I am 26F and I love my husband; he is my best friend. Let me make it clear that we do not have a dead bedroom, infidelity, financial problems, kids, or any other sources of tension. We have awesome sex almost every night; he’s very talented at pleasing me and I enjoy pleasing him. But when my mind isn’t overcome by desire, and I see him naked, I resent his lack of effort and discipline.
I’m increasingly irritated that he STILL has **cystic acne all over his back** and doesn’t use any of the dermatologist-prescribed medications we have at home. I have to act like his mom and make sure he doesn’t overdo sugar or alcohol since his skin and digestive system are so sensitive. I regularly make face masks (turmeric, cacao honey, berries) for myself and offer them to him and he always refuses. I remind him to exfoliate; he agrees but doesn’t follow through. He has a handsome face, but he almost always has redness around his nose or pimples or super dry skin.
I hate looking at him naked, due to the bacne but also because he’s **so scrawny**. Almost a year ago, I had booked him a consultation with my nutritionist/fitness trainer friend; she gave him a customized regimen and he hasn’t been doing it. He goes to the gym once a week, maybe twice, for just 1 hour. I know it’s harder for ectomorphs but gaining weight/muscle is doable if he just follows the regimen. I got him to whiten his teeth but now they’re **yellow** again because he won’t quit coffee. I have to remind him to stop hunching over; the years of **bad posture** are becoming apparent.
All of these physical flaws are fixable, and he has $$$$, but he doesn’t care enough!
**I have communicated my feelings consistently over the 9 years we’ve been living together.** The feeling of resentment comes and goes and comes back. I’m starting to think that the only way he will get his shit together is if we stop having sex and/or separate for some time, like 6 months or a year. What do you think?
**TLDR:** My husband puts almost zero effort into his appearance and I’ve reached a boiling point. I put in effort to look good, why won’t he? All the communication has not resulted in new, better habits.
15 comments
This is who he is. Stop trying to change him. He is happy in his body. If you need him to be someone other than who he is, leave him. But accept that you are leaving because you want to. Not because he did anything wrong. He doesn’t owe it to you to be the person you want him to be
I understand this little stuff can be frustrating but not everyone wants to perfect every physical flaw they have. I say this as someone who is pretty vain myself.
Honestly, The way you talk about your husband gives me the ick. Not everyone is a super model and not everyone wants to dedicate their lives to looking like one. Let the poor guy go if you’re not attracted to him. Don’t try to change everything about him.
You’re not asking him to do basic hygiene here. Constantly correcting his posture, policing his diet, asking him to give up coffee… and thinking a berry and turmeric mask is going to heal cystic acne (lol sure Jan)… You sound so exhausting.
People don’t often change in relationships. Ironically, they usually change the way we wanted them to after it’s over. So he’s probably not going to do the things you want. Sounds like you’ve given him every chance, and if it’s divorce worthy for you, then that’s that.
But you shouldn’t leave with the expectation that he’s going to get himself together immediately and then you’ll be together again. If that happened, he would probably just do it to get you back, then fall back into his bad behavior. It is only when he knows he screwed up for life, irrecoverably, that he will be willing to change who he is. And that change will be seen by his next gf or wife, not for you.
So if you need to leave, leave. But don’t keep one foot in the door.
I dunno. When I first read your post, I read it as you coming across as pretty arrogant and self righteous. Yes, of course being physically attracted to your partner is important and I do feel like you owe it to a degree to your partner to maintain a certain level of physical care. If I met my girlfriend, get married all while being in shape and then afterwards for no real reason, I let myself go while she kept up her physicality, that’s really unfair and unreasonable to her. That being said, if this is the man you married and you knew this going in, it’s not a “him” problem, it’s a “you” problem. Maybe it’s the way it’s typed out, but it really sounds like you’re trying to change him for your own selfish reasons, not because you want it for him. It also comes across as you believing yourself to be a bit infallible and devoid of any improvements. As Bill Burr puts it, like you’re a work of art behind glass and he’s the only one that needs to be “worked on”.
Wow. Do HIM a favor and leave. He deserves a more understanding wife.
Are these new issues or has he always looked the same?
You should for sure do your husband a favor and leave him for someone you can love as they are.
Maybe you’re the one who is being too demanding…dont you think? He is happy with his appearance, let this man live
Unfortunately there is no cure for cystic acne and most of the time the creams from the dermatologist don’t do anything but dry your skin out. As a long time acne sufferer, I promise you that he knows its there. If there was a magic way to make it go away we’d already be using it. Hope he finds someone one day who likes him as is.
Leave him. Go and get an attractive guy who better fits your ideal aesthetic. But the only problem is they won’t have half the positive qualities your husband does. Good looking guys don’t have to be good in bed or nice or decent so many aren’t. The ones who are, are in relationships or can get women who meet that same criteria.
Chances are you leave him, he glows up and is able to get a women better looking than you, who treats him respectfully.
Spend all your $$$ on counselling.
“my partner is the love of my life and perfect BUT”
*continues to talk about how unattractive they are*
listen ..he make su happy and u wana leave after 9 years because of acne ?? seriously?? my bf and i have been together for 3 years and he is smelly feet. u give him clean socks and showws and his feet will stink still BUT i dont make him feel embarrased over it . alot of the times it doesnt even bother me that much and when it does realy stink i ask hm nicely to wash his feet . He is the first person to ever care about me and actually care for my well-being, loves the shit out of my dog who is the most important thing to me , makes me extremely happy , loves me and our animals, works hard to keep a roof under our heads and always find ways to cheer me up and i will NEVER consider leaving him over smelly feet.
Girl you have a man who u say is your best friend and you love him but you wont love him completely because he has bad posture , non white teeth and acne which he cant help. seriously?? thats rude and disrespectful and stopping sex or splitting up over that is just nonsense. and you think sex drives a relationship? clearly not cause posture is more important to you.
God imagen a man wrote this about his wife. how dare u judge someones appearance and wana leave them cause its not up to your standards. and in a comment you say ” he had more muscles “. seriously thats all you care about . just LEAVE he deserves better.
26 is a great age to break up with your boyfriend from when you were 17.
You don’t even need a “good” reason for it. You can just decide you don’t want to be in this relationship any more.
Great idea, you should seperate and in that time he can meet someone who will not complain because he likes coffee and hasn’t gained enough muscle to keep you happy.
Think about how hard it is to change something about yourself.. for example, letting this go when it really grates on you. It’s impossible, right? Takes lots and lots of willpower, and even so, eventually it reverts back to the default state.
What if someone else asked you to change for them? In fact, demanded it so? Would that make it any easier? The changes you are asking of him are impossible for HIM to keep up. For whatever reason, that’s just not in his wheelhouse. Maybe it’s adhd, who knows really.
The point is, when we think about how difficult it is to implement changes in our own lives that are really challenging for us, it really is unfair and almost immoral to ask someone else to change to fit OUR perception of how they should be.
Some people have better things to worry about. Maybe see a therapist about your issues.