So I’ve known my girlfriend for a year and been with her for 4 months. She’s delightful. Kind, patient, funny, sweet, caring. I really do love her.
We started becoming sexually intimate once we finally had some privacy. And so far we’ve had issues. We’ve tried to have sex 9 times in the past couple of weeks. I’ve finished 3 times, 4 times gone soft during sex, and twice gone soft during foreplay and not even been able to start penetration.
One of those soft-before-we-started moments happened tonight. She dressed in some beautiful lingerie, we started getting heated, and things started happening. However in the end I only managed to finger her for a few minutes and that was about it. I lost my erection a few minutes into the foreplay.
We had a lengthy, open talk afterwards. She told me she knows it’s on her because the same thing happened with the last guy she was with. I told her how it’s all on me for multiple reasons. How I lack good sexual experience, how I feel an anxiety to perform, how I can always tell when I’m losing momentum during sex and the second that happens I lose confidence and subsequently my erection, and so on.
We discussed in much more detail too. She was worried it was because of her, she was worried that we aren’t sexually compatible and even said maybe we shouldn’t have sex for a few weeks instead of trying and failing and feeling bad. She said she was happy the times I finished because she just wanted me to feel good, and I told her that even when I have finished I haven’t felt good because I feel ashamed that I’m not close to satisfying her sexually. I even asked her to be honest and tell me if she’s even been close to finishing with me. She said she hasn’t, aside from the first time I used my fingers a week ago, but said that’s common and that she’s has had fun multiple times we’ve done it. Unfortunately, that just compounded how sexually lousy I feel, even though I asked to hear it.
I just don’t know what to do. We both felt sad, we talked for an hour or two, we hugged, we kissed, she told me she loves me multiple times and that sex isn’t the most important thing. But it still hurts.
It makes me feel ashamed that I can’t satisfy her, and I hate my body everytime I lose an erection. I tend to lose it after extended foreplay, when I have time to overthink, or when I can tell I’ve done something ‘wrong’ sexually. If we go for a quickie, rip each clothes off and go at it, I can finish but also finish quickly – within a couple of minutes, which ultimately means no foreplay, no buildup for her, and only a short period of penetration too.
I just need some advice or experience shared from people who have been through this. Would bad quickies be good thing to start off with to at least ensure I am hard and we have some form of action to avoid the ED disappointment, or would that cause no satisfaction for anybody? Just everytime we hit this problem I feel so ashamed and sad, and I really want to deal with it because everything else with her is golden.
**TL;DR: ED issues causing great anxiety, need advice on how to deal with it**
11 comments
Stop making sex about your erection. Don’t stop pleasuring her.
You are both making this worse by piling expectations and anxiety onto the issue. Keep having a sexual relationship, but stop making it about the erection for a while. Don’t even try for penetration. Instead, make out, finger her, engage in oral sex, have fun. You need to make sex fun and not stressful for both of you. Don’t make orgasms for either of you a goal – instead make mutual pleasure and enjoyment your goal. Figure out what you both like and keep it fun. You’re turning sex into a chore for both of you, and that’s not sexy for either of you.
How often do you masturbate?
It’s most likely in you head. I overcame this by basically being selfish and just focusing on my pleasure until I eventually got over the problem. It makes it less stressful, make sure to get her off after though lol.
This is where you start having conversations with your doctor.
Stop watching porn. I’m in this boat and I understand it’s not easy. I still haven’t made it a week. But it will reset
>I only managed to finger her for a few minutes and that was about it. I lost my erection a few minutes into the foreplay.
Just a reminder that you’re allowed to continue sex acts that AREN’T p-in-v. you don’t need to maintain an erection in order to do myriad other things that are mutually pleasurable. Consider that your loss of erection doesn’t have to mean end of the event.
> how I feel an anxiety to perform,
A TREMENDOUSLY common occurrence and one that often results in exactly what you’re experiencing.
HONESTLY what you should do is see a doctor! I’ve known a few fellas who have experienced exactly this. The short-term treatment was a prescription for a medication that will ensure an erection. That will help you to have more positive sexual encounters and improve your self-esteem regarding same. Once good experiences outweigh the bad/anxious/nerve-wracking/embarrassing ones, you may find you dont struggle to achieve and maintain an erection anymore. Its just a matter of getting yourself to a place of comfort.
You may also speak to a psychiatrist about some kind of medical intervention for the anxiety you’ve got wrapped up in this (though the treatments for those anxious situations is often medication that lowers your blood pressure. Which… i’m not a doctor but might be a bad ingredient to toss into a boner/vigorous physical activity situation)
Anyway, point is, i’m very sorry this is happening and i’m sorry your girlfriend thinks its her fault! But this is so common and so treatable and the sooner you talk to a doctor, the sooner you can fix this and it will all just be a blip on your radar.
As far as what would be a good solution, thats between you and her. Maybe she’d rather do non-penetrative stuff than have a quickie. We can’t know that. So keep the conversation open and constructive
See a doctor and a therapist. A doctor would help you with possible ED and could even get you on anxiety meds (if you wish to take them) if the therapist can’t help you get on them.
Also, maybe ease up on jacking off for a bit, and do not do the deathgrip. Go without for a week, and if you do it after said week, do without griping super hard.
Presume your doc could offer ED medication, worth a try
Here is what can help:
* improve your diet – cut back on simple sugars, eat more protein, drink more water. Stop drinking alcohol.
* Improve your fitness – Lift weights, get more sunlight, get more sleep.
* Take Niacin and L-arginine throughout the day.
* Take Cialis or Viagra – this will help.
* Stop watching porn. Stop looking at women online. You want your brain to become sensitive to your girls body. You want to associate dopamine with your girl, right?
If you do all of these things for a week, you will see a difference, so will she.
Try supplements and use help for the time being. You need to correct all aspects of your life from food you eat to time you sleep. Get blood work of everything to make sure you’re in check. Iron can be a culprit as well. This can be a relationship killer so act fast and use something in the meantime