I (26F) met him (29M) when he had only ever dated one person for i think a month? He was a virgin. We immediately clicked together, he lost his virginity to me, and we moved in together. We were very happy besides one problem. He has a porn addiction.
When I caught him the first few times, he apologized profusely and told me he had an addiction because he was a virgin for so long. I understood this so although I kept catching him I would sit down with him and talk with him about it and what triggered him and etc. I was very understanding with him about this. And I thought we were making good progress.
Fast forward to now, he told me he’s been watching porn again and this time it made him realize he wants to see other people. We have a house together, no kids thankfully, but we are engaged in a house we bought together with animals and, what I thought, was full of love. He “admitted” to me he’s occasionally thought about the “what ifs” of another relationship besides ours. When I asked him what was wrong with our relationship he said, absolutely nothing. He’s just afraid he’s making a mistake because he has never been with another woman before, and he continues to have “urges” to sleep with other people despite having a very active and happy sexual relationship with me. But he’s also afraid leaving me would be a mistake because he is happy in our relationship. The thought of “what if” can’t leave his head.
What do I even do in this situation? I’ve barely slept or ate in days. I am absolutely shattered and devastated. I’m finding myself essentially begging him to reconsider these thoughts and a few times he’s broken down and told me he doesn’t want to break up but he doesn’t know what to do. But I feel so stupid at the same time? Why am I begging this man to stay with me? But what if he IS making a mistake because he’s just confused? I’ve invested so much time and money into this man. I taught him everything. I spent years getting him to open up to me. I thought we were happy.
I need some serious advice.
TL;DR My fiancé, despite being happy with me, wants to leave me to experience somebody else.
17 comments
sheltered people do this all the time, sorry. id start getting my stuff in order
This sucks. Better now than at 45 with three kids though, I guess.
Short answer: either he genuinely wants someone else also, or enjoys seeing you beg. Neither of these are ideal. While it’s hard with your heart breaking, start shielding your financial assets, and plan your exit strategy.
And please… stop begging. That never has a good outcome. Ever.
The addiction on top of the whole “I’ve only been with one person” mess has created a very sad time for you. Tbh you should look at how you’ll untangle your lives. This guy is going to drag you down with him if you don’t start untangling now.
When he comes crawling back later, don’t take him back. Betrayal is unforgivable.
He is driven by fantasy. Reality will never compete. IMO, you tell him to move and get a roommate ASAP. You can work out the details later.
He will want you back but he will never be a reliable partner as he lacks adult reality based thinking.
Sad.
I feel for you, I really do. I’m actually dealing with this somewhat, but in this scenario I am the husband.
Before meeting my husband (both men) I had very little sexual experience. Some but not a lot and was a virgin. When I met my now husband in my early 20’s, he made me feel comfortable and confident enough to want to go all the way.
10 years later I do wonder and wish I had slept with other men, to see what it was like to experience other people, different body types and sizes etc. This is despite the sex in our marriage being perfectly fine.
I’ve never talked about it to my husband as I decided that, although I’m now more confident in a sexual way, there’s no guarantee I would have any success with anyone should I decide to leave our marriage or try opening it up to other people. I love my husband and I don’t want to risk anything with him or destroy our life we’ve built together JUST because I MIGHT get some fun from someone else.
I do watch porn every now and then and that’s basically my way of “experiencing” the things I missed in a way that is not destructive (although I don’t have an addiction to it) to my life or marriage.
I know this isn’t exactly helpful but maybe you could show him my reply. Might help him to process his thoughts.
Wish you all the best.
Tell him he can move out and work on his feelings in therapy. If he decides he wants to be with you AND you still want to be with him, you all can try again. But he doesn’t get to stay in your shared home and emotionally terrorize you with his anxiety.
Let him go and see if the grass is greener on the other side. Move on with your life and find you another guy who knows what he wants. You don’t deserve this.
You have two options here:
1. A therapist for either him or both, can help unpack these feelings one way or another. He has some kind of FOMO and he needs to be able to challenge himself and understand what’s driving it – if it’s real and he does need to move on, or if he needs a reality check because he’s just ruminating on “the road not taken”
2. Tell him if he thinks he can do better… he has your blessing- go have fun out there. Don’t take him back. There are consequences, this time it’s losing you.
We have this culture of “the next thing around the corner might be the best” and it creates this constant FOMO. People no longer know how to be happy with what they have. I’m not sure why people think that sleeping with more people will bring them more joy.
Let him go. Figure out the house situation with a lawyer. Keep the pets.
Do not take him back. Because he will crawl back to you after he realizes that there is no endless line of women wanting to casually hook up with him. Or he will realize that hooking up takes work. He has this fantasy in his head that once he’s single, he will go to Tinder and have unlimited porn-like sexual encounters. Lol.
Do not take him back. Remember to have self-respect.
My husband has been my first and I just cannot imagine ruining our relationship just to see what else is out there. You don’t do that when you’re happy in a relationship.
It’s a really sucky position to be in. But it doesn’t sound like there is much for you to do other than try to figure out how to split up the house, animals, and shared belongings you’ve accumulated over the years. You deserve better. You are young and have plenty of time to find your person still. Don’t take him back when he realizes what a huge mistake he made. He needs therapy for his porn addiction. I do believe that is likely the root of his problems. And once he sees that fucking around in real life isn’t all its cracked up to be, he almost definitely will try to come back to you. Don’t take him back.
Let him go. I did this to an ex. We were together since we were basically kids. We took each other’s virginity’s. I never got much attention from guys before. I was an ugly duckling but at around 17, I blossomed and I started getting attention from so many guys especially at work. I became curious and started treating my ex like shit. I left because I wanted to have experiences with these new men. I had to learn the hard way that it was not worth it. Most of the guys treated me like shit and used me for sex. It’s hard to find a good person and my ex was a good person. It’s been 10 years and we both moved on and we’re both in happy relationships now. But I always regret how I treated him and I regret breaking his heart. Your fiancé will just have to learn the hard way as well. Other women might look good but he will eventually see their flaws and realize he left a good woman. Don’t dwell on it, something better will come your way.
Leaving you would be a mistake but letting things get this far while he’s yearning for women he can’t have was a mistake too. Its been years of mistakes for him and its his responsibility to come up with a solution. He can’t just whine at you about how he wants to fuck other women and he’s just a confused sad boi. Is he hoping you’ll agree to let him sleep around then come back?
Look if he decides to stay with you there is a very high probability that he will cheat on you or leave you later on. The best course of action may just be to end things and untangle yourself from this man. It looks like hes trying to get you to agree to a break so he can sleep with other people then come back to you. Please don’t give him that option.
Tell him sharply that he will never find anyone as good as you and that his decision is final, that you won’t be there when he realizes that.
If he still wants to start over, call a real estate agent. If there are any common law marriage laws where you live, check on that. You’ve been acting like his wife, so get your due if you want. This is basically a divorce. You’ll have to divide up the animals and figure out if you can afford a place suitable for them.
Watch Jigsaw by Daniel Sloss on Netflix. He has a really good take on relationships.
My longest relationship was ruined by an ex with a porn addiction too. He also kept it a secret that I wasn’t sexually satisfying enough for him. It’s rough, OP. You need to break up and separate from each other. You can’t make or expect someone to change. Don’t fight for someone that doesn’t want you; he’s not fighting for you.