i (f19) just lost my virginity with this friend (m20). he went down on me before piv and he asked me if i wanted to suck him as well but i didn’t feel comfortable doing so. he said it was ok, that i didn’t have to if i didn’t wanna but i still feel like i should.
does it change over time? i could use some advice :)) thank you!
edit: just forgot to mention, i didnt ask him to go down, it kinda just happened
48 comments
If I were trying to be in a serious relationship with someone, no head would indeed be a deal breaker.
Ultimately you shouldn’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with doing. It seemed like he was understanding of that so you should take him at his word until he proves otherwise.
In my view oral should be reciprocal but doesn’t have to be equal. Basically, if you expect your partner to go down on you then you should be okay with going down on them. It doesn’t need to be one for one and it doesn’t have to be every single time.
For me, yes
Definite deal breaker for me.
You shouldn’t do what you don’t want to do, but you then need to realize that people you date may consider that a deal breaker and it’s also in their right to not be interested in continuing a relationship
It’s something you can train yourself to like more and more tho
Every person has the right to consent to what they want to do sexually, and every person can decide what is a deal-breaker for their relationship.
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All else being equal, generous and adventurous sexual partners are going to be more likely to retain a partner because they create a more positive sexual experience for the person they are with.
(EDIT: Thanks for the awards kind strangers.)
Once I was used to the best head in the world. You just don’t come back from that. Definite deal breaker.
This might sound worse than i mean it but. It was literally your first sexual encounter. As you get nore comfortable with sex the idea will probably seem more nornal to you.
Personally yes
You can have any deal breaker you want. Your only moral obligation is to communicate it.
That said, in your situation if you have never done it before, there is no reason not to try (usual caveats apply).
To be crass with a personal example, I have had three serious relationships. Two didn’t go down, one did. Guess which one. Have been with for almost 20 years.
For a one night stand, not a big deal, for a monogamous relationship, it’s a deal breaker. 100%
In my experience, you learn to like it more with time until you start loving it. But I appreciate some women never do.
It will be a deal breaker for some, not for others. I always found it hard to get enjoyment out of something that my partner did not enjoy.
All that said, take a step back, and give it some time. Sometimes it takes the right partner, a little time to warm up to the idea, to get comfortable, and some may never like the idea at all. You are still young and inexperienced (nothing wrong with that) in this area, so don’t feel bad not taking on everything at once.
There is a whole world ahead (no pun intended) of you, that will take time to explore and get comfortable with. If I had any advice, never say never, but don’t jump until you become comfortable either.
Deal breaker for me
It’s not that I care so much about oral in and of itself, but in my experience folks that won’t do it tend to have a pretty short list of things they will do. I’m sure there are exceptions, but I haven’t met any of them.
No. There are plenty of ways to have fun together. It sounds like he is being respectful of your boundaries, and that’s a great sign! (Should be a bare minimum, but sadly that doesn’t seem to be the case for everyone.)
The fact that he went down on you without prompting probably means he actually wanted to do it.
It breaks my heart how many people treat a single sex act as as a major deal breaker. Like, “If you aren’t going to suck it, then what good are you to me?”
You have the right to accept or not accept what you want but as a female it’s totally a dealbreaker for me if a guy won’t go down on me. Also I think there are probably very few guys that would be truly happy in a relationship where oral wasn’t involved but they can decide if they want to stay or not!
Until you’re more comfortable with sex, and even long after then, lots of sex acts are going to start off a bit awkward. You just became sexual–i wouldn’t say you are obligated to give oral, but don’t knock it until you’ve gotten more comfortable in general. Then, if you still don’t like the idea, don’t do it!
My wife didn’t like giving head initially because she was coerced (but not outright forced) to in previous relationships, so she didn’t enjoy it.
Now we’ve been together 10 years and she blows me quite frequently. Sometimes it’s just a level of comfort that takes times.
Other times it’s a hard stop for people. That’s also okay. Just like it’s okay for it to be a deal breaker in a relationship.
The trick is communicating why you will or won’t, and what the other person wants and finding a mutual agreement about those kinds of activities.
One of the best sexual partners I’ve ever had couldn’t give me head.
That was never a dealbreaker.
Her almost burning down my place was.
Everyone’s deal breaker can be different, but it isn’t necessarily the case that no oral sex is one of them.
