**Context**:
My parents are ab..sive but at least they supported me when I went to study abroad. I have depression. I finished a bachelor’s degree, started another one, dropped out, started another one and finished, started a master’s, dropped out. I had a part-time job but depression is a b..itch so I quit. I get unemployment money but can’t work so I just pretend to go to interviews. I took my meds but I’m allergic so I quit. The only things that help are smoking and going to events to meet new people, e.g. shopping with champagne, bouldering etc.
**My friend**:
We were colleagues before I dropped out. She moved abroad for her ex, but he started ab..sing her, so she found a better paid job and a nice flat for herself and she is extremely well-off now. She sent me gifts on my bday and we used to call often.
**The crisis**:
A few weeks ago I had unprotected intercourse and I was sad and scared, the guy I slept with even ghosted me. I called my friend, she was at work but I told her to call me during her break and she comforted me. Since then she’s become distant, she said she was busy at work.
My private therapist increased her prices and I can’t afford it anymore, this absolutely crushed me. I called my friend multiple times, crying, she wouldn’t pick up. Next day she texts me saying she got sick after getting blood tests and fainted, we texted a bit and she told me to get a state-funded therapist, which tbfh I don’t want to. I wanted her to call me later but she never called.
**I politely told her that I was hoping she wouldn’t let me down in such a difficult moment, and she only replied 2 weeks later, saying she was very sick that week and then went on vacation where she didn’t have any electricity.** Our mutual friend confirmed this, but I’m absolutely disappointed.
TL;DR: I have depression and my closest friend completely let me down. Is the friendship fixable?
7 comments
Stop treating your friend as your therapist or you will lose that friend. Friends can only provide so much support before they burn out.
I’ll be completely honest that maybe I’ll sound biased as I HAD friends who are exactly like you sound to be (see how I emphasize the past tense)
Friends support each other yes, but that’s not an excuse to treat them as an anchor for your own stability. Also, having a mental disorder doesn’t equal to use them as a free therapist whenever you want to and expecting them to treat you as their first priority.
You want her to listen and comfort you in hard times but you don’t even care if your friend is sick or with her own problems, no wonder she’s distancing from you. I also had to do what your friend is doing because having emotional vampires as friends is exhausting and not worth it in anyway.
Listen to her and find ways to treat your mental health, if you don’t like a state funded therapist then find another one cheaper. If your allergic to meds then return to your psychiatrist and see alternatives. But is extremely sh*tty to expect friends and/or family to support you when you don’t do anything to help yourself out.
You sound incredibly dependent. You cannot and should not put this heavy burden on your friend. If your meds aren’t working for you, you need to find new ones. If your therapist has raised prices, find a new one. But expecting your friend to be your crutch is not ok. It’s draining and unfair to your friend. You need to get healthy and not be dependent on your friend to get through things. These are hard truths. Your friend is probably tired and is taking some space for herself.
You don’t sound like you are being a very good friend to her. You are asking her for a lot of support but not giving her any in return. You don’t mention doing *anything* for her – she sends you gifts for your birthday, what do you do for hers?
Your friendship seems rather one-sided. You always expect her to drop everything for you, but you don’t seem particularly concerned about her health.
Erm and what have you done to be there and support your friend when she’s ill?
Stop putting all your problems onto everyone else and take accountability.
You could get a state funded therapist but are choosing not to, instead, treating your friend like she’s obligated to be your therapist.
You sound draining and far too immature to be 34
I’m sorry to be blunt- As someone who also has depressive issues and has had a tendency in the past to trauma dump on my friends- you have got to stop doing this to her. Frankly you sound exhausting and you need to take this to a therapist, not your friend. It’s not fair to expect her to be at your beck and call every time you feel low.
Sucks that you can’t afford your usual therapist but it happens. Find another one. Allergic to your meds? Talk to your doctor and find a different med then.
Yes, friends support each other. When is the last time you reached out to see how SHE is doing? When’s the last time you talked to her about her life and didn’t bring up your problems at all? I’ll bet if you’re honest with yourself you’d see maybe you haven’t been the best of friends to her.
Friendship goes both ways. You’re 34. You’re old enough to know this. I completely get that depression makes it hard to move forward but you can’t just wallow and then complain that your friend doesn’t want to be dragged down with you.