i’ve found that sex recently has been hurting more than usual (20F). insertion and thrusting in/out for the first few minutes hurts. sometimes, the pain will turn into pleasure and it ends up being fine. but other times, the pain continues for the entirety. insertion almost always hurts.
i’m assuming it’s because i’m not wet enough, so there’s a lot of friction. it’s hard for me to get really wet fast, especially when i first wake up. there isn’t a lot of foreplay (1 minute-5 minutes of head, sometimes kissing) but i want to work around this on my own. asking for head for longer isn’t really an option.
what can i do to make sex less painful for me? i try and turn myself on before sex (when i know it’s gonna happen) but i can’t do that when i first wake up in the morning (it’s really hard for me to get turned on easily after i wake up). i have sex almost every day and i’m on the pill as well.
edit: he seemed very put off by lube, i brought it up once and he seemed to be upset that i would suggest that when he can turn me on himself, and he would rather do that.
15 comments
Have you tried adding lube?
Also, why isn’t more foreplay (of any kind, not just head) an option? Is it a time crunch problem or a selfish partner problem?
Depending on your body and the size of his penis, you might have no other option than to extend foreplay. My husband is well-endowed and I have a very tight vagina. This means foreplay for us is *minimum* twenty minutes. Usually a half hour or more. My vagina needs to be more slick than a buttered frog to be able to take all of him lol
Plus side is the build up makes him and I both cum loads!
Just use lube. Really helps, especially when getting fucked rougher
First of all, remember there isn’t anything wrong with you. Everyone is different and that means arousal works differently for everyone. There is a big emotional component to arousal as well. You need to be able to explore all aspects of what makes you more relaxed/aroused. Ideally your partner needs to be willing to put in the effort here as well.
And it may just be that you require lube. Lots of couples do. I’ve needed it with most of my partners. Silicone based lube is definitely the best, but note that it shouldn’t be used with condoms, as it will make them more likely to break (water based lube should be used with those). Since you’re on the pill I assume you’re not using condoms, so have at it ;). I recommend Astroglide. And no, I’m not just shilling for that brand.
Lube.
Game changer.
>edit: he seemed very put off by lube, i brought it up once and he seemed
to be upset that i would suggest that when he can turn me on himself,
and he would rather do that.
But he’s not? Both women and men on average need about [10 minutes](https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20061003/women-match-men-sexual-arousal-time) to get fully aroused. If he’s waking up hard, eating you out for 3 minutes, and then trying to insert, then he’s not turning you on himself.
Lube is great for when you’re aroused and wanting to have sex but not quite wet enough. That’s super normal, and called arousal non concordance (sometimes genital non concordance). But if you’re not even ready to have sex, don’t use lube and force yourself to get into it, ask for more foreplay. What’s the use in only one of you having good sex?
He clearly needs to slow his roll and not just shove it in when he wants to. More foreplay is probably the solution. He should be concerned that it hurts you, that would make me uncomfortable if I was hurting my lady.
> edit: he seemed very put off by lube,
That’s the stupidest thing. With my girth (6″ around), I’ve always needed bottled lube with all my partners. Nobody has ever been wet enough to handie the size and that isn’t a reflection of anyone’s performance. Tell him to get over himself and use the lube.
First, I just want to say what really concerns me is you feeling like you have to turn yourself on before sex because your partner can’t wait longer than only 5 minutes of foreplay ( IIRC women need a minimum of 20 minutes to get adequately turned on). It also concerns me that you brought up your need for lube and he dismissed it. And that you feel like you have to just lay there and endure when the sex is painful for you the whole time. You’re not his fleshlight, you’re a person, and his pleasure doesn’t matter more than yours does. If you’re in pain, you shouldn’t feel pressured to keep going.
I had vaginismus, meaning sex was impossible for me some days and painful the others. But my partner was patient with me, helped me with my physical therapy, took his time making sure I was fully turned on, tried different positions to see how I felt, checked in with me to see what was hurting and stopping when it did. He helped me associate sex with pleasure instead of fearing pain, and then sex became less painful because I wasn’t tensed up and scared. I think having a considerate, patient partner that makes you feel safe in the bedroom is a key component to enjoyable sex.
As far as how to get wetter, I do have some tips:
-ashwaganda and fenugreek capsules
-staying hydrated
-create a sexual atmosphere (dimmed lights, music, fluffy pillows, etc just make the room feel sexy)
-remember that YOU need to feel sexy too. Look in the mirror, hype yourself up, be turned on by yourself and feel confident and beautiful
-ease into it (making out, longer foreplay, dirty talk, building anticipation. Instead of viewing foreplay as a chore, view it as a sexual act inofitself and enjoy it to the fullest)
-experimenting with different positions to see which feels best for both of you
-Lube (if the reason he’s opposed is the texture, maybe experiment with different kinds and find one that works for both of you.)
I wish you the best, lovely 🙂
I’d suggest lube, but I don’t think that’s the problem.
>there isn’t a lot of foreplay
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>asking for head for longer isn’t really an option
​
>he seemed very put off by lube
So you’re telling me your partner neglects foreplay, rejects lube, and you can’t stand up for yourself and ask him for what you need (more foreplay/lube). Girl, please.
But some sliquid silk lube. It’s great and will help
Your dude needs to get over the lube thing. Maybe put it on him yourself. Make it sensual. Give him a short handjob with his lubed-up cock and tell him that it turns you on. He’ll be into it in no time at all.
Hi! I was you in my teens and early 20s. Here is what I wish I would have known:
– good lovers *want* you to be completely turned on before penetration and will do their damndest to get you there
– guys threatened by lube or toys are usually crap in bed and, while I had some learning experiences, I’d recommend you skip them entirely
– many of us receive such shitty messaging about sex that not experiencing pain = average sex, and power through *years* of bad to mediocre sex not even realizing what we’re missing. Girl there is so much more out there!
– be direct that sex is painful for you, and that you need more warm up time and lube. If he’s averse to this, be like – cool, thanks for the heads up! And bounce. Anyone who doesn’t put your comfort and pleasure at the same level as theirs is not worth suffering through, I promise.
Lastly, if there’s a further reason why you don’t have a whole lot of negotiating power here, or there’s a safety concern, that’s a whole other story and I’m 1000% happy to chat confidentially about that (that’s actually my job).
You got this 💖
It’s just your body rejecting sex with him and all your muscles down there tightening up to ridiculous levels to prevent it whether you’re conscious of this or not.
The lube isn’t the problem, is like a foreplay is not the only problem.
You not wanting to have sex with him but going ahead and doing it anyways is causing a weird dichotomy of effects in your body.
Your body simply responding to being used by an abuser.
Use spit instead of lube, or let him finger you before putting his penis in, that will make u really wet. Also since you are having sex every day, each time try different sex position.
P.S. Don’t underestimate missionary position, it will get you off if he rubbed your clit each time he thrust in(try it 😉 )