He likely does understand that given it was your first time, because a woman giving oral her first time rarely happens. And for what it’s worth, I remember when I was 20 years old. If a 20 year old hormone-infused man says it’s OK that you didn’t want to give my head, didn’t pout, pitch a fit, or otherwise make you feel like a disappointment, then it’s probably safe to say he meant those words.
Going forward in your sexual journey just remember one thing:
Don’t do anything that you don’t genuinely want to do, just because you feel that you should either “return the favor” or that’s “what you are supposed to do.” The only choice that you can make that is 100% correct 100% of the time is the choice that suits **you**.
Yep. It’s okay, and I respect it, I just don’t want to be with them.
Sounds like a good guy. Just remember it’s not a race. Maybe you will never be interested in giving oral. Maybe you do become interested one day. No sense in worrying about whether your current boundaries are permanent ones. Right now, it sounds like you have a loving partner who respects your boundaries. That is the hard part, but its what you have. You can figure out the rest of this in time
Whether it is a deal breaker to others or not, you should only do what you are comfortable with. Never force yourself to do something for someone else’s pleasure.
If you become more experienced and still decide you are not interested in giving head, then don’t. You will absolutely find a guy who’s fine with that because he will love you for you. There’s plenty of other things to do in the bedroom that everyone would be happy with.
Personally, I don’t enjoy receiving oral, so not for me, but I think it’s a fair bet he enjoys it if he asked…
No need to feel pressured into everything the first time out the gate. Give it a try down the road when you have a bit less of the cherry popping jitters…
I mean, it’s better when both parties involved are as generous as each other but
i) Give it time. The idea of what you like or don’t like can change with time. It’s okay also if you never grow to like it. No parts of sex or sexual activities are supposed to feel like a chore.
ii) It depends on what you deem a deal breaker. If you are ever in a situation where you haven’t grown to like it and it becomes an issue, feel free to walk away. Your deal breakers are yours.
Sometimes it is, but more importantly that’s something you should ask him.
Most important factors here are that you both are able to communicate your own limits and respect each others, and in the beginning especially it’s a very good idea to take it slow and gradual.
A lot of people have also simply stated that “yes it’s a deal-breaker for me” and that’s fine, they are of course allowed to feel that way, my perspective is slightly different.
No partner I have been with has wanted to try ALL the things I might like to try and no single one thing has been a deal-breaker for me, it’s more about a wider context. Are they open to experiment in general? Do they seem to care about my pleasure as much as I do theirs? Etc. If there is something specific you are uncomfortable you need to communicate it clearly and your partner needs to respect that, but obviously it’s more fun to have sex with people who are open to try new things and who show that they value their partners pleasure. Best of luck!
My wife goes down on me maybe once or twice a year. Like many other things in relationships it’s one of those things that would be nice, but I can live without it.
This isn’t something that anyone but the person you’re with can’t answer. I personally need it in a relationship and I love giving it too. But that is not true for everyone. However if they do want bjs and settle for someone that won’t do it, that can lead to resentment so definitely establish boundaries before becoming serious
It was your first time itd be surprising if you did.
I love my virginity at 18, having had dental trauma throughout my childhood, giving head was terrifying.
15ish partners/one offs and 5 years later, I finally found someone I trusted enough to go down on.
It can definitely be a deal breaker, the guy I finally went down on… It was part of why we broke up. Sex was very one sided.
I think it’s worth taking the time to figure out how to be comfortable giving back, but it’s also ok to go at your own pace, and don’t let anyone pressure you. You’re in a vulnerable position, imo.
Hopefully you’re more successful than I was, and less heartbroken as things run their course.
Hun I was very self conscious when I lost my virginity (I was 19). But I found a first partner that was so patient (he was 24). He knew how to calmly bring it up and lightly encourage me after months of building up the confidence to try it. Now I love sucking dick 😉 take your time, if you have a good partner then there should be no pressure and you can learn at your own pace. Maybe you’ll learn you hate going down on someone and that is totally respectable and you’ll need to set that boundary immediately in all future sexual relationships you encounter. Enjoy learning about yourself though!
