apologise”, every single time she’s rude or contacts you put her on a time out and increase the length until you’ve gotten a full sincere apology for her (which probably won’t happen)
It is okay to say “I’m an adult. I’m going out. Either stop texting me or I’m blocking you for 24hrs” then if she texts block her “I’m blocking you and won’t respond for 24hrs” then do it, she’ll go nuclear. Let her. If she calls the police explain your mom is insane. You’re an adult.
Then extend it, next time it’s 48hrs then it’s a week, then it’s a month.
I trained my mother like this, although to be honest if she had said half the stuff your mother had said I would have gone straight to NC. No one calls me a W or a S..T, mine was more overbearing but meant well. Yours sounds much further gone. I don’t envy you. But want to remind you an abusive relationship is an abusive relationship, even if the person you’re in a relationship with is your Mom.
Stop telling her anything. Stop bringing boyfriends home. Start focusing on getting away.
Your mom has issues and baggage with men. It’s not about you, she’s projecting her fears and trauma. Keep calm and carry on.
In many countries she can’t do much about it.
If you’re not living at home date who you want and keep your mom away from your dating life.
If you do introduce guys to her tell them in advance what your mom is like and what she is likely to do.
But mostly I’d keep her separate as much as possible.
Best advice is to move on from Mom. If you live at home, move. if you don’t, stop sharing personal info. She has lost the right to meet your dates or advise you through her verbally abusive behavior. If a friend did that would you remain friends? Probably not. Don’t give her a pass. No one has the right to treat you that way. Ironic that she is judging boyfriends when she is so awful to you herself.
It’s not right, but a lot of parents struggle with letting their kids go/watching their kids grow up. Sometimes there’s an element of “no one is good enough for my baby.” Sometimes it’s wanting to save their child heartache. Sometimes parents are jealous.
I’d guess in your case she is taking out things that happened with your father on you.
Remember that boundaries are about your behavior not hers. Saying “You can’t call me names” won’t go anywhere. Saying “If you call me names, I’ll leave this conversation” and leaving will.
Your mom is severely codependent on you, and since you can’t seem to tear yourself away… so are you with her. Create some FORCED distance and stick to it
Your mom doesn’t want you to date. Move out and do what you want.
Uumm you have your own business have you thought about moving out? Then you can live your life as you want.
You should move out, and cut contact with your Mom.