I (M26) recently feel like I’m in a relatively better place in my life and I’ve been thinking about getting back out there and try to find somebody that I resonate with, But dating, specially the online kind terrifies me.
My last relationship ended more than 3 years ago. Since then I’ve been through some terrible depression and anxiety issues, a horrible two year long military service and I’ve been alone through all of it. And I didn’t mind, I’m a fairly introverted and very reserved guy, but there were times in the past three years when I felt I needed some emotional support. I tried dating apps during that period a couple of times and it just didn’t work, I didn’t have good pictures, didn’t get many matches, I went out on a couple of dates that didn’t get anywhere and at some point I just gave up and decided to work on myself and my mental health.
So over the past year I did take a lot of measures to improve my mental health. I got into meditation, I got a car, I worked some projects and made some money, I grew a lot and overall I’m in a much better place mentally. I like to think I’m a fairly good looking guy with a good living situations, good aspirations and I love caring for people and showing compassion and love to those around me. I think it’s a good time for me to look for someone to share this life with, but the process of dating absolutely terrifies me. Dating apps are horrible, the lack of matches, the ghostings, failed dates, rejection…. It all have left a bad taste and thinking about doing it all over again is just horrifying.
Even the thought of installing a dating app gives me anxiety. Like I wanted to install bumble today but my hands were literally shaking as I was pushing the download button and at the end I just didn’t do it.
I’m in a position where there aren’t really any women around me at work and I really don’t know how to go out, or who to go out with, and meet girls in a public setting. Even if i do I have no idea how to approach them and I fuckin don’t want to. It’s awkward as hell. I’ve been trying to find ways to put myself in social situations and I have some ideas like going to a music school to take drums classes (I’m a drummer) and maybe I’ll meet people my type there… but I don’t know. I can’t help but feeling a bit hopeless.
How can I ease myself into it? How do introverts date?
4 comments
I always think it’s best to just start with a compliment. Can be something as small as I like your shirt or something like that and if she doesn’t guide the interaction forward you just introduce yourself. We all struggle with the anxiety that comes with it but just a simple compliment has always worked well for me. Always been my go to if a see a girl I want to talk to and don’t already have a reason to talk to her
You have to accept that you will have to get outside of your comfort zone eventually, because not one man alive was not nervous, anxious, and scared of rejection when they started talking to women. It is a skill learned through practice.
You will probably fail a lot before it becomes enjoyable but it really does get easier with practice.
You’re not ready
You say you’re terrified of dating and even have anxiety just thinking about it (installing a dating app) so how exactly are you going to lead a relationship as a man?
You’re so afraid because for whatever reason deep down you don’t think you’re worthy and to be brutally honest this type of approach runs a high risk of attracting a toxic female who will take advantage of you
There’s professsional help you can engage to help with these issues (not just therapy but life coaching and image consulting, etc)
Get yourself to a place you’ve got the necessary confidence to succeed
work on your sense of self worth. everyone has poor experiences with dating, in person and on apps. they say nothing about you as a person or your worth, they’re arbitrary and circumstantial.
try to do it more. widen your net a bit, go on first dates with no expectation to go on second dates. it can be fun to just grab a drink, talk, and be yourself for a few hours without feeling any stakes.
therapy helps too. i felt/feel the same anxiety dating at times, having someone to break things down with every week helped a ton.