I \[21F\] had been seeing this guy \[22M\] for about a month and a half. From the beginning, he was up front about how he wasn’t looking for a hookup, but at the same time he only wanted to date casually, as he would be moving away for grad school next semester and did not want anything too serious. I was totally fine with that, as I also wasn’t necessarily looking to get into a serious relationship. And from the beginning he showed me a lot of respect and care (ex: he asked me if it was okay to hold my hand, give me a hug goodbye, and to kiss me for the first time on our second date; and he checked in with me to make sure he wasn’t doing anything to make me uncomfortable or going too fast). I felt comfortable around him since sex didn’t seem to be his “end goal” at all; the caution he took in even asking to hold my hand made me feel like he wasn’t looking to just get laid or anything. He always insisted to pay on our dates, we went to an outdoor festival for one of our dates and he introduced me to a few of his friends there and we all hung out, and he told me that I’m the only person he’s talking to/seeing right now (he’s the only one I’m talking to as well).
Last week, we went back to his place after dinner and we had texted prior about being ready to have sex. I felt even more safe because he made sure to ask about my sexual preferences/boundaries and we made sure we were on the same page. The sex was great and I enjoyed myself and it seemed he did as well. However, immediately after, he seemed to suddenly become quiet/distant. We did cuddle for a little bit and he made sure I was okay, but then after I went to the bathroom and came back, he said he was gonna shower and then left me feeling awkward laying on his bed. When he came back he was fully dressed and didn’t come back next to me, so I suddenly felt extremely out of place and I rushed to get myself dressed. He was never mean or rude, but he told me that his roommates would probably be back soon and that it was getting late. He didn’t have to tell me twice, I already felt horribly awkward. He still walked me outside to my car but only gave me a quick kiss and side hug, unlike the usual way we would part ways after a date. He hasn’t texted me since, 5 days ago. I guess I’m just frustrated because I was totally cool with just dating casually, I even would’ve been okay with just casual hookups, so then what changed his mind? Was the sex that bad for him? Did having sex suddenly make me unattractive to him? He had texted me before saying he liked me, he felt comfortable around me, and expressed looking forward to see me before we’d go on dates. We went on 6 dates before ever having sex. Maybe I’m just really naïve? But like would a guy really go through all of that trouble to keep up with a girl for a month and a half, paying for all the dates, introducing me to his friends, just to drop me the second after we hooked up for the first time?
43 comments
I don’t know what’s going on in their heads when they do this. I’ve had it happen to me, too. I don’t get why they’d go through all the time and effort and then split after one sexual encounter. I have some sort of idea that they’re afraid now that the secks was done you’re going to fall madly in love with them (because of their magic penis, of course) and they have to bolt or be completely smothered.
Or he’s playing at grown up things without being sufficiently grown up. He can go through the actions of sex, but not the respect and maturity it demands along with it.
I’ve never had that happen to me, and i always had sex on first dates. I had sex with my now boyfriend on our first date and our 2nd year anniversary will be in june.
I think it highly depends on who you have sex with. Pick your men carefully.
This is pretty fucked
Research post-nut clarity. It’s not a good thing, and likely you won’t like what you read, it it is a real thing you should be aware of.
So 25M here, had this happen to me twice. Post-nut clarity is a legit thing, as funny as it may sound. The two girls I tried this casual dating stuff with, were cool, sex was fine the first time but after that first time, you kinda realize that person isn’t a match for it. It’s tough to explain, but imagine you finally achieve something, and you’re like, “*Well now what?*”. You come to a wall, it’s like that person isn’t what you’d want in a casual dating situation. Just because we’re just gonna have sex and try not to catch feelings, doesn’t mean I’m going to throw away what I like in a person and just fuck whoever for the sake of it. I knoooow it’s just sex, but you’re still going to develop a connection with this person, obviously it’d be so much better if you liked them as a person. If you don’t align with their qualities and differences, then it’s hard to be in a situation like that with someone.
Hey, I don’t have much to say except I’m sorry, this sounds super shitty. You seem like a great person, there’s not much else you can do than try to go with your gut and have no expectations when going into dating because these types of situations are out of your control. It really does seem like you did everything to make sure this didn’t happen, so all you can do now is move on and make sure this doesn’t affect your self-worth 💙
It is likely a result of immaturity or masculinity chasing on his part. I’m sorry it happened to you, but some things can only be learned by experiencing them first hand. Remember the red flags, spot similar behavior, and learn from this the next time you are dating. Another alternative is to just say “fuck society” and doing whatever you please with whoever pleases you not being concerned with how many dates or if they will or won’t ghost after knocking boots. I hope whatever path you choose makes you happy and let’s you enjoy life.
