I’ve never had sex or any sexual experiences, and one big reason is that I don’t want to feel like not in control and that the other person will just do something I’m not at all comfortable with and I’ll just have to deal with it and feel shitty about it afterwards.
I don’t like the “go with the flow” attitude that everyone keeps repeating, I hear so many stories from my friends and other people of where a guy just randomly sticks a finger in their ass or starts chocking then during sex (without any consent or discussion about being into those things beforehand).
I don’t think I can relax or enjoy sex if I have to worry about what to other person might do or think is fine or if they’re just bad at reading body language and nothing if someone is uncomfortable. I also don’t want to have to ask someone to stop doing something during sex because that’s very awkward and I also would just rather not have the person even try to start certain things.
I don’t know if I’m explaining this well. But basically I’d want to have a clear list of things that are fine for both people beforehand so there’s no surprises and things don’t go too far etc. Understandably that ruins the mood for most people and they would think I’m insane and neurotic for wanting that (which I am lol). I don’t want to have to rely on someone else having the emotional intelligence to know if I’m uncomfortable, because let’s face it, often a lot of guys don’t 🙈
I’d want to go on dates and have sex but I don’t know how to make it comfortable enough for me, so I just don’t.
I should add here that being in a safe/secure relationship won’t fix this, since I don’t want one. I’m not looking for a romantic relationship, just preferably longer term nice and respectful partners that I’d have chemistry and fun with (not looking for sexual company here on Reddit though, please no being creepy).
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These are tips mostly for when you are already in a relationship and you feel comfortable already talking to your partner.
You can set them whenever. Like when watching a show together, commercial break, you just bring it up. After eating, or just laying around.
The easy safe words would be like “green light/redlight.”
Being blunt is also fine if that’s how the conversations go.
Talking about boundaries can also be part of the flow. One of my partners said what her safe words were as I was already kissing their neck and moving my way downwards.
So I’m someone who is very forward and blunt with sex. I’m kinky as hell and up for a lot of stuff.
That having been said, I also NEED some of my kinks to be present during sex. Which means I’m not a good fit for a lot of partners. I’m ok with that. Its a me thing not a them thing.
But what it means is that I have gotten VERY comfortable discussing my sex needs and boundaries in advance of sex (even on advance of a relationship) with someone.
I met a guy just last night. He’s a good friend of one of the guys I play cards with on Wednesdays. I’d never met him before, but we exchanged phone numbers last night because he was interested in joining our Friday night “booze and magic the gathering” game night. I texted him today just to tell him I hope we’ll see him there and a whole big round of flirting just ensued. But because I have a lot of needs and boundaries, I made sure to have that discussion with him. I don’t want something to start going somewhere if I don’t feel he can respect my boundaries.
So among other things, this man who I JUST met last night now knows that I have a hard boundary against being eaten out (to slightly disappointment on his end but it’s not a deal breaker), that I need some degredation with my sex (he’s rusty, he says, but he’s definitely up for it), that I like sending pictures but for now he won’t get full nudes, that I’m poly and am not interested in giving up my current fwb.
Whether you’re a freak like me or vanilla as snow, there’s nothing wrong with establishing boundaries before hand.
Edited: because once again, my typos completely change the meaning of things I try to type.
Talk about boundaries before you make it to the bedroom in the first place. Don’t just talk about what you don’t want to do, but talk about what you want to do, too.
Even if you don’t want a romantic relationship, it’s OK to need more trust and comfort established first.
[Communication is key.](http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/be_a_blabbermouth_the_whys_whats_and_hows_of_talking_about_sex_with_a_partner)
This can be a bit problematic as the list of potential things is damned near infinite. If you have some absolute show stoppers, that is going to be a much shorter list.
From the start I said I don’t like anal play that’s a no go for me. I am open to trying new things so if a guy wants to give things a go I’m open but I’m also quite assertive when something doesn’t feel right. I’ll stop it in the moment and maybe switch position. Just have a think about what turns you on and what doesn’t so you know whether or not you’re going to want that and make it clear beforehand to save killing the mood during 🙂
Fuck the mood. If the mood is so fragile that an open, honest conversation kills it then the mood isn’t worth pursuing.
Communicate. Clearly and openly. That’s how you set boundaries. You have to sit down and have the conversation, ideally before any clothes have come off.
With queer people this is not optional because we come in all shapes, sizes and physical configurations and we don’t have a script for how sex is “supposed” to go the way straight people do. So with new partners you *have* to just sit down and talk about what you’re into, what you’re not, how you wanna be touched, how you don’t, what you wanna do, what you don’t.
Communication is the antidote to relationship anxiety. There really is just no excuse to not just talk IMO. I refuse to settle for anything less in a connection anymore.