My wife(22f) and I (22m) got married at 19. We were head over heels in love after 6 months of dating and thought why wait. A month later she was pregnant lol. We were both in college at the time and managed to both still graduate this year from online universities.
Anyways, it turns out only I was head over heels in love. She says she just didn’t know how to say no, but didn’t really wanna get married. I found this out a couple weeks ago. Looking back, it makes sense. I was looking at things through rose colored glasses I think. She told me multiple times early on how I treated her like the air I breathe and that she really didn’t feel that way.
No worries I thought, we were so young and not ready to make that decision. We both had gone through so much trauma and pulled each other out of our toughest times that we have this really strong bond. Plus we’re parents so we’re bonded for life.
Anyways, I have poured myself into this relationship. I make sure to communicate, I get her her favorite drink daily, I make her favorite dessert nightly, I comfort her when she’s going through it, I make sure we split the load of parenthood 50/50, I follow all her interests and make them mine too so I can support her in that, I compliment often, and I often am massaging or giving her back scratches. For me, our routine is amazing and I am happily bored with her.
The problem is that it’s not reciprocated. For most of our relationship and especially the past year I’ve heard how she’s unhappy. She never thought she’d be with someone like me (too passive and not alpha). She says I’m the safe option/ slow burn and she wants fireworks and sparks like the movies. I want the slow burn safe love. We both come from trauma and have no good examples of love, and I think in our growth as people we want different things.
She said she wants a certain type of love, but feels no desire to put the effort into making ours like that bc the guy should pursue the girl before she can act back essentially. She says I’m not romantic. That one hurts bc every day I’m trying to give her what she wants and everything I do for her is out of love.
We have issues in bed. I can’t really perform anymore. I think it’s bc she’s made it known that she gets no pleasure from my pleasure and just likes the part where she’s getting off. So I don’t get any foreplay and there’s no enthusiasm. I couldn’t get it up and she said I must be gay & that I should just be able to do it if I’m attracted to her.
It’s so weird. On one hand she’s gotten me through so much and we’ve really been there for each other and helped each other survive. On the other hand, there’s not much romance and our love languages don’t seem to intertwine. It’s like we’re each others caregivers and best friends, but she’s definitely not in love with me and says she hasn’t felt anything close to it since the first month sheet me. I just didn’t live up to what she hoped for.
It really sucks because I love her, I just wanna be loved the way I deserve and I want her to have what she deserves too.
I just don’t know what to do.
8 comments
Look at what she’s saying. She’s being a total dick to you. Do yourself a favor and drop her like a hot potato. Trying to have a relationship with her is pointless.
You know what you’re doing isn’t working. So it’s time to break the routine in a noticeable way. I think the solution is in creating more of a life outside your relationship with her. How you do that is up to you. Maybe take some online classes, maybe take some ballroom dancing classes… making her a bit jealous in an indirect way may be a good thing. Develop your own identity outside this relationship. Do things just you and the kids without her, not excluding her but cool things she may sit out on like hiking or biking. Creating female desire is not about being nice to them(though we should be nice too, not mean), it’s about demonstrating something desirable and “valuable” if you will, maybe even a challenge for them. Become an awesome fucking stud! This will take a lot of energy having kids and work and home, I know, so eat healthy and exercise to keep your energy up.
>too passive and not alpha
Jesus Christ, who talks like this? Were these her words or yours?
>I think it’s bc she’s made it known that she gets no pleasure from my pleasure and just likes the part where she’s getting off. So I don’t get any foreplay and there’s no enthusiasm. I couldn’t get it up and she said I must be gay & that I should just be able to do it if I’m attracted to her.
Bud… there is no recovering from this. Get ready to be co-parents and nothing more.
Clearly you two are from a broken home and maybe you are in limerence at the beginning but the reality of the situation is setting in and because her trauma she wants to run because she doesn’t think she is worth or she has an abuser’s mentally of what love is.
I would really really encourage you both the get into individual therapy first and then do some marriage workshops and marriage counseling before you get lawyers into this.
The spark was there before but now its gone… I bet you two can fall in love with each other again but thats if you two deal with the issues of the past first and not try to fix the present now.
I think there is hope but I think she is also emotionally abusing you as well
Honestly, if it weren’t for your child I’d advise you to just leave; she doesn’t sound as if she’s emotionally ready to be in a long-term relationship. Now that you have a child who depends on you both it makes sense to *try* to make your home into a healthy and functional one. Keep in mind that this requires two parents who love and respect each other and themselves. If you can’t accomplish that with your wife it will be far better for everyone concerned that you each learn how to have a healthy adult relationship.
What your wife is telling you is that you’re too much. You spend so much time pleasing her that she doesn’t get any time to *want* you. Create a little distance. Make her favorite stuff once a week or once a month rather than every day. If you get something all of the time it isn’t special anymore. Focus on developing yourself into the man you want to be and the father you want your child to have. Maybe your wife will look at that man and want him in her life or maybe she has to work through her own trauma. Her treatment of you sounds like it borders on emotional abuse. Look at your relationship and decide what it needs to become [healthy](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/healthy-relationships/). Also, keep in mind that it takes you both working together to achieve a healthy relationship. If she doesn’t want to, this isn’t something you can do alone.
Focus entirely on developing an independent sense of self and your internal strength as a father. I don’t advocate games or stupid alpha playbook garbage; no dread game or icing or negging or any of that silliness.
– Stop picking up her hobbies
– Stop tolerating demeaning language and words
– Stop initiating physical intimacy when you know she doesn’t want it
– Stop trying to give her everything she wants
– Tell her you’re not interested in hearing about how much she doesn’t love you
Essentially, what kind of man do you actually wish you were? What kind of man do you need to be on the open market with your kid in tow?
She’s on whatever journey she’s on. You don’t have to join her emotionally.
Simping does not lead to happiness
You sound codependent. You are pouring your energy into someone who has informed you they are not that into you. You are never going to get the energy from her that you give out. It sounds like the impulsive decision you made to marry after a mere 6 months has bitten you in the butt. That is why you wait. Getting married while riding high on the chemicals that come with new relationships risks the relationship breaking down when the high wears off. I would sit down and have a serious chat about everything and evaluate the relationship as a whole. Are you both getting what you need and can you get what you are missing? You can try seperating and just dating. Get a clearer view of you two as a couple without the obligation of marriage.