People lie, some guys ( not all ) will tell you what you want to hear to get what they want
Men tend to date the women who are more difficult to get in bed and take longer to have sex. Most of us don’t want to date a girl that is so easy to sleep with because then we know it’s happened with a ton of other guys.
Even in our lord and savior 2022, cishet men still do not see women as equal human beings. To men, we’re just another sexual conquest for their benefit.
Think temp narc love bombing until ejaculation reset.
Because it’s the wrong guy.
Are there any other guys that are the opposite and catch feelings once it gets more intimate? Besides coming off like a creep and asshole, I tend to catch feelings so I usually take my time before jumping in bed so I have clear version of who the person is and not the fog of dopamine blinding me.
I mean pheromones are a thing. It’s possible that there are some sort of biological incompatibilities that are hard to articulate to another person. It’s hard sometimes, but dating is a series of heartbreaks.
There are very real mental effects we go through after having sex with someone for the first time. I’ve been in situations where I really thought I enjoyed a woman’s company, but once we hooked up the facade dropped and I realized we weren’t a match.
>He hasn’t texted me since, 5 days ago. I guess I’m just frustrated because I was totally cool with just dating casually, I even would’ve been okay with just casual hookups, so then what changed his mind?
Are you sure he changed his mind? Have you reached out to him?
My dad used to say to men vaginas are like cars, the second you drive it off the lot it loses value.
My parents aren’t together anymore.
Cuz he didn’t want you, he wanted sex.
If the guy you’re seeing lost interest after sex… then it’s either two things… 1) he was never interested in a relationship to begin with or 2)you didn’t give him a reason to want to pursue you after sex.
Honestly, sounds like he has no idea what he wants moving forward and that he views having sex/physical intimacy himself as quite a big deal, so he’s decided just to do nothing, especially as he might be terrified that you might react badly if he just wants to continue casually/just be friends.
The reason I say this is there are plenty of people who straight up stay platonic friends after hook-ups (oh, university) and the like, it all comes down to how important you view sex and whether you’re comfortable with the nature of the bond (in the general sense) changing with the situation (and everyone’s personal opinion on these things is totally fine).
I personally tend to hook up on the first date or early on if we’re both feeling it. But that’s because for me, sex is simply a way of expressing ‘Right now I feel some connection and I’m down for messing about with you, and if it develops into something more or something else, great, if not, that’s also great!’, rather than “a step forward” if that makes sense, which many people view it as.
I agree that is could be what some others have mentioned in the top comments, but I’d also suggest that maybe he felt emotionally connected to you and didn’t want it to go further since he’s going out of town and doesn’t want long distance (I’m not sure if someone else mentioned that because I’m not reading all of the comments).
He’s pulling back so he doesn’t catch feelings. He already liked you as a person, the sex is going to switch that to liking you for you. So now he has to distance himself. Sounds crazy but I’ve done it as a female and I’ve had guys do it with me. It’s a tactic to distance myself so I don’t catch the feels. After a few days to clear my head, rationalize and catch my breath, I’m ready to proceed from there.
I think a lot of guys just inherently suck at knowing if they truly like a women or if they just wanna have sex with them. I think it’s less so the sex that’s the issue but more so the sex exposes their true intentions. A guy that wants to be with you will do so whether you guys have sex the first date or 5th date. And if a guy just wants to fuck (and he has the patience) it won’t matter how long you guys wait
Thats something no one can answer for you 2 but.
Perhaps he just wanted to bang you ( seems unlikely for the effort he put as you say)
Maybe it dawned in him that you are not all that interesting ( when he is putting so much effort and don’t feel that it is reciprocate)
And many other possibilities. I would call him and demand the truth as i cant have peace of mind with unsolved questions.
OP, it wouldn’t be wrong for you to assume that 99% of guys that you date **will say and do whatever it takes** to get you in bed. How he treats you before bears no correlation to how he will treat you after you give him the sex.
Set your expectations appropriately.
There may have been something about it that turned him off. I’ve had sex with girls whose vaginal smell I could not stomach, just for example. (Not that anything is objectively wrong with their smell. Everyone just smells a little different and I think some people are just incompatible in that way)
Or it could just be that sex WAS his end goal, despite appearances.
