To make a 25 year long story short, my mother fits the description of a narcissist pretty well, she’s also obsessive, neurotic, and controlling. She means really well and does everything to the best of her ability in the best way she knows how. But that’s it, she can’t fathom that someone might prefer the towels folded a differnt way. There was alot of emotional abuse, some physical.
It all came crashing down about a month ago when my dad (M60) thought he was finally going to leave her. She wanted to have the conversation with me about my dad’s plans and why is he leaving her and all that (in her head, all she has ever done is give her best to us, and doesn’t understand that we feel differently about it) so I tried my best to explain that, they just don’t see eye-to-eye on things anymore, and maybe it’s for the best. (Not a conversation any child wants to have by the way, mental issues aside)
That took a toll on me, as during my child hood they FREQUENTLY had me play mediator and had me take sides. My dad once kicked me out of the car and made me walk home for trying to explain that my mother having a job gives her self worth. (My dad didn’t agree with the schedule of her position and wanted her to have “a real job”)
So this brings us to current events. I had that conversation on a Friday, the next Monday my mom calls me and tells me, basically in the same sentence “you’re aunt is dead and can you contact my mom for grandparents day?” (I don’t speak to her mother because she is physically and emotionally abusive to all her children and their significant others, and me.) My mother and I have had at least 3 separate conversations about why I feel the way I do about her mother, and why I don’t engage with her mother, and the fact she needs to stop asking me to contact her mother.
So I haven’t really talked to her for a month. I talked to her once to say ” you do know why I am mad at you, I have told you several times in great detail, and you need to stop calling me and my significant other several times a day.” My biggest problem is I know I am hurting her. And I know she doesn’t completely understand why. I know that she should. I start to feel guilty about hurting her and I want to reach out, but then I hear through the grapevine that she thinks “my recent behavior” is all do to “my thyroid not being checked.” And I think how much better off I am not engaging with her. But I feel guilty about coming to this conclusion. I’m already the person that doesn’t talk to their grandmother, now I’m going to be the person that doesn’t talk to their mother?
And to further complicate this story. My dad is kinda trying to make things work with my mother? For reasons completely outside my grasp of understanding. So now how do I try to have a relationship with my dad while still keeping my mother at arms length? My parents isolated me so I would always go to them for advice, but now I need advice on how to deal with them. Please, I’m so lost.
TL:DR: I have endured a lifetime of abuse at mothers hand, and I want to stop talking to her, but I’m racked with guilt over it.
3 comments
It’s also probably worth noting that, I was not the sole object of my mother’s abuse. Before I was born my mother stabbed my dad with a fork for not plugging the bathroom vent during construction. They once ran into each other at the courthouse to file for divorce (when I was 2) but somehow, they are still together. I’m beginning to think they were destined for each other and I am just the rotting fruit of their efforts.
What you’re asking for is above Reddit’s pay grade, I think. There is a lost of trauma here, along with conflicting emotions. Nobody here is going to have the knowledge or ability to talk you through this decision. I’d strongly encourage you to speak with a therapist, or resources barring that, a support group for people from abusive households. External help and validation from professionals or people with experience are going to be more helpful than the words of internet randos.
Good luck 💜
The guilt is kind of a byproduct of the abuse. She hurt you and then managed to make you feel guilty about protecting yourself.
It’s natural to want parents who don’t treat us like crap but not everyone is so fortunate.