I worried about it at first but once you get more used to sex you will likely feel more comfortable with it! If not, it isn’t something you *have* to do. Just be patient with yourself 🙂
It’s not a deal breaker if its your first time doing anything sexual ever… it’s honestly not a deal breaker at all unless it is. I personally don’t enjoy oral very much and have yet to experience someone enthusiastic enough to make it enjoyable, so it wouldn’t really bother me. There are plenty of examples here of women who complain about a partner never going down on them and most of the responses are “dump him” though so obviously it’s a deal breaker for some people.
In your situation, he made the right move and is respecting the pace you want to set and the activities you want to do when you want to do them. That’s a green flag and I’m happy for you :). You’re under no obligation to eventually reciprocate, but I’d recommend trying it and seeing how you like it before refusing to do it ever forever.
No it isn’t a deal breaker.
it might be a deal breaker to some men, but not to all men.
Simply put, Yes. You will grow to resent him/her if it’s something that you enjoy receiving.
I’ve been dating a woman for 1 year and 1/2. She’s never given head (attempted terribly with a condom) and never let me go down on her. It’s not the most important part of the relationship. Then again, at my age (late 30s), I’ve dated other women, slept with other women, and given and received oral. As time goes on, my priorities have shifted away from exploration and toward stability. I feel that lots of people (especially men) follow the same trajectory.
Is it a dealbreaker to him? Possibly. I’ve found (polite) ways to break up with women I was dating because the sex wasn’t good when I was younger. But also, that took a while and the Coolidge Effect is real. At the beginning, I’m usually just so happy to have a woman in bed with me, she could starfish and I’d have a great time. Takes a few months.
So, should you feel pressure to do it so you don’t get dumped? I’d say it depends on all the context, what your expectations are, whether it’s something you’d be willing to experiment with. If it is, I’d recommend just telling the guy, “Hey, this is all super new to me so give me feedback along the way.” And that can also be a question for 1 month down the line, when you feel safer with him. If he’s like me, though, he will want some kind of reassurance that this “No” isn’t a “forever no”, that it may be in the cards someday.
Never feel obligated to do anything if you are not comfortable doing so. That’s it.
For me, yes.
Just because you don’t feel comfortable doing it now, doesn’t mean you won’t want to do it at some point. And for some people, they never get to a point where they want to do it.
It’s not necessarily a dealbreaker, but it is something that should be discussed early in a relationship. Whether that discussion is “I want to but I’m not comfortable yet” or “I do not enjoy doing it, full stop”, your partner needs to be able to make the determination if they wish to move forward.
Personally, for me, it IS a deal breaker. I really, really, REALLY like receiving blowjobs, and if I didn’t got one in my relationship, I would be incredibly sexually frustrated and things wouldn’t work out.
In the other hand, it’s literally your FIRST sexual encounter. I definitely don’t expect to receive a blowjob from a girl I just met. Chill, and enjoy your first time 🙂
It won’t be a dealbreaker for me, but it’d definately be a problem for me.
Hope that answers your question.
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And does it change over time?
I don’t know, everyone is diffrent, and I don’t know you. What about sucking dick made you feel uncomfortable about it?
It’s a deal breaker if you or partner chooses it to be.
You do it because you want to.
You can set conditions like they have to be clean and showered or shaved, maybe you’ll just use your hands to start and go from there.
Do what you’re comfortable with, you both want to feel good, loved and appreciated.
The key is enthusiam and communication.
If you’re feeling pressured or forced to do it, then don’t.
Personally as a woman it’s a dealbreaker because it’s the only way I get off and really enjoy myself instead of having half ass orgasms. But I know that not everyone is 1) good at it, and 2) want to do it. So I don’t expect it to happen, and whether or not someone does it just means we are or are not potentially compatible. And if we aren’t compatible that’s ok 🙂
To me, it’s worse if my partner wont let me go down on her, I’m a giver, that’s my pleasure.
You are on r/sex – the more sexual of society so don’t take what you read here as truth for the whole society. You are really young. Let it develop over time.
For me (M34) it is a dealbreaker and was since I was like 25 – because it shows a lack of depth I would like to explore with a partner.
No biggie though – you will find plenty of people for whom it’s okay.
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to full stop.
And be grateful that you have an understanding partner that isn’t forcing the issue.
And as others say. Give yourself time. Tastes change and who knows. Maybe you’ll eventually like giving him head. It’s all up to you and at you’re own pace.