It sucks in either case. Sorry to hear it.
Curious to know why you’re acting surprised when you knew it was casual between you both?
Some guys just want to hookup. Some will lie to do it.
>but at the same time he only wanted to date casually
That was the first red flag.
> And from the beginning he showed me a lot of respect and care
Some men do this until they get what they want.
>Maybe I’m just really naïve?
Yes
Post-nut clarity. It is an unfortunate part of human nature. People like the “game”, the “challenge”. Once they reach the goal (sex), theyre like “ok now what?”
Source: am a sociologist
For some people, especially in younger adults, the thrill of the chase is what they’re really into. And once once that’s gone, so are they.
It can also be overwhelming right afterward. The mind can suddenly start questioning whether it’s actually a good fit, etc.
I’m sorry that you went through distress over this. On the plus side, neither of you were looking for a long-term thing, so that’s as good a way to end it as any.
Sounds like you might have fallen prey to a long game. Some guys cast a wide net and try to just hookup other guys take the strategy of building trust. This is just what you should expect if you are having sex outside of a serious relationship, you should have also been suspicious of how much effort he put into making you feel comfortable those are player moves, at least if it wasn’t awkward. If he just happily asked you what you liked and all that other stuff without it being awkward this is something he’s done a lot and he plays the field. It’s probably nothing wrong with you other than picking the wrong guy.
honestly thought i was the only one to be head over heels for a girl.. quickly have sex and lose interest.. now i wait.
I’d really like to hear what happens when you try to contact him. Maybe there is something he is going through that you aren’t yet aware of and he needs some time to process things. Please update if you hear from him again.
I’m very sorry that this happened to you because it sounded like you were really clicking.
People are very different from one another….. what works for you ex may not work for him
Or it might just be he just used you sorry to say
Guys are extremely driven by desire. There’s a thing between guys called ‚fap-test‘. If you have feelings or think you have feelings for someone, masturbate and immediately after think about your feelings for that person, if they‘re still there, good, if not you were just horny. Search for post-nut-clarity.
Post-Nut Clarity 100%
Two options within that though:
1)Not attracted anymore and nothing can be done
2) Caught feelings that were really set off with the sex but nipped them in the bud since all the reasons he said he didn’t want anything serious earlier
In studies, male and female brains release certain hormones at different times.
Men release oxytocin progressively and then it levels off after having sex (although it can still increase, just not as quickly).
Women tend to release oxytocin slower up until sex, at which point it begins to ascend more rapidly.
This causes women to feel more attachment after sex, and men to feel more attachment before sex (relatively).
I could try and find the study later.
1. He *was* being rude. Bouncing to take a shower and then basically shoving you out the door would be rude even if it was only ever intended to be a one-night stand. He might not have added extra asshole layers by being cruel, but it’s okay to call it what it is: rudeness.
2. Just assume, going forward, that any guy who says he just wants to “keep it casual” is interested in sex and only sex. At most he’s interested in ongoing sex, at a minimum it’s one & done, regardless of how he acts in the lead-up to sex. It’s great if he’s still mature about sex, that’s certainly ideal, but don’t mistake outward maturity for noble goals.
3. “Post-nut clarity” doesn’t excuse bad behavior. Frankly, it’s immature no matter how they behave afterwards. A true grown-ass man should have enough insight into himself to have clarity before sex, he shouldn’t need an orgasm to see clearly. And either way: a shift in perspective is not a good reason to treat someone badly. He shouldn’t have been rude after sex, he shouldn’t have ghosted you.
He got what he wanted. Not all, but some guys just use “I’m not looking for a hookup” to hookup. These guys feel like most girls would say no, so they use that to introduce comfortablility into the situation. Like I said though, this is just some guys not all.
guys like this will only chase you again once they miss you and want sex again, you can still make him want you, just ignore him for awhile and he should start to pursue you again. Just don’t give in next time untill you’re ready. Sometimes relationships are built this way, over time he may actually know he’s in love with you and not just wanting sex
sometimes i just want to know that i could if i wanted.
once that questions is answered, theres no more depth to the relationship.
some relationships are much deeper and go further.
Have you messaged him at all these last 5 days?
It really depends. After i did it with my girlfriend for the first time, it’s almost as if i felt like my love for her became more intense. That i’m happy that she chose to trust me with her heart, and even her body. It’s not just about sexual pleasure for every guy out there. To some like me, it’s about being able to get vulnerable and intimate.