We’ve been together for 4yrs now and met at a mutual friend’s birthday party. My BF was born and raised in India and I was born in Texas. He came to the US for his undergrad.

All through out our relationship, we’ve always maintained a pretty basic lifestyle for a couple in their mid twenties — occasional dine outs, rented apartment, travelling once a year etc.

Now, my BF knows that I come from an upper-middle class family and respects my parents for the upbringing that they have provided for my siblings and I. He had also told me that his family does “alright”, is “comfortable” and so on. I never questioned him much about it since my friends thought he might be supporting his parents financially and could be embarrassed about it.

About a month ago, we started talking about where our relationship is going and potential next steps when he tells me that he wants me to travel to India and meet his family personally. I naturally agreed and thought that it made logical sense until he started outlining some basic “rules” while communicating with his family — always put family in high regard, never talk about money, treat servants with respect, take the car parked in the guest slot if you have to go anywhere solo etc.

I was really taken aback by this — I didn’t know his family had servants, multiple cars, and so on. I asked him more about it and also decided to google his name — turns out his family is basically worth hundreds of millions of dollars and has been rich since atleast the 1800s. My BF doesn’t have any social media but his name is plastered across google and his family was mentioned in multiple articles, magazines and so on.

His family has booked first class tickets for us to fly to India about a month from now and are excited to meet us, but I am really scared of navigating this situation and letting my BF down. I also don’t know any upper class cues and suddenly find myself feeling small. I have also suddenly started seeing my BF in a different light and picked up on cues which confirm his wealthy upbringing.

26 comments

  1. Nothing is different. All of this is in your head.

    Treat him exactly like you have until now.

  2. Just because you found out that he’s wealthier than you thought, doesn’t mean that anything has changed. He’s still the same person that he was prior to you finding out.

  3. Your feelings are understandable but your bf clearly loves you and believes his family will too. He’s probably been preparing them to meet you just as he has done for you. As long as you remember to treat the servants with respect, I’m sure you’ll be fine! 😉

  5. Hey, my girlfriend comes from an upper class Indian family, meeting them was an interesting experience. As different parts of India can be weirdly strict or unusually lax with different traditions/etiquette, it’s worth clarifying a few things with him. That being said, he will have prefaced your visit, and they’ll likely be very happy with you so long as he seems happy with you. And p.s. he was raised by them, if he likes you, there’s a high chance they will :))

    (Some things I’d suggest asking:
    – What will his family expect in the way of clothing? Some families don’t like tight or revealing attire
    – Wearing shoes inside? Definitely a prerequisite to take them off if you enter a temple, and some people extend this to their home
    – Is it okay to point fingers? In Western Culture it’s generally fine to do this, in more traditional Eastern Families it can be seen as rude. If you need to point, do so with your hand or thumb
    – The Left Hand! The left hand is perceived as unclean by some Indian families as it’s associated with going to the bathroom, best to double check with your partner whether it’s okay to pass things or eat with the left hand before dinner
    – PDA’s…depending on how conservative the area and family you’re going to are, they might not like kissing or hugging, some older generations don’t even like hand holding. You should probably ask your bf what he recommends)

    TLDR; India is a pretty diverse society with large areas of contrast between the different regions, castes, and generations. They are used to people not getting things perfect, especially visitors. If you make a mistake, just apologise straight away and you’ll be fine. I reckon bf’s family will be pretty tolerant given that they’ve been involved in business for a long time!!

  6. My girlfriend didn’t know about my financial status for a long time but now that she knows it never once changed things

    He’s still the same guy and he’s clearly vetted you to be a solid choice so try not to get too into your head about this

  7. you are just out of your comfort zone and don’t know what to expect. Or feel an inferiority complex now? You’ve been together for 4yrs. Your boyfriend doesn’t feel concerned about how his family will treat you or how things will go. Sounds like it will be a fun trip. Relax. They will not expect you to act perfectly, you will be in a foreign country. Just try to be polite and charming if you are unsure or feel like you made a little mistake. They probably want to just see you are a good person, who loves their son, is smart and kind etc.

  8. You didn’t know about this but he did. He is the same person. Talk to him about what will be expected. A Lohnformeln people are nervous when they meet the parents of the Partner the first time. Them having more money doesn’t makes them better people than you don’t be afraid.
    Seems like your boyfriend wants to make the next step in the relationship by introducing you to his family. He wouldn’t if he was embarrassed about you. Relax. Train to him. Communication is the key

  9. Sounds like it’s all in your head. If your bf was worried you’d know. Just act like you normally do. Mind your manners, be polite, stay off your phone when speaking to his family. Stay the course.

  12. OP In my university I studied with the kids of the richest people in the country and besides a couple of brtas they were all very nice people.

    Talk to your boyfriend to help you navigate this,specially about protocol or specific ways from his culture, but in the end they are just people , try to remeber that.

  13. I don’t think the income disparity part is going to be what you have trouble with, to be honest. The real issue is the fact that you’re not Indian (and certainly not of the proper religion, caste, etc.), which almost 100% of the time is a huge challenge for couples where one member is Indian and the other isn’t. Whatever he says to you, it’s very, very likely that at least one of his parents is really not happy that he’s dating a non-Indian, and may conceivably marry her.

  15. Your bf wants a normal life with you and has welcomed you into his family’s life. Keep your heart open, your mind clear and enjoy life as it comes.

