My (23F) boyfriend (20M) works early hours, but consistently stays up very late. He is a very avid napper and has taken many naps during our days together. We have been seriously dating for only about three months, but this has been a point of very mild issue the whole time.
The problem I have, is that he wants to take a nap every time we hang out, and I am just not able to take naps late in the evening and then get a good nights rest. The first week or two of us dating wasn’t as big of a deal because we were only seeing each other a few times per week. Now it is our routine to spend our evenings together mostly every day (except on days where we make individual plans with friends or have other commitments).
I am in a graduate program and spend a lot of time studying when I am not at school, and he works early morning hours. I usually try to accommodate and do my homework during the morning when he is at work on my days off, and he comes over after work (3-4pm) or on days I have school (7-8pm) and then leaves anywhere between 12-3AM. I am not generally okay with this and have mentioned a few times that my sleep schedule is very messed up and it’s causing me to be more irritable and also feel disconnected with him. Every time I try to bring it up that I want him to leave my house earlier so I can sleep (11:30PM on school/work nights and 1AM weekends), he says that we nap, so that should add up the sleep I’m missing or that he works early and it doesn’t bother him and i don’t have to get up as early or he will say that he stays so late because he just wants to spend more time with me. But in reality it ends up keeping me up all night and then I either sleep in the next morning and can’t get my school finished on time before he comes over again or i sacrifice sleep to get my school done and am a crank. and it makes me feel disconnected from him bc my love language is quality time not quantity time and I’m not getting the emotional quality connection I need when he’s unconscious for most of the time we spend alone together when he comes to my house (we do go out with friends together and have double dates but our alone time has been a lot of naps especially the last week)
I live with my very religious parents and they don’t allow partners to spend the night, my mom has even told me she doesn’t really want him staying over past 2AM, which I don’t think is unreasonable, but my boyfriend just doesn’t get the curfew and I can’t get him to respect it without really putting my foot down, which makes me feel insanely guilty.
He will fall asleep an hour or two before it’s about time for him to leave, but I can’t fall asleep too without setting alarms bc he will just end up staying the night if I don’t get up and shake him awake for like 30 minutes and start to get stern with him. It’s like he’s a different person when he first wakes up and will not listen. I even told him i didn’t want him to nap at my house anymore bc i hate trying to get him up when he’s drowsy bc he’s grumpy and unreasonable but mostly unresponsive.
I’m at my wits end and I don’t know what to do. Our relationship is wonderful in literally every other aspect. With anything else, anytime I have an issue he fixes it and follows through immediately. I love him so much, but I am so exhausted and it’s impacting my school and I don’t know how to get him to understand and start leaving when I need him to.
Am I being ridiculous for being upset? How do I address this politely bc I feel like I’m not getting anywhere and am getting annoyed but I don’t want to take my frustration out on him.
TL;DR
My boyfriend who is amazing in every other aspect of our relationship isn’t respecting the curfew I have set for my sleep schedule and I don’t know how else to address it. What do I say?
2 comments
You need to be firm say something like, “My body doesn’t work the same way your body does, and this relationship will never work if I have to damage my health to be with you. So, from now on you have to leave by 11:30 PM on school nights and 1AM on weekends. That is the only way we can find out if this relationship can work, because what we have been doing has been hurting me,” Then when it gets to be about 10 minutes before that time, point it out to him and tell him he will have to go soon. Then when it’s time, kick him out. Either the relationship will improve or you will learn he isn’t a good partner.
You know I don’t think so, (M42)it doesn’t sound like your BF respects you and is pretty selfish nor does he respect the rules that your parents set. Sleep is so important especially in graduate school if he truly cares for you he would leave at a normal time. I guess you need to weigh what’s more important sleep being successful or dating someone like that. Prioritize what is important see where he falls.