  16. How do you know that the name plastered all over Google is him…?

    Indians have a ton of very common names + last names

  17. Take a deep breath. Don’t Google him and his family too much and restrain yourself from cyberstalking him and his family. There is no way you won’t compare yourself, and you’ve got better things to do with your time. Ask him questions instead, and if something seems off, you can verify it. Meet the family as real people. Talk to actual, sensible friends/family who won’t get carried away with such information (most people would).
    1. You are inevitably going to mess up and miss upper class cues. Doesn’t make you any less worthy of dignity. Own who you are. I know it’s said than done, but if they’re good people, these things won’t matter to them. If they’re not good people, it should matter to you (for different reasons).
    2. Does he treat you with absolute and unconditional love and respect, and do you think he will continue to do so? Do you love and respect him absolutely and unconditionally (unless he’s Jeffrey Dahmer, in which case, you might wanna RUN). Obviously this doesn’t mean being a doormat to you. Whether Indian or otherwise, coming from a rich family can mean greater hierarchy and control than in average nuclear families. Remember, when you meet them, it’s not just them deciding whether to choose you, but you deciding whether to choose them. You might find their materialism, their snobbishness, their conservatism, their control or any number of things not to your taste. All that glitters ain’t necessarily worth it. Alternatively, you may find the character, the family bonding, the incessant festivals quite to your tastes.
    2. Is he likely to want to live in a joint family and/or take over the family business? What are your views on the same. Use your time with the family to gauge what they’re like and what their views are on this.
    3. How conservative is his family, and how conservative are you? Indians can be anywhere from ridiculously liberal and ostentatious to stupidly regressive and controlling. This conversation can have so many prongs – what are their views on working women; on you posting pictures in a bikini on your Instagram and so on, and compare them with your own and what you want from life. Also consider going with the flow, this doesn’t have to be something to be scared of, rather something to be excited about.
    4. Maintain your own dignity and self esteem at all times. They might have fancy gadgets, or farm houses or cars or islands or whatever (I hope I’m not freaking you out more)! Really doesn’t make a difference, they’ve just won a lottery of birth (admittedly they must’ve put in their own effort but to even have that bring fruit requires several privileges of birth, race (yes, race/caste in India), etc. They’re humans, and you’re human, and that’s that. Don’t lose your spine in trying to please them (but it’s okay to want to please them! They’re your boyfriend’s parents, that the information to focus on!) Real taste is knowing to treat everyone with respect and diplomacy.
    5. India has a really active Reddit community (I’m Indian), if he really is high profile, don’t reveal anything you shouldn’t here, unless you’re comfortable with the paps knowing.
    6. Find out practical details like where do him and his family primarily live. You’re going to face huge cultural adjustments irrespective, but make sure the place in which they’re primarily based out of is something you can manage. What sort of company he keeps, and you’d keep (should you choose)?
    7. Don’t fall for status games. Don’t pretend to be anything you’re not, or even show off too much about yourself. Your boyfriend loves you, and that should be enough for them to lend one of their own kidneys to you. Above all, always maintain a sense of worth and identity irrespective of how small and silly or big and loud it is (but also don’t be a contrarian for the sake of being one or proving something). Do you like to garden? Do you like to surf memes? Do you enjoy listening to music? Be you and do you!

  18. How in 2022 did you not google your bf?
    You had the basics, his name, his family’s name, country of oringin etc
    I find this so hard to believe because I google everyone and everything

    – he loves you. This is a big step, he isn’t letting you go in blind and he is just as committed to your success as you are. Go enjoy yourself take it all in and even if there are challenges, remember you belong there and go the extra mile to treat ppl well

  19. How in 2022 did you not google your bf?
    You had the basics, his name, his family’s name, country of oringin etc
    I find this so hard to believe because I google everyone and everything

    – he loves you. This is a big step, he isn’t letting you go in blind and he is just as committed to your success as you are. Go enjoy yourself take it all in and even if there are challenges, remember you belong there and go the extra mile to treat ppl well

  20. I am having trouble with ow you are now seeing him in a different light. You were ok when you thought his family was poor, but now you are not?

    If I came form money, I would hide it also. My parents success isnt mine, and lets not forget the fact that there are people in the world who would love someone just because of money.

    I understand not wanting to disrespect the parents in this situation though. That makes sense. You may want to go over any questions with your BF.

  21. Lots of good comments, just wanted to add you could probably study up on proper manners in his country, I’m betting there’s some good resources out there, to avoid committing any faux pas.

  23. You’re overthinking this. What dollar amount does one need to have in their account in order to respect them, fear, them, or treat them differently?

    >but his name is plastered across google and his family was mentioned in multiple articles, magazines and so on.

    Seeing him for 4 years and live with him, but never googled him? The only difference is that their house may be bigger, travel differently, and some finer comforts. Enjoy the first class and have a nice time. Bring a thoughtful gift when you go and try to not think about it so much.

  24. Servants are affordable in india, so even middle class have servants. Indian people treat servants as part of family, especially the one which have been with them for years. So, don’t be rude them.

    Don’t talk back to elders even if you don’t like something. Talking back consider rude. Learn about some Indian etiquette, wear some Indian dress, and learn to cook one of Indian dishes.

    Ask him about his parents. Learn about them. If they are chill people, you don’t have to worry about etiquette. Even the rich in india eat food with hands. Just don’t be disrespectful. Indian people love to give advice. Just listen to them and don’t talk back. Smile and say “haanji”.

    You can do what you want later on, but you first need to make good impression on them.

  25. While his family definitely sounds like they may be the wealthy in any zip code type, America wealthy is different than India wealthy. India has a literal servant caste built into its society. Having drivers, chefs, help in the home isn’t the same as it would be in America.

    My friend’s family in the Philippines has all the luxury amenities of typical elite wealth. But their life in Canada is very different. They’re comfortable but they don’t live like the rich do here. They drive a Ford and own a nice condo. Back home they have drivers, a huge house, and